Andrew J. Lederer

a friend of mine just took over a multi-space arts complex in new york. last night we started out to scout a show but instead ended up at a really good italian restaurant.

that's my kind of theater!


cops tried to give me a ticket for having my foot on a seat in the subway, again. this time i wasn't sure i was right as i'd fallen asleep and, having injured my toe earlier, didn't know whether i'd unconsciously sought a comfortable position for my foot.

i said, "please don't give me a ticket" and, as i gave them my passport(which i use as id), they asked, "you're not wanted, are you?"

i said no and then they saw the other ticket, which was stashed in may passport and which, i guess, proved i wasn't wanted 'cause if I was, they would have taken me to prison when they issued me the previous ticket.

so, the main guy said, "we're not gonna get you twice" and let me go. i wanted to hug the black woman cop but was told i wasn't allowed. (the black guy cop said it might make him and the white male cop jealous.)

aah. good cops.

i'm still not gonna pay the other ticket. so, next time they try to ticket me, i may be wanted.


i'm gonna go down to virginia and hang at my sister's starting tomorrow if i can get the money i need to take the gloriously inexpensive but still outside my price range "chinatown bus".

last time, i went there 'cause i'd run out of money and didn't know when i would get me some. this time, i'm earning money -- more each time i write jokes for this web thing -- but i've got none 'til they actually pay me. (and who knows when that will be?)

it's weird. i'm having a hard time keeping up any pretense of normalcy or holding myself together lately. i was an absolute mess last night -- much worse than when i was a certifiable indigent. i think it's 'cause i feel it's unfair that i still have to put energy into pretending things are okay when they kind of are okay but there's a lag before there'll be evidence of that in my life.

i don't want to have to continue to expend energy mimicking a normal, solvent guy when, in theory, i actually am increasingly solvent.

so, why, in practice, am i still a bum?

and the result of all this internal identity stuff is that i'm letting my guard down too soon.

like a kid who doesn't want to wait 'til christmas to open his presents, i can't wait 'til payday to be socially acceptable without preparation and effort.

but i'm not.

okay -- i kind of am today.

i've tamped down much of the shoe smell that bare feet (from no clean socks) and walking in slush have wrought by liberally using the (almost) last of my shoe spray today.

and everything i'm wearing is clean, although the shirt is crumply and too small (because i'm fat) with my flesh peeking thought the buttons in some positions but i'm wearing it under my zip-up hoodie (which isn't freshly washed but outerwear has a longer shelf life, i think.)

but yesterday, it was hard. today's hard-won, relative aesthetic normalcy my answer to yesterday's internal battle. however, i can't fight this fight forever. so, it's time to go south to my loved ones to wait for my own personal christmas.

and to rest my injured toe.

and give my face a break.

and figure out who i am. you know i left stuff out of this section of the post 'cause i was embarrassed. (and i'm uncomfortable with what i left in.)

how does that jibe with the self-damning frankness of earlier posts?

it's just that i'm ready to be alright. i feel that by all rights (wordplay?), i already am. so what is this stuff i'm telling you about.

before, i needed to write about disturbing things and have people react favorably, so i would know i was still okay, really. (just like the characters i talked about -- with perhaps a touch of superiority -- here.) but of course, i wasn't okay and i kinda don't want to talk about it for a while and i want to talk about the ways that i'm okay. (i know it may not be as interesting but is that my highest emotional priority?)

oh, well. maybe it's not time to be okay. maybe i won't get the writing job permanently at the end of my two-week trial and then i'll have to make the wages from2 weeks of that and an onion radio gig go farther than anyone can imagine.

will that be okay?