Another couple of days have gone by and my life continues to resemble a badly written, ill conceived sit com. Like Curb your enthusiasm but without the laughs and with only the social awkwardness left behind.

Yesterday I got up and sent Sarah a text asking if I could use her computer, she sent one back saying sure as she was in Ireland as she'd had some bad news, her aunt had died and it was the funeral.

I said that if there was anything I could do just to ask and then this morning as an afterthought I thought I should send a condolence message to Sarah's sister, to make her feel a little bit better, now my predictive text has messed up a little bit on my phone, and I forget to check before I send, last week I meant to tell a friend I forgot to add her to my MSN and she got the message "Sorry, I forgot to bed you." This morning I sent a message to a grieving friend that said "Sorry about your cunt, Sarah told me all about it and you have my sympathy."

I just wanted to show sympathy and make her feel a little better, if anything I think I may have made the situation worse.

Well back to earlier on in the week.

Saturday night I went off to Gateshead library to do a gig for Warren Speed, Dave Ingram was ill so I compered and it was loads of fun, they were a quiet audience but they were so friendly, and in the end comedy was the winner. I really enjoy compereing, it takes me out of my comfort zone. the acts were all fantastic too, Stefan Peddie opened and did a good job, Steve Shanyaski was on in the middle and was great riffing on themes which I've not seen before, and John Gordillo headlining who was a pleasure to watch.

I eventually got home to Crewe at 4 in the morning and had my flatmate Hollie jump out of her room as I walked in through the front door with a can of deodorant screaming at me as she thought she was the only person in the house.

I'm glad I wasn't a burglar, because she's tiny and the aerosol probably wouldn't have helped much, though fortunately this time it was an aerosol, last time it was a roll on.

Sunday was fun, it was the first day off I'd had in a while so I enjoyed staying in bed until 5 in the evening, later on I had a chance to talk to Sarah on her own and it cleared up the last of the things that I needed to say just to get my head straight.

I went off to the 24 hour garage later that evening to get some chocolate for everyone and some bread and milk.

As I pulled up there was a ford Fiesta with blacked out windows on the forecourt playing some shitty arsed RnB with about 7 Chav girls sat in it screaming out the words to the two who were at teh bullet proof window trying to pay fo ra £10 phone top up with pennies. I tried my best not to look intimidated, though I'm fairly sure, as usual when this happens, that I did probably look like I'd suffered a stroke, or possibly bell's palsy. Anyway the one at the front turned round and looked at me, made eye contact and said "What are you looking at?" I should probably have looked away or said "Nothing" or done the usual intimidated member of the public that they've grown to expect, but I'd been working all weekend and compering the previous night and was still running through in my head how to reply to the audience, so I said without missing a beat "Someone who's going to be a grandmother by the time she's 30?" She sucked her teeth and went off and got in the car and they drove off into the night.

Beth 1, the idiots 0 Huzzah! I won that one!

Monday was a bit stressful, I've started a new comedy night at Vanilla, a Lesbian bar in Manchester, and Tuesday was the second night of it, the first that's been run in someway properly (entirely my fault) and so I headed over to Manchester early in the evening, I was supposed to be doubling up with the final of the Manchester Irish Festival Comedian of the year competition. So I was leaving the legend that is Dug Shelmerdine in charge of compereing duties, adn I was opening.

As I pulled up outside his house I got a call from my headline act saything that they were ill and couldn't do it, so with an hour and a half until I was supposed to be there I had to think fast.

As I got into Dug's house I saw he was getting prepared, by watching Chris Rock, and so the quest to find a headliner at short notice who was suitable was on.

A massive thank you to the fantastic Caimh McDonnell (I hope I spelt that corectly) who stepped in and did the job fantastically. Now when I phoned him I remembered most of the information, except one crucial piece of the puzzle, I forgot to tell him that it was a lesbian bar.

anyway the night got off to a good start even though I did overrun slightly, my gig though, I can do that!

and I headed off to Levenshulme to do the gig there, when I got there I'd a missed call from Caimh, I left him a message with some information and again forgot to let him know it was a lesbian bar.

When I got in I tried to text Dug to remind him to tell him when he got there, apparently he was already there and had just got on stage.

the Irish comedy night was fun, and I forgot the rules to that sort of competition, the one who brings the most friends wins.

though to be fair to the winner he was excellent I really enjoyed watching him So if you're reading this and you're about and see David McCorry's name on a bill somewhere go see him.

Tuesday Jonathan Mayor called needing a lift to Lincoln so I thought what the hell and loaded up the car and headed down there with him, it was a gig for a promoter I'd not played for before so I thought it'd be an excellent opportunity to harrangue him into giving me a gig sometime.

The line up was ace, with one of my heroes Ian Cognito headlining and John Robbins opening. as it happened Shaun the promoter said I could do a short spot that night. Result!

John was superb, i'd gigged with him in Cheltenham on Valentine's Day and he did a totally different 20 minutes than I'd seen him do there so I had a chat to him, and he saidthe same thing that I've heard from a lot of people, and for the fourth time that week which really cemented in my head what I needed to do, "the difference between the people who become headliners and those who go on to be stratospheric is that they have a high turn over of material." essentially what I'd been thinking that week, once I know that a piece works everywhere I'm going to try and replace it.

This was also forced by looking at my Chortle review on this very site and seeing a comment from someone saying that they liked me but that they wished I'd change my material. I've always tried to make sure that I do at least one brand new joke or line every time I go on stage. This has been upped now, I'm trying to write 10 minutes of new stuff a week, even if 9 minutes of that is total shit, there's bound to be some good stuff in there.

the try out went well, considering I only had 5 minutes which is a timescale recently I've not done so was a bit thrown by it, also I chose to open with two new bits I've never done before and one of them got a huge response that I wasn't expecting which threw me slightly too, but I got them back and ended well. Huzzah Beth 1 The System 0 But the real winner on the night was comedy.

Last night I headed down to the Comedy Balloon because Dug was compereing and I was in town, though not before I'd got the fantastic medical advice from a friend who's nearly a qualified Doctor, when she said, that as far as drinking, smoking and drug taking goes as long as you don't overdo it and quit when you're 35 you should be fine. So I've got another 7 years of smoking before I need to quit. Huzzah Beth 1 Medical science 0! Ok this is getting tired now I know.

Anyway the Ballon was full and Dug was excellent, and each of the acts did really well, except one. He'd brought a whole bunch of friends with him and they talked through all the other acts which is not on. then his name was announced and he swaggered down to the front full of confidence.

Now as part of Dug's compereing set he has a "Cricket bat list" a list of all the people who should be dragged out into the street and beaten to death with a cricket bat, there's all the usual suspects, Kate Thornton, Jamie olicer etc (though they're the first ones an audience says to be added to the list.)

This guy got up and said Britney should be added to the list, Dug said no, she's gone mad, it's not fair and then the guy on stage went into a rant about how she should be killed.

His voice sounded ever so slightly like a local radio DJ with that horrible Mid-atlantic twang, and there was no warmth to what he was saying. When no one laughed he said "That's your cue to laugh!" in an almost threatening tone as if everyone found it hilarious and was just holding back because they were playing a trick on him.

One of the girls he'd brought with him was laughing really loud and putting him off, he kept getting distracted, and then came the first heckle, and to my mind the single greatest heckle I've ever heard from the back of the crowd near to her a voice went up "Oi, stop laughing whilst the comedian's on!"

The act got worse and was just ranty with no real point to it, no warmth and no humour, his arrogance wasn't knocked though and he was just horrible, heckles went up round the room that all were funny and all worked, and his response to each of them alienated the room more and more.

Eventually, towards the end of his set, he said "After this I'll be in the car park with my jacket off if anyone wants to take this outside" it was weird, the wheels just fell off the whole thing and as he left the stage giving all the audience the finger he did in fact take his jacket off and head outside waiting for the whole of the pub to follow him outside.

Now I've found someone unfunny before, but not so unfunny that I wanted to follow them outside and punch them for being shit.

I've come close, but usually pity takes over. After the gig we were all sure that that had to have been his first ever gig, apparently it wasn't, hopefully he'll have learned something from that and might take to the stage again with a little more humility this time.

Whilst I have respect for absolutely anyone who gets up on stage and gives comedy a go, I share the views of some of my friends that we respect even more someone who gets up to give it a go, realises that they're shit and then quits.

that sounds a bit nasty, it's not meant to, but there are a lot of people out there who die night after night doing the same material, don't get any better and don't quit. Ok so they get some fun from it, but from a utilitarian point of view "Any act is good which does the greatest good for the greatest number of people" and in some cases the amount of good that the act feels from getting the attention is outweighted byt he negative effect that they have on an audience, that's anything upto 200 people who're having a bad time in order for them to have their good time.

So unless they're a terrible act who never gets better and who might rape or kill if they don't get on stage, personally I'd rather them quit.

Anway, I hope that cleared that up.

I'm in Nottingham tonight, and looking forward to it, anyone who's in the area head on down it should be a good night.

I love you all with all my heart

Bethany Black

3 comments • Trackback (0)

Comments:

Comment from: Cat [Visitor] · http://www.myspace.com/pickyourgameup

hehe Grandma by the time she's thirty - you almost made vimto come out my nose ;o)

Next time you do vanilla let me know, i'll come with you if that's ok?

Love me xoxox

Permalink 23/03/07 @ 14:04

Comment from: Pete Wilson [Visitor]

I pissed myself reading about the terrible act and going outside trying to pick a fight, then realised it actually happnened, fucking strange stuff.

Condolences about the text, kinda similar I declared my girlfriend's grandmother to be a vile, Welsh moutain goat with a face like an arse, only moments later her brother entered to tell us she died.

Not fun.

Permalink 28/03/07 @ 18:50

Comment from: Kit [Visitor]

I take offence at any negative attack at Steve: the content/delivery/performane of his act. Over the last few years I have had the pleasure of being entertained by many, many talented individuals in the North West of the UK. By far, in my opinion, Steve Shanyaski is an extremely refreshing, talented, exciting and hilarious act! Surely, the only marker and gage of a stand up comedien/comedienne is that the audience are repeatedly laughing their sides off!!
Steve is a Genious!!!!

Permalink 06/01/08 @ 00:35

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