Andrew J. Lederer

30,000 Feet Above the Earth
(I have no idea how high we really are or if this is a realistic number but it sounds right to me.)

I'm on the plane, heading for the US of A, and someone a few rows ahead of me was recently watching The DaVinci Code. From what I saw when I occasionally glanced toward his screen, the film largely consists of Tom Hanks and his female co-star walking slowly toward each other, nodding and smiling. (Can someone who's seen the entire film tell me if I'm right?)


Oh, and didja know that new security rules mean you can't bring liquids or lotions on planes anymore? (For some reason, they thought it important to tell me that lipstick is allowed.) The woman at the check-in counter said I'd have to throw my sunblock away before I went through security and I said I would, which was a lie.

Yes, the greedy commissars let people know they're welcome to purchase replacements in the shopping area on the "safe" side of security. But -- dad-blast it -- sunblock is expensive. And this bottle was given to me for free by a friend who was switching to a lighter blend for winter. It's too thick and white for me and doesn't blend into my skin but -- did I mention this? -- it was free. And every bottle of sunblock I throw away is money I can't spend on something else that's necessary -- like Coca-Cola. So, I decided I would leave the bottle in the bag and let fate and x-rays decide what would happen.

Hurrah! I was not subjected to a secondary search and I did not have to throw away my complimentary sun protection. But if they can't spot an unconcealed bottle of sunblock in a backpack, what else can't they spot?


Speaking of Coca-Cola, I was reminded just how bad American Coke is when I asked for some caffeinated deliciousness to go along with my fabulous in-flight meal (which actually was good). Lately, I'd been mostly layin' off the stuff, but when I'm in the UK, I generally like to drink as much of it as I can get as it's made with real sugar rather than Washington-subsidized (and therefore cheap) high fructose corn syrup.

So, when, while eating my meal, I noticed that all the items were of European origin, I thought I better get one more happy wallop of European Coke before I descend into the realm of ersatz beverages that is my homeland. But as the sky waitress (she said to use the term "Air Goddess") handed me the can, I could tell immediately from the Six Flags amusement park ad that this soda was from America.

Blech! It was terrible Weak-flavored. Definitely not "the real thing".

And high fructose corn syrup was virtually unknown in the American diet before the advent of the Reagan administration. A good reason to vote these Republicans out of office. (I will be in America on election day but I live in New York, so all the desired candidates are gonna win anyway. It's almost like I don't count at all.)


Finally, to Stephen Grant: Yes, I am Jewish and yes, you were right to question the appropriateness of using the term "Blogging for Jesus" in reference to me.

More accurately, you could say I am "Blogging for Pilate". (Though, as an educated American Jew, I'm not exactly sure who Pilate was. Fortunately, as in my comedy, I know enough to dance upon the references, scarcely revealing the ignorance that lies beneath.)

Of course, the most accurate term would be "Blogging for Judas", since -- as you know -- Jews were named after Judas (Ju-s) and previously were known merely as kikes.


Time to get some pretzels!

Andrew