It's a week away from the end of the universityyear for me, I've got three essays due in in a weeks time with a combined word count of 8,000 words and I've not started on any of them. this is the reason I've not posted a blog for over a week as I've had two due in today, and a test this morning. I've learned something though: Never trust my flat mate Hollie to know what's going on. an hour into the exam she assured me was two hours (I don't know, I got bored of the lectures so I only went to the seminars since the middle of October, I'm really getting into the swing of being a student) the lecturer said "Right if you could just finish up." there was then a load of talking, and in spite of the fact that as a dyslexic student (an actual proper dyslexic student, not some posh kid who's a bit thick getting statemented as so many people seem to get annoyed about), I should have had at least an extra quarter of an hour on this, which would have been enough to turn it round. Instead I freaked out and went a bit mental.

Maybe I shouldn't have shouted at my lecturer. Maybe I shouldn't have finished the essay with the paragraph "Fuck this, this is bullshit, I can't concentrate as there's loads of noise and really I should have been allowed extra time in a quiet environment, it's a fucking disgrace, I'll be lodging a formal complaint."

I then found out that I shouldn't have actually even done the test, the special dispensation for the dyslexic students is that they get to do the essay on their own time. Arse.

Never mind, I got my essays in and done on time.

But that's not what this is supposed to be about, it's about comedy.

So a couple of weeks ago, after I posted my last blog I headed off to Lincoln, if you'll remember I'd been dying on my arse at gig after gig and I was needing a good one to pull back the average. Arriving at the bar it was empty, a situation that didn't change as show time apporached, though it was good to see Andy Kind, who I've not seen for ages. anyway the show was pulled, and I collected my cash and got ready to head off home when the promoter called me and told me that one of the acts hadn't turned up over at the other venue, a place on the marina called YOTS, so I headed over there to do the middle section.

Now my sense of direction is terrible at the best of times, and this wasn't the best of times but I managed to get there in the end, and just in time to go on stage. I've decided for a while at least to dress down when I'm on stage, with some of the topics I'm covering at the moment there's enough barriers between me and the audience without throwing a load of leather and PVC over it.

The audience seemed lovely and Barry Dodds had managed to do really well and they even went for his darkest stuff so I thought this will be fun. as I headed up onto the stage I felt really confident, and the opening three jokes (I've now removed the ones that caused trouble) worked and then suddenly I lost them. Really lost them. I was two minutes into a 20 minute set and they were just really staring at me. and it wasn't working.

This game works on tension and release, you build tension with a set up and release it with a punchline, when you die it's just build up after build up of tension. I also at this point started to realise that they weren't going to go for stuff, so rather than front it out I tried to ease my way into some of the stuff I was going to do and they still weren't going for it, essentially for the first ten minutes of this I just gave them set-ups that they didnt' like adn then decidednot to bother with the punchline.

It's funny how your mind works when you're on the spot. Then after ten minutes of this I just thought to myself, there's nothing you can do, so you might as well just go with it, and then I relaxed into the death and enjoyed every second of it. As I referenced that I was dying on my arse the audience loved that, I followed it up with "Really this has become a war of attrition, neither of us is prepared to give an inch and both of us will consider this a win." they loved that. What was odd was that they didn't seem to dislike me, they just really didn't think that I was funny in any way, but when I suggested that they wanted me to go, they all yelled "No" I wasn't going to go, I was only half way through my time, and however it's going I'll do my time and no more or less.

So I kept smiling and I kept talking and trying to do something to entertain them and they just weren't going with it, after 20 minutes I told them I was leaving and that I was confused as to why this had happened "It's just weird, don't worry, I'm not normally this shit." They laughed, I signed off with my usual message of love and acceptance and said I was off to the bar to think about what I'd done. and they liked that too.

It was a strange gig all round. I left fairly soon after and in the car on the way home it was playing on my mind. For 3 weeks now I'd not had a gig that'd gone right in any way, whatever it was that makes me funny had deserted me somehow, and it was confusing me. I was still in a place where I feel like I should just quit, but at the same time I'd really enjoyed the death I'd just had.

Dug and Dolan talked me through it though. But for the life of me I can't remember what it was that they said.

anyway, a couple of days later and it's the anniversary of Sarah and I splitting up, I bought her some flowers and I'm now really enjoying her company again. Turns out Brendon Burns was right, it does take a year to get over a broken heart.

That night, however I was on at the opening night of the Columbus Comedy Cave in Bradford for Fox Bronte.

Fox, crazy name crazy guy!

As I got to the venue I had a real sense of foreboding, which wasn't helped when i walked into the upstairs of the venue and asked at the bar about the comeddy telling them I was one of the acts "The show starts at 8:30" Well can I not go in? "Not until the show starts."

I headed off to try and find some cigarettes and came back just after 8:30. as I walked in to the gig the foreboding got worse, the guy on the door when I told him who I was and that I was tehre to perform just said "Oh" and then carried on talking to the people who were arriving.

I went over to a secluded spot away from the stage Fox came over and said hi and then told me that there were a few difficulties, the mic lead had been stolen and some of the other acts were very late.

It looked like it was going to be a disaster. I just wanted to go home. Experience should have told me that when this happens it means the gig's going to be good, but after the run I'd been through it just looked like hell.

Eventually Chris Brooker, my old flatmate turned up, he was MCing it and I was doing the opening 25, now without a microphone.

As it got closer to 9:30 the gig started adn more people wer coming in whilst Chris was mcing, by the time I got on stage there was a sizeable crowd, and you know what. This time it worked, it really worked, I just dropped right out of the front I've been building up over the last couple of years and was just me, telling my stories making people laugh and it was one of the nicest feelings in the world. Someone described me as "like an enthusiastic Stewart Lee" which made my day, as did the audience coming over and telling me how much they enjoyed it.

When you start out people tell you to be yourself, and you try, but it's like so many things in this never ending jigsaw puzzle, you can be told it but you don't know it until you know it, and then when you do it just seems so obvious.

After that aside from doing my college work I was getting ready for the third night of my new night at Vanilla Bar in Manchester, it wsa the first night I'd be resident compereing, and the pressure of doing that was starting to get to me, especially as I'd essentially overrun last month when I was just doing a set and used up pretty much all the material I've ever written.

Monday was fast approaching and I was starting to worry about it more and more, but fortunately Sarah was going to be there, along with her sister. Now it's not normally such a great thing to have loads of people you know in the audience, and especially not an ex, but we have a great understanding wtih each other, and essentially she doens't mind me telling stories about the stuff we've got up to, especially as it makes me look like a bit of a tool.

The only problem with it is Sarah's hideous attempts at time keeping, the show was supposed to start at 8:30, and so that I didn't have kittens I needed her to be there at 8:15 at the latest. I told her about 6 times in the run up to it that she needed to be there at 8. and she was cool with that. At about 4 she calls me from Manchester and says "Right, so I need to be there for 9 then?" so I say no, 8 at the very latest. after the call I send her this text:

"be there for 8, 8pm, 8 o'clock, 8 o'clock in the evening, 8. 8. eight. and not eight as in "Oh it's midnight, have I missed it?" 8, eight o'clock. remember that number I need you to be there for 8. hugs xXx"

Then as I'm drving into Manchester, a little late myself I get a phone call at 7:20 saying that she's not gone for food yet so she'll be down later.

Suddeny it's all loking a litte too real again. Essentially I've got 25 minutes of totally untested new stuff to do tonight, a good portion of which requires her to be there to back it up, or at least that's what I think, in the event, her being there makes it funnier but isn't neccessary to make it funny.

As I get into the bar, there's George, Vince and Susan, and about three other people there, it's 8:10 20 minutes to show time on a rainy Monday night. it's going to be shit, or worse, it's going to be pulled and then no more gig, which is a shame because it's a lovely venue and the crowd so far have been really good, not too good though, if you do something that's not funny they won't laugh, but they will laugh overall.

I go over to talk to Bex about it, now I'm shitting it because of the new material, and because there's going to be no one in. then at 8:20 Sarah gets there with her sister and her friend Avril from Back home, (she's ace by the way, one of the few people I've ever met who I'm able to totally just be wisecracking with from the get go and who gets it without trying to make out like I'm the mental one in some sort of show of charlie big spuds "you're funny so I'll be dismissive" way which really winds me up, but I've given you more than enough insight into how my head works so far.)

I'm glad to see them, it's only a small venue so even an extra 7 people starts to make the place look like it's ready for a gig, then something strange happens. between 8:22 and 8:30 the place totally fills up, it's just packed, we wait a while to see if any more come and at 8:45 we start the gig.

the new stuff works, they love it, they love the fact that I've got my ex there and talk about the stupid shit that I've done, they can't believe that I'll talk about it and that somehow makes it even better. George Cottier is first on, and though not all of them get him he does really well. I'm really impressed, then Susan Hanks goes on and rips it up, they audience is loving it, Vince Atta is magnificent and then splits the room with his rape and racism material, but if you're going to do rape material then you should have the courage of your convictions and do it in a lesbian bar. By the end of the night Sarah Millican takes what's been set up and really sets the bar for anyone who's going to perform there again, she is simply the most fantastic act I've seen in a long time and the audience love her.

It's a night that's included stories of Stalin, all 43 presidents of the US, Tricolor, lynx, rape, racism, paedophilia, zoophilia, ways to harm children, shitting yourself and suicide. it was probably the most fun I've had at a gig for a very very long time and the venue loved it, the audience loved it and all the acts wanted to come back and play agin. Later when a bunch of us were out having a curry I reflected back on that evening and I'm really proud of what we've managed to achieve there.

Roll on next month and Ray Peacock :D

right, best get back to work, no rest for the wicked.

I love you all

xXx

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