Everyone @ Chortle

I was accused, during my lonely, one-man (and, yes Sajeela, not gentlemanly) fight against oppression last weekend of acting as I did because I wanted press.

That seemed like a weird accusation. After all, "Who," I thought, "would write about this?"

And, trust me, when I woke up to find the incident chronicled in Chortle (somewhat inaccurately, but later changed slightly), I was not pleased but mortified. Was this to be the legacy of a creative and quietly triumphant year?

In a way, I suppose it was my first (and possibly only) experience of being tabloided. There was primarily embarrassment but I did then wonder if, as in the world of real celebrity, the coverage would help me in any way.

Still, I was glad when Andrew Collins unknowingly cut off Richard Herring as he was about to mention the thing on his podcast the other day.

And I was grateful when the story finally fell off the Chortle front page after almost six days.

However, the respite was brief. Now, my late-night frolic is mentioned in the Sunday Independent.

But you know what?

I'm basically the only person in the piece who isn't somebody.

And my name is dropped in offhandedly, as if you ought to know who I am.

(I do not hate this.)

before I can no longer make myself look fatter when somebody takes a picture of me?

Why are my instincts as to how I should physically configure myself (posture, etc.) so damn wrong?

If I were in the wild, I would surely die.

Last week, at a party, I met a performance poet who was both attractive and charming.

The next night, I saw her perform and enjoyed her tremendously.

We hung out each of my remaining days in Edinburgh.

Why couldn't the poet with whom I had such a bad experience last year have been like this one?


(It was the same person.)

Not a lot of power left in the laptop.

But hopefully enough to address the issue of my seemingly "zen" behavior for most of this fest.

Claire Smith talked about it repeatedly and was probably disappointed when she read about my run-in at the awards. Ian Shuttleworth called it "Buddhic" but noted it was less in evidence earlier on Fracas Day.

In fact, that very day, I told an incipiently fractious audience that I'd be happier if they left than if they stayed and made me miserable. (Those that stayed were wonderful.)

Also on that day, the aforementioned Ms. Smith remarked upon the increasing popularity of the "benign" me and I wrote back that I was not benign; that I remained malignant, albeit in a more pleasant may.

It's clear that I needed to blow off steam. But also, I think my decision to stand up to the door clowns and not let them get me down may have at least partly been borne of the same "improvements" that resulted in the "good" me.

(That's my story and I may be sticking to it.)

Reading Richard Herring's blog (http://www.richardherring.com/warmingup/warmingup.php?id=2123), I realised that we both had a bizarrely similar Sunday evening, without knowing it. Both of us left Edinburgh after our identically-scheduled final shows on Sunday night, leaving the city at about 10pm, in England by midnight, both of us failed to see a sign telling us this. Both decided to drive till tired and then just find a Travelodge. Both underestimated demand on a bank holiday, and both were turned away from several hotels (for me it was Westmoreland and Lancaster), before, in both cases, a friendly receptionist at a full Premier Travel Inn called ahead to other hotels in their chain to see where there was a room free. The same receptionist? I like to think so. I also like to think that we weren't the only performers doing this, that there was a massive congaesque chain of cars trundling down the M6, popping into every budget hotel affixed to every service station. I like the idea of an overnight hotel receptionist baffled by comedians, circus performers, jugglers, etc all rocking up at 3am demanding a room.

In Richard's case, he was just keen to get home; in mine I was getting to Cheltenham for Monday evening, for my annual rush to Greenbelt Festival. Always a lovely way to round off August with a gig that inevitably plays to more people than the whole of my Edinburgh run put together. Maybe that wasn't true this year, as they got me a smaller venue than last year - a shame cos last year's fit about 300, with at least as many again refused entry cos it was full. The Greenbelt top brass told me that next year they'll put me in Centaur, which is the big venue of about 1200 capacity. Lovely, and at the same time, yikes.

The show this year was fun, though manic, with 3 different shows in 5 hours - firstly the package show Get Up Stand Up at 8:30, then my solo show at 10pm, then finally a 15min spot at the late show Last Orders. All fun, though slightly marred by (drum roll please) my first complaint. One girl was a little offended that I had the N word on the screen at one point (I was quoting Kanye West's Golddigga - I felt legitimately, since he was black, and a Christian, and it's in context, but still it's a strong word and she didn't like it), and she also frowned on a video I played, arguing that it was offensive to blind people. It goes to show that up in Edinburgh I'm considered very much unedgy and safe, and yet I go to a Christian festival and suddenly I'm the edgiest thing some of them have seen...

In conclusion, you can't please all the people all the time. But Greenbelt was fun, and Edinburgh was funnish, and it's great to be home. And now I'm going out the door to my first post-Edinburgh gig. Cos although the bank holiday weekend of August is almost like the end of the comedians' calendar year, we've now had New Year's Eve and today is the equivalent of January 2nd. ie. Back to work.

The final Ed blog arrives courtesy of the free wi-fi on my train home. Thank god once again for this leap and bound in technology. After my constant stresses to be part of the cyber world whilst in Edinburgh, I am now able to blabber to the world via online methods once again.

Bit of a insightful blog today, sorry. Here we go:

So its all over for another year. I'm not 100% sure whether it was a good or bad year yet, and I probably wont until at least October time when the circuit is back in full swing. Sketch wise I feel like I've learnt a lot. Part of the learning involves writing and knowing what needs to be done, that we didn't do, in order to make a show work. The other part of the learning involves taking the critics less seriously after several of the things they didn't like were all the things the audiences did like. At the end of the day the audience matters most.

As for the stand-up world, I feel as though my 30 minute set couldn't be stronger and I have at least 15-20 minutes of excess stuff that I've chopped out. While I wont be doing that next year, I feel quite prepared to carry an hour, finally. I've also learnt to slow down instead of speaking at the speed of a child on sweets (which is my automatic default setting. If I have sweets it gets worse). The biggest lesson that I learnt however is to not say yes to quite so many shows, feeling that I should do everything I can. I've never hit the point of hating gigs, but last monday about 60 gigs into the fringe, I felt like I never wanted to do a show again, and I was mentally dead. I am looking forward to a week of no gigs so much, although I give myself four days before I get bored again.

I've seen some top stuff, seen some bad stuff and drunk and socialized way too much, which is just right for Edinburgh. All in all I've survived the most mental month of the year once again, and now I'm just tired. I really hope this train ride home is no way as stressful as my journey up. So far so good.

I am now home, but have some unfinished mopping up of the Edinburgh blog to do, before it becomes regular blog once more...

What have I achieved at the Fringe? Well, I've finished season 4 of Lost, season 2 of Heroes, and season 3 of Arrested Development. Those probably aren't the aims I set out with when coming up a month ago (wow, a month ago?). My main aim was to raise the profile a bit, as well as the joy and experience of coming up with a new hour show. It is nice to do a show where you are the only one who sets it up and the only one who performs it - different to life on the circuit where a compere sets the tone, and any acts on before you give you something to be compared to. Here in Edinburgh, you set the tone, and by the end of the hour, the audience take you for your own merits without comparing you to other comics. Except none of that's true of course, because in fact they might be comparing you with the 3 or 4 other shows they've seen that day already. However, when you get to tour the show you've done (which I will be, next spring), well then yes you do get that freedom, so that'll be nice.

I've also discovered the benefits of wearing an eye-mask to go to sleep - never worn one before, but my flats (I've had three) all featured very thin curtains, so the sun comes up (normally soon after I get in from Brooks' Bar) and it wakes you up, unless you come armed with one of those things you can nick of a long-distance flight. I had ear-plugs as well which I used the first week cos I was staying near a loud road, but I have refrained from using the eye-mask and ear-plugs together, for fear that if I cut off all sight and sound, I may never wake up ever again.

Highlights? Probably tenatively trying 'N*GN*GS' as a "risky seven" in Comedians' Countdown (a very risky seven). It wasn't allowed, but luckily I had a more definite eight, so no racist slang was needed. Phew.

Some late reviews in the last day or two - Ed Byrne was excellent, and the double-act show Jollie: Jon & Ollie Stuck Together was excellent riotous fun. I saw Back To The Future: The Pantomime on Sunday which was very enjoyable. Only last week I was chatting to Stuart, the guy with the Delorean who came up with it 2 years ago when I did Back To The Futon, and he said how keen he was to come up again with the Delorean. In fact he said he could probably get his hands on up to a dozen Deloreans to parade through Edinburgh, if I were to ever do that show again. I was going to wait till 2015 (to fit the films), but watch this space - Back To The Futon Part 2 could be here sooner than that...

Prob won't get around to writing those final notes about the if.comedy incident 'til tomorrow (or Thursday). But I should mention that I ran into the head of the awards panel last night and he couldn't have been warmer or more friendly. (I'd been talking to him on Saturday when the police arrived.)

I did have to suffer through a number of jokes yesterday as I made the rounds of the various final night gatherings, but they seemed good-natured enough and, really, there is a bright side to this mess -- it's how thin I look in the picture of me and the cops on Chortle.

Since the Socks have done their final video diary (oh to have Stephen Grant's OCD, sadly we just finally couldn't be arsed) it's up to me to round up. With Tips for Next Year (if, indeed, we do next year):

- Line up more extra-curricular gigs. We had a stonking run this year, but didn't line up any guest gigs before we came. So we had lovely extra gigs at Sideshow, Calvin Winter's VIP Lounge, The Bongo Club, Pubstock, filming for Current TV and the Culture Show (and we even had the offer of Spank, but it clashed, how weedy is that?) but really could have worked it more like Stephen, never forgetting that Edinburgh is a showcase you can exploit for when you get home (last year we did chat shows and stuff, which we didn't push for this year).

- Rethink the poster strategy. This year, for the first time since 2001, I didn't use Diabolical Liberties to flyposter our show. And why? Because, during preview week, they never answered their phone, which gave me the first weekend during which to see how ineffectual their postering had become. Thanks to the efforts of the council removal men, I've never seen fewer posters covering Edinburgh. And those few I've seen have been for the same handful of Avalon, Bound & Gagged and famous-off-the-telly shows. So I saved at least £150 a week there, and instead gave signed posters to the punters leaving our shows (only on weekends and a few other nights because we only had 500 posters and, humble cough, we played to well over 1000 punters this year). Next year I needn't spend that much on printing, but what to do to be more imaginative, eh?

- See more shows. I really saw sod all this year. 16 shows, and 11 exhibitions. That's pathetic isn't it? One of the exhibitions (Cardiff and Miller at the Fruitmarket) was so good that Heather and I went back to it 4 times, but that's no compensation for depriving so many shows of our attention. It's almost like we were on holiday or something.

Actually do you know what? My real ambition is to be too busy to do Edinburgh next year. If I could be so deluged with paying work, or if that TV production that we're working so hard towards came together, it would be very satisfying to give Edinburgh a miss. I mean I love doing the Fringe, and (if the box office doesn't burn down between now and October) we've made money from it. But it would be great to give it a year off, and have a really impressive reason to. If you see us up here next year (and we already know the title of the show and have started writing it, and designed the poster!) you can rub it in that, clearly, we've got sod all better to do.

See you then, eh?

Right, we're off home (like, who plays Monday night? Duh)

Kev F & the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre

It's the morning of the last day of the festival.

Best festival ever, Saturday night's "fracas" notwithstanding. (Final notes on that tomorrow.)

I have two shows to do today, which is strange. It's as if the festival is "the thing that would not die".

But it will die, or go into hibernation, shortly. Tomorrow is moving day.

I will miss you.

And I will see you tomorrow.

I’ve just finished watching the Olympic ceremony ending, and am trying to draw parallels between this and the end of the fringe. Help me out, I’m struggling a bit here.

That might be because the contrast between the bang of the Beijing games finishing and the whimpering way the Fringe peters out couldn’t be more contrasted. For a start, there’s not even a real sense of when it ends in comedy-land. The if.com party usually signifies the climax of it all, but then we all go and gig the following day, so that’s not the end. And then only half of us are actually finished then; the rest have to do this bizarre Monday gig that is justified by the fact that it is a bank holiday (but not, I believe, in Scotland – though nobody seems able to confirm this). This water is further muddied by the fact that a handful of comedians cancel their last show as they can’t be arsed – or – as in some cases, it sells so badly as to not be worth it. A real pity after the typically super-busy final weekend that can easily sell out and give you some of your most responsive and rewarding audiences, but understandable. However, I won’t be doing that this year; and bizarrely, I’m relishing my final Monday, for two reasons that I’ll cover later.

I’ll rewind back 30 hours or so to cover my busiest day so far, last Saturday. It started early with a trip to the Edinburgh Food Festival, where I improvised my breakfast from 100 different varieties of pickles, jams, cheeses and whiskies on oatcake fragments snaffled from increasingly cynical stallholders. Not to be outdone by just about every other festival in Edinburgh, they had a ‘performance area’ too, where I saw (while stood – it was packed out) Hardeep Singh Kohli attempt to cook Pork Belly with a gooseberry Cranachan. I couldn’t hear him at first as the sound was useless and fed back when he stood next to the oven, and when I did, I still couldn’t see him as what lighting was provided was shining off his 1970’s style Adidas tracksuit. When my eyes finally acclimatised, it transpired that the gooseberry cranachan was actually raspberry, and the only thing I could hear him tell us is that he wasn’t actually much of a cook, with his only culinary reknown being his short stint on Celebrity Masterchef. This hasn’t stopped him releasing a cookbook which he was plugging every 5 minutes; though that frequency dropped markedly when he burnt a pan of sugar shortly after telling us how important it was not to burn it.

After that, it was off to do ‘On Heat’, Matt Forde’s panel show; the format having hardly changed from last year and still entertaining and baffling punters in equal measures. The show I sat in on was so laid back that team captains Mark Olver and Jon Richardson seemed to spend the entire hour the audience’s side of the 4th wall; though with the venue being the tent in SoCo, walls 1 through 3 were never going to be an issue. Still, a lot of laughs were had, especially regarding Stuart Hudson’s romantic failings at the hands of an amorous pig-farming love rival; and my rantings about the evil that is Johnny Vaughn got a good response also. As ever, I lost. I can’t help feeling this ‘Second’ thing is graduating from show title to all-out curse. Certainly putting a bet on the if.com results didn't help.

And then off to do my show – which, hooray, had sold out.



I’ve never quite understood the ‘sold out’ board – surely this is only for acts’ egos only. Why would a punter entering the courtyard want to know which shows they CAN’T see? It’s like having a menu in a restaurant only showing you what food is off. A much more useful system would be a daily list of ALL the shows in the Pleasance with the sold-out shows being rubbed off. But then, I guess it’s a tradition.

Thankfully my show was a good one (though not as good as tonight’s – that was a breakthrough show; I decided to just relax and play with the audience and unbelievably, cracked it. Oh well, I only did it with a day to go. This is reason No. 1 for me looking forward to Monday. Still not the best show though; that came the Monday before, which just had a magical feeling about it. After it, a lady from the audience came up to me and said, “that was the best show I’ve ever seen on the fringe, I cried throughout the end”. To which I said, “thank you”, and then, after a short pause, “I’m really sorry”. What’s the decorum for addressing strangers who have told you that you made them cry? Apology or gratitude?). Then it was a race off to host Jongleurs Edinburgh again, and then, with my voice beginning to crack, back to the Pleasance to host the huge BBC Comedy Presents Gala in Pleasance One. Acts included a very on-form Craig Campbell, a nicely chilled Carl Donnelly (who agreed with me regarding my thoughts on Russell Kane’s show - see below) and closing act Andrew Lawrence, who overlapped the if.comedy award announcements. No major surprises in the award to Sarah Millican, and well done Sarah, and while everyone agreed that DoD was totally deserving of the main award, there was definitely some surprise. In the Green Room afterwards, Ella from the BBC admitted to a dream/premonition in which she had (correctly) predicted the award outcomes, and while most people were quite shocked it wasn’t Rhod’s prize (as it was so universally accepted for how brilliant it was), myself and Carl agreed that Russell’s show had flashes of totally gobsmacking elements; where you felt that something almost unworldly was happening in how funny and focussed the show had become; a total sense of empathy with the performer and an ability to unlock your inhibitions about laughing so hard and long, that it almost hurt. I know it’s just my opinion, but it really was that good. And it wasn’t even perfect. Best comment came from Andrew Lawrence though, who jokingly commented, “Where do I get a new agent?” as his agency (Hannah Chambers Management) had scored the double with Sarah and David and no doubt will have their hands full with two of the hottest tours of the next 12 months.

No mention of the panel prize though, which I didn’t find out until I got to the if.com party, though by now I was truly exhausted from 7 hours of performing. Which might explain why I thought at first people were winding me up when they told me who the recipients were; all the comedians at the fringe. The prize: a free bar up to the value of four grand at a venue to be determined. Right you are. How ironic that the ‘spirit of the fringe’ should be to throw away £4K on a piss up nobody needed in a city we wouldn’t normally be visiting in return for the vague belief that we’ve achieved something. Well, if that isn’t the spirit of the fringe, what is?

Anyway, the upshot of this is that we can all now technically put ‘if.com’ winner on our posters next year. Paul Kerensa has put in his blog that he wishes there were no awards (a comment made at the party of an awards ceremony, though I’m sure he’s aware of the locational irony in that musing); simple solution Paul – if we all sport our ‘if.com’ winner prize on our posters, it’ll devalue the award enough that nobody will bother with it again. They haven’t thought this through, have they.
Too much drink and too much mixing of those drinks meant today was a tricky proposition. I was up at the crack of dawn to do Jon Richardson’s show on 6music - http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/podcasts/rh6m/. After my show, I went off to see Daniel Kitson’s show in the bizarrely steep Traverse theatre, where I bumped into if.com newcomer Sarah Millican and Gary Delaney. Her glee at winning is so infectious I almost felt triumphant just chatting to her. So pleased she got it – couldn’t happen to a nicer person. Sarah told me her post-Ed gala show will be at the Apollo; in one night, she could play to an audience 3 times the size of her entire Edinburgh run added together. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that as she did a bit of a girly gulp at that point. A word about the Traverse though (and yes, Jay Richardson is right, people really do need to know if a venue can detract from the enjoyment of a show). We found a row to sit together which was ridiculously uncomfortable; the seats were practically on the floor meaning your knees are up by your chest. It was like sitting in the back of a Porsche for an hour and a half – not comfy at all. That said, Daniel’s wonderfully poetic way with words always enthrals me and distracts me, and I felt many pangs of empathy in his sentiments. Definitely a good show though the worryingly over-enthusiastic crowd was clearly bugging him because on a couple of occasions he berated a punter for her rather shrill and dominating laugh – which to be honest I couldn’t hear. I guess being over-loved has its drawbacks too.

So, almost there now. One show to go – and tomorrow it will be performed to the newly crowned if.comedy newcomer, as Sarah and Gary had admitted to actually buying tickets to my last show, which I feel terrible about; I could have easily walked them in. I’m looking forward to it because Gary’s feedback is invaluable; he’s one of the few comics on the circuit who is as obsessive about the art and execution of stand-up as me, and therefore never short of a worthy insight. So to wrap up tonight, as promised, here’s my big list of shows for this year’s festival; in the case of the shows I’ve seen, I’ve got reviews that can be joined on to them, but as per Paul’s great blog entry of yesterday, it’s up to you to work out which one relates to which show.

Enjoy.

Shows I saw during the Festival
Richard Herring (and I saw the Preview)
Lloyd Langford (and I saw the Preview)
Patrick Monahan
Glenn Wool
Ivan Brackenbury
Justin Moorhouse
Andrew Lawrence
Rhod Gilbert
Andrew Maxwell
Dan Atkinson
Chris Cox
John Bishop
Aaa Standup
Jason Cook
Andy Zaltzman
Gav Webster
Jim Jeffries
Ian Stone
Russell Kane
Jimmy Carr
Danny Bhoy
Mark Watson
Tim Minchin
Markus Birdman
Comedy Reserve
SYTYF final
Edinburgh Food Festival
Daniel Kitson

• Great, but by his own lofty standards, not a vintage year.
• Should be seen by all comedians who want to understand how to put together a near-flawless show.
• Masterful and controlling, but a bit ponderous in places. Audience loved it throughout though.
• His best Edinburgh show yet. Best gag is the opening one though, and it doesn’t get as much as it deserves.
• Loads of great material let down by a lack of structure, but really good nonetheless
• Wish I’d seen this at the beginning of the run. A masterclass is feel-good delivery. Great.
• Good material, good comedian, but the venue did the show no favours. I really enjoyed the video section but some of the press didn’t agree at all.
• Unashamedly shambolic in large parts and just brilliant too. My top recommendation to other comics.
• Great to see a great comic who unlike others who have ‘made it’, doesn’t rest on his laurels and continues to work hard. My friends argued that this was his best show to date and I think I agree.
• Good and annoying in equal measures. Man has unlimited charisma though
• In places, disappointing – but only because it had the potential to be loads better. Still a good show though.
• Beautifully put together but surprisingly repetitive in places; definitely good but I still prefer last year’s show.
• A good second show and heartwarming to see a comic enjoying their craft so much.
• Most laughs I’ve had in the afternoon. Jokes stick in your head too. Excellent.
• Good. There’s a genuine rough gem in here.
• Funny though a touch frustrating – a good show but he’s capable of being so much better, and he probably knows it.
• As good as last year’s show, so I enjoyed it. No real message but that doesn’t matter.
• Edinburgh’s most underrated performer. Clever and funny.
• Good material made great by an ever improving comic in a frankly poor venue.
• A nice variation from the sort of thing I normally watch and genuinely clever in loads of places.
• Surprisingly good, and he owned the sell-out room. In my top 10. Shame the people he attracts to his gigs can be utter bell-ends.
• An ever-improving comic with a show that was being unfairly derided in some of the press. Loads to enjoy and unfair comparisons with his previous show were baseless.
• Very good, but maybe not quite as good as last year’s show, though the critics clearly thought the opposite of me.
• Some absolute high points and some utter rubbish too. Rollercoaster hour. Audience frankly had saint-like patience.
• 10/10 for invention and funny throughout as well. Blown away by his ever-expanding gift for voices which I never knew he posessed.
• Every mc’s worst nightmare.
• Exemplary. My favourite show of the festival. Even though it had loads of holes in it, there were moments when it took your breath away. Stunning.

Shows I've Been In
3 * Old Rope
4 * Late N Live
2 * Late Show Underbelly
Political Animal
Afterhours At The Dome
2 * Sytyf Semi
Mervyn Stutter
Lunch With The Hamiltons
3 * Bbc Comedy Presents
3 * Edcom8
25 * Stephen Grant
Stand Glasgow
2 * Jongleurs Glasgow
3 * Jongleurs Edinburgh
Montreal comedy showcase
E4 Podcast
2 * Comedians Countdown
On Heat
Chortle Student Awards Final
Fred Macauley Show, BBC Scotland
BBC 6 Music Jon Richardson Show
Forth 2 Morning Show

Shows I Should Have Been In
Electric Cabaret At C Venue (Nobody Turned Up)
Andrew J Lederer's Anthology (I Mistook 12:50pm For 12:50am)
Karen Bayley's Midnight Gig (Clashed With Another Gig)
Feeling Funny Downstairs A The Tron (Clashed With Another Gig)

People Whose Previews I Saw
2 * Lucy Porter
2 * Reg D Hunter
Hal Cruttenden
Phil Nichol
Michael Fabbri
Bethany Black

Stuff I Wanted To See But Couldn't
Fakespeare
Rob Heeney
Literally
Mort
Free Fringe Show
Comedy O Clock
On The Waterfront
Michael Fabbri
Neil Delamere
Craig Campbell
J J Whitehead
Maeve Higgins
Karl Spain

Overlap Impossibilities
Kerry Godliman
Zoe Lyons
Pappy's Fun Club
Terry Saunders

People I Could Never Get Into Because They Sold Out
Otis Lee Crenshaw
Sarah Millican
Michael Mcintyre
Jon Richardson
Tim Vine
Ed Byrne
Steve K Amos

I leave tonight. My last show finishes at 8pm - I'll be packing my car straight up and hitting the road, stopping at a motorway services hotel somewhere around Carlisleish, to break up my journey to Cheltenham, where I'm due tomorrow night to do the show one last time (for now) at a nice big ol' festival where I can look forward to playing to more people than I have all month put together. So, a bit of housekeeping before I leave...

The if.come-and-die awards last night - worthy winners in Millican and O'Doherty. I'm particularly pleased Sarah won - mainly cos I know her and she's lovely, but part of me (the evil, corporate promoter part of me) is delighted cos she's playing our gig in Guildford in October, so hey, Guildford folks, come and see the newcomer winner on Wed 1st Oct (oh, and Lee Hurst on Wed 3rd Sept). And while you're there, Guildford folks, pub on Tuesday night?

One comedian who shall remain nameless was chatting to me last night at the awards bash and said, "So if you've won the if.comedie thing, can you be nominated in the future." "No," I replied. "Then what's the point of coming back each year? Why does Brendon Burns or Phil Nichol come back with a new show, if there's incentive?" Ugh. This nameless comic was whisked away before I could reply: "You think everyone's just here to win an award!? What about putting a show on just for the love of putting an hour of comedy together?" If I could change three things about Edinburgh, it'd be no awards whatsoever, a full house for everyone, and less hills.

Oh, and lastly, the 'bringing it home' of the title. One of my former schoolteachers came to my show on the weekend, bless her - now that's a good teacher. Ten years after I left, and she's still checking up on me. She talked of her impending retirement, and the dreams she's had of travelling the world - Australia, South America, Asia... and then of how her husband was recently diagnosed with dementia. You have all those dreams and then you suddenly are thrust into being a carer for the rest of your life. So it doesn't seem to me that she's retiring - more switching jobs. So I'm delighted they both made it along to the show, and it is also sudenly reminds you how Edinburgh Doesn't Really Matter. Up here, it's a microcosm - star ratings matter, audience figures going up and down matter, even who you're chatting to in a bar matters. We forget about the rest of the world, whether it's Olympic Games, air crashes in Madrid, or people like my old teacher who has bigger fish to fry than to worry about a dodgy review in a student-written 'magazine' (or piece of paper). So that's what brought it all home to me.

Till next year, farewell Edinburgh - thanks for having me.

In May, I was heading into a Cinco de Mayo celebration in Flushing Meadows-Corona Park and had to pass a police checkpoint. All bags were being examined before entry.

A cop asked me, "Do you mind if I look into your bag?" I answered, "I do mind."

He got angry and said it was perfectly alright if I didn't go into the event.

I said, "I didn't say I wasn't going to let you look into my bag. I simply said I minded if you did."

I was being honest with the guy and having a little fun. Like many New Yorkers, I'm simply tired of having to, post-9/11, quietly tolerate the increasing implementation of a police state.

But at least there was some actual cause for the NYPD's concern.

Last night, however, after leaving the if.com party with a friend, I decided to briefly return. I had not gotten an arm band on the way out; wasn't even aware I was supposed to.

When I started walking in, the guards moved toward me and I said, while walking, that I had already been in and I kept moving toward the entry.

This antagonized them. Fair enough.

But disrespect is not a crime.

When I explained that I hadn't known about the arm bands and was on the list, which they could check, they said that since I'd tried to walk past them, my reentry would be denied.

Now, to me, this is a misuse of authority. Who the fuck are they? (There goes one of those vicious, 4-letter words for which I am world-famous).

I was not drunk. I was not physically intimidating. There was a misunderstanding, it could easily have been cleared up and that should have been that.

But their egos were bruised 'cause I'd rushed past them, so they wanted to show me who was boss. They even claimed that by continuing past the female guard when she started to speak, I had "assaulted" her, which is a preposterous notion, as I immediately pointed out.

Now, I didn't really care whether I got back in but I don't like to be pushed around any more than they do. And, truthfully, in a party situation, the onus of respect should be on them since they are employees and those they are dealing with are guests.

So, I decided to not simply let them run me off.

I had fun with them, refused quietly and without hostility to follow their instructions, reminding them each time they asked me depart that I was a guest and that it was not their place to use their power for petty revenge.

Eventually, they lifted me and carried me down to the sidewalk and I started (no vicious torrent) shouting, for (I thought) comedic effect and to mitigate my embarrassment, 'cause people I knew could now see what was going on, about fascists and Jew-haters, which I know to be cliched buzz words and which I find funny as a complaint of first resort.

Unfortunately, Brits think Americans are devoid of irony and so take what we say as if an expression of almost pathological earnestness.

Brits also seem think everyone in a situation like this is drunk. (Or mental). In fact, Sajeela Kershi and Duncan Bolt were sure I had been denied reentry on the basis of drunkenness, which was not the case.

The guards were, simply, as I pointed out earlier, punishing me for what they perceived as disrespect.

So, I then intentionally disrespected them because I knew it would annoy them and the power to annoy was the only thing I had with which I could fight back against their power over me.

In fact, I said repeatedly that I was intentionally annoying them. (This annoyed them all the more.)

I started up the stairs about a dozen times, not to get in, but to make them have to work a bit more. I did most of this with a smile.

Yes, I know, I seem to be implying I was a kind of crusader for justice and, perhaps only to myself, I was. Duncan Bolt sensed this and said, "You're not Gandhi," to which I replied (again, to be funny), "I am."

He then said, "You're not Martin Luther King," and I told him I knew that I wasn't as I was not black.

I said I didn't like (here's that phrase again) the guards' misuse of power and pointed out that they were not police, that they're just hired guys doin' a job. That they ought be more humble about it. That they were basically no different than bathroom attendants.

Ooh, that really outraged Duncan, who attacked me for being a snob. (I said I was -- again, simply thought it was funny.) He actually said I was a posh, middle class snob, thinking I was better than other people and that's when I realized that I had fallen afoul of the whole British class thing.

Truly, we don't think like that in America. My comparison of the guards' gig to a loo-worker's was just meant to show that being a guard doesn't make you "all that"; that you're no better than seemingly lesser toilers. (In other words, precisely the opposite of what I was being accused of.)

As for the "vicious torrent of four-letter words" referred to in the Chortle news article, it was a lot milder than what one would hear during a breif visit to a comedy club. I may have said fuck a few times and I said cunt twice, referring to the guard that way in the third person (again, to annoy) and then when referring to the police "Cunt Patrol" when she said, delightedly, that the use of that word was an infraction. (She was so happy she finally had something she could peg me with, it was unbelievable.)

It seemed hard to believe a word could be illegal, but then -- again -- I forgot where I was.

I just hung out talking to people. The police took a long time to come.

When they did, I told them what happened, what I had said (all of it) and why.

And that was that.

Oh, yeah. They followed me at a distance to make sure I was actually going home. (Which I was, if home is the Loft Bar.)

They let me say goodbye to John Gordillo before I left. Then I turned toward the guards, said, "Thanks for the fun," and it had ended.

A couple of blocks away, while the cops were still watching, an angry drunk knocked over a massive traffic barricade. The officers seemed totally unconcerned with that.

And that brings me back to the issue of drunkenness.

While, I was not drunk, it is likely that many of the "witnesses" were and even in real time, several were unaware of the details of the fracas but satisfied themselves with their own interpretation.

It's interesting to me that I was not interviewed for the Chortle article. I hope, as you read it, that you will consider, if you know me, that some of these things are not in my character. (I am particularly upset with the "vicious torrent" notion.)

I have no doubt that passersby and gawkers thought they were seeing an out-of-control mentallist getting his due. And maybe, in some measure, that's a (though not the only) legitimate interpretation.

But, I was not out of control.

Perhaps this makes my actions worse. But to the unseen metaphoric camera, recording things from an appropriate distance, I suspect a lot of what went on was funny. (Do you think it will qualify me for next year's "Spirit of the Fringe"?)

And so, as it all winds to a close, we end on a high note having finally received our Scotsman review. Happy happy joy joy...

Someone who used to (accurately) tell me that the way I stood made me look shorter and fatter turned up at my early show today.

Now, I've lately looked much thinner and taller but mid-show I noticed I was sitting in a way that made me look unduly fat

So, the rest of my time with the friend, I attempted to position and present myself in a more-flattering way and ended up contorting myself into the very girth-revealing, squat-enhancing positions that had originally prevailed.

3 days to go and try as I might, I can't hold back the highly self-indulgent philosophising. I'll do my best not to do all of it 'out loud’ as I’ve spent the last week reading a lot of other people’s blogs and realise that in many cases with blogs, not only is less more, even less is practically morish.

The problem here lies in that the final few days up here are spent thinking whether your Edinburgh has been a success or not. Last year I had a breakthrough year, so keeping the momentum was going to be tricky. And it has been. But that’s a discussion for another blog; you never have a true perspective of how good your festival has been until it has finished; and seeing as it hasn’t yet, I’ll hold back on that one.

What I will do though is talk about the effect doing a show for nearly four weeks can have on you. For a start, it’s groundhog month. Doing the same show every night has massive advantages and disadvantages. The advantages are simple; you get to perfect and polish a body of work in a way you’d never be able to do on the circuit. All that stage time – no matter what level you are at in your career, can’t hurt. The disadvantages are slightly more cryptic though; on top of the drain (emotional, physical, mental) of doing your show each day, you start feeling almost like someone with a day job; true enough, it may only be an hour a day, but you start to run out of the motivational energies that keep you pepped the other 11 months of the year. And this year I’ve found that if you include a personal / heartfelt element in your show the net result of saying it each day is the complete polar opposite of what you think it might be.

I’m not saying I’m at Jason ‘death’s door’ Cook levels of personal tragedy* (please note this is a running joke with Jason after an earlier blog insinuated that Jason is a near-suicidal character. I would like to reiterate that I still cannot confirm or deny this.) but the passing remarks within my show about my ongoing and increasingly difficult divorce – which aren’t discussed in any detail and are played for laughs – are actually getting harder to say each night. I originally thought that putting a personal element in would numb me to the effect of the true story behind it, but actually it just throws it into sharp, repeated, focus each day, and that’s not what I wanted to do at all. But then even worse, is the actual premise of the entire show, which is all about how I’ve come second in life. The purpose of this show is to try to celebrate my near-miss successes both in my social and professional life, by highlighting and laughing off my failures, but actually it’s making those “almost-moments” of this year’s Fringe even more stark and annoying.

And by this I mean the review that was editorially bumped down from 5 to 4 stars which could have changed the whole perspective of my fringe, the press people who ran out of space and time to publish their pieces on me, the important TV and international festival bookers who just missed the start of my show and therefore couldn’t see me, the three ‘completely random’ shows that were frankly abysmal and just so happened when the if.com judges / main reviewers were in; I could go on, but I won’t, because it makes me sound like a whinging tit. The only problem is, whereas in previous years, I could laugh off and move on when these sort of bad-luck stories surfaced up, I am now doing a show about how they have shaped my life; and therefore they’re plaguing me each day as I relive my most famous (and anecdotally funny) failures. Anyway, in summary, my show topic was a very good one, but the net effect of doing the show each night has backfired. Some days I just feel miserable after reliving it all and it’s all of my own making. Nuts.

With this in mind, it’s probably quite poetic that I came 2nd in Comedy Countdown to Alex Horne (who, might I add, has been on ACTUAL countdown, proving how bloody good he is). I lost by a single point. I would have won if ‘dueted’ was a word, but it wasn’t. Arse. That said, I clearly had an evil streak in me; I managed to get the numbers game to 666 and thought the audience conundrum was ‘daemonics’ when in actual fact it was ‘comedians’.



Alex quite sportingly allowed me to keep half of the trophy (the top half) of a glass bowl. Here I am wearing it as a hat.



And spreading my dirty ‘coming 2nd’ curse involved top Brighton new comedian Seann Walsh who came 2nd in this year’s So You think You’re Funny. Seann wasn’t helped by a – shall we say - ‘not quite on form’ Rhona Cameron bringing him on cold for the start of the 2nd half, but he still acquitted himself admirably. Sean won £1000 for coming 2nd – not bad – but I know how much the £4K for winning would have actually changed his life (genuinely) so I think he was gutted in that respect. Either way though, he’ll go on to be an immense comic. What’s so good about him after just a year of doing stand-up is that he’s utterly unique in delivery and he’s getting there in content too. The best definition I’ve heard about him so far is ‘like a surfer Dylan Moran’ but even that’s not that close. Look out for him.

Oh, and speaking of winning a grand – but less poetically – I came 6th in the 'best joke in Edinburgh' poll on the TV channel Dave. The winner (who got that grand) was fellow Brightonian Zoe Lyons (and yes, Brighton really is the new up and coming circuit, in the same way Bristol was 4 years ago and Manchester 4 years before that). Her joke – and mine – is here. Well done Zoe.

Anyway. Unlinked to today’s post, I saw Andy Zaltzman’s show , which was ace (and I shared a cab there with Karl Spain who was performing in Stand 2 upstairs at the same time, which was embaressing as I really should have seen Karl instead), I bumped into a very svelte looking Jimmy Carr on the way home and stopped for a great chat about his brutally busy upcoming tour (to give you an idea of just how famous he is now, people were taking cameraphone pictures of him while we talked – just surreal), then I went home to eat and go for a quick meeting before my show, which went surprisingly badly and frankly upset me; and for a completely unrelated reason, had the show from hell today in which 2 people were ejected by security for heckling not just me, but other members of the audience and the warm-up computer. That’s right, they shouted abuse at an inanimate object. One for a future blog entry again, methinks.

And then it was racing off to Jongleurs Edinburgh to host the show there – I got there in good time but that still didn’t stop the Jongleurs staff getting confused and thinking I was 2nd act Steve Williams and delaying the show until I ‘arrived’, while I was actually there. Easy mistake. The other acts on the bill were Kerry Godliman and Janey Godley which makes you wonder how much of the booking at Jongleurs is done alphabetically. Afterwards, I met Maria Kempinska (sp?) - the Jongleurs co-owner - who was in the audience. I’ve never met her before and she’s really nice. I had no idea what to expect though – though you do panic slightly thinking, “if she hates me, that’s a fifth of my weekends diary gone”. Oh well. Let’s see what calls I get on Monday.

I was going to finish my blog by slightly (totally) ripping off Paul Kerensa’s idea, as I’ve also got a big list of shows I’ve seen; including ones I’ve been in, and then the rest of the shows that were on my ‘to do’ list and what happened to them. However, it’s dead late now and I’m off to the food festival tomorrow and need an early (it’s 3:30am) night – hence I’ll do that tomorrow. So I’ll finish ‘on topic’ by saying the one place I hope my ‘coming second’ curse doesn’t spread to is my original tip for if.comeddie success; Russell Kane. In fact, I really have put my money where my mouth is; If this bet comes good, it’ll cover the money I spent on badges and yo-yos in 2006, which still haunts me to this day.

Here are all the shows I've seen this month, and what I thought of them. But because I don't want to offend anyone if I didn't like their show, I've muddled around my reviews. So feel free to mix and match...

Rhod Gilbert
Ed Aczel
The Knowledge of Beauty
Jason Cook
Tina C
Jim Rose Circus
Big Value Comedy Show
Phil Kay
Late & Live
John Pinette
X Files Improv
harvest festival
last five years
rat pack
john gordillo
faulty towers
antonio forcione & adriano adewale
rob deering
66a church road by daniel kitson
a hug away from happiness
we all fall down
homework for heroes

- funny at times, but an overall letdown - might have been the wrong space for him
- awful - would have left if the entrance wasn't part of the set
- good, but not half as good as everyone says it is
- enjoyed it, but made me think i could come back and do something like that much better. So I might.
- just lovely and moving and very funny and the only show I saw twice
- a bit of a letdown - heard lots of hype but i didn't see a 5-star show (maybe that's the problem with hype)
- a lesson in holding a crowd, but then it's easier with songs, innit?
- not my cup of tea, nor was it the rest of the audience's cup of tea, i think. In fact I think the only person who liked it was the bloke doing it.
- a bit too tame for my liking - disappointing, compared to what the show would have been years ago
- I'm glad I saw this at the end of the festival, because it's depressing to see this at the start and realise that none of us are as good as this guy
- one performer was great - the rest... (shrugs)
- brilliant - glad i finally got to see him
- passed an hour. laughed three times.
- good fun, original, different - surprised it worked for an hour really
- entertaining enough, although his arrogance put me off a bit
- i want my money (and hour) back. Made me think the fringe should stop its open-door policy and start auditioning.
- brilliant - expected to hate it, but i got suckered into it, and would see it again and again
- inspiring, uplifting - the perfect show to end a day on. I bought the CD straight after.
- pretty good fun, although it looked like the theme of the show was tagged on at the last minute
- argh. so bad. so so bad.
- the material was great, the performance was not great, and actually frightening
- a brilliant, brilliant piece of theatre. Rarely have I seen a show where the acting, writing and direction were all so impressive. Gutted to hear this might be their last year, cos the fringe needs shows like this.

The cause -- double socks.

(Now, my left shoe fits again.)

This is the music that brings our audience into the room every night. We'd like to do a proper video for it someday, but for the time being, enjoy...

It undermined my sense of self-esteem at the Avalon party.

When Mark Watson smiled at me, I thought, "He hates me." Then I drank the free booze and I was beautiful.

Why can't I transcend without help?

At Steve Bennett's party, I danced as if my shoe would stay on forever. People thought I was wonderful (except when I tried to hold in my stomach so I would appear more muscular and Jo Caulfield's husband thought I looked psycho).

Why can't I be wonderful in the first place?

Didn't expect to be able to blog today, but chance would have it I am abusing the lovely Comedybox/Myspace people's wi-fi as Mat and Lauren film a sketch with them.

Only 4 more sketch shows to go, 5 more stand-up shows and a couple of extra gigs till I am free from having to tell a joke in any format for at least a week. I really really cant wait. Its felt like a long four weeks here, and I don't think I've ever gigged as much in such a short space of time. I have been semi-boasting about doing 76 gigs in 3 and half weeks, but in comparison to Paul Foot's record breaking '100 gigs in 10 days' or Phil Nichol's 5 gigs a day at last year's fest, mine is just tame.

Perhaps it seems such a feat because this year's fringe seems to have taken it's toll more than usual though. Less tickets have been bought, the weather has been horrendous, and in general it seems like people aren't backing the fun of the fringe quite as much, or wanting to promote the new and interesting that the festival usually regurgitates up. Even the if.comedys this year have nominated less acts for both categories. It's as though there is not enough worthy comedy around, which I'm sure there is. Even up until the nominations I had only heard general buzz about 3 or 4 shows, not all of which got nominated. I'm still gutted for the Penny's who so should have been nominated again. Truly one of the best shows I've seen in a long time.

I wonder if its because everything started early and now the fringe is a week behind. Last week was as busy as the first week should have been. This week, everyone seems to have fringe flu, which most people get in week two usually. Everything seems out of sync. Even I haven't been out as much this week as previous weeks, which is usually what happens in slightly tamer week 2 not mental week 3. I'm sure that will all change over the last weekend, but I'm just a tad tired of it all.

As long as can get to Sunday without going completely psycho with cabin fever I should be ok. Just two shows today, then out tonight, and same tomorrow but seeing the much hyped (and I hear deservedly so) Sammy J tomorrow night.

Last note: The E4 podcast is now number 1 download on itunes. I finally listened to it yesterday and it sounds damn good if I do say so myself. Go download me, then the new one this week with the excellent if.comedy nominee Rhod Gilbert on it. And no, they aren't paying me to say that. But they should.

I had a dream last night. In it, John Gordillo, the acclaimed magician (it was a dream, ok, and he looks like he could be a magician) "killed" me, although it was a magic trick, so I wasn't really dead. Only I didn't know that at the time, so I was terrified. Then I realised it was a trick, and a fake needle (alright, genuine needle (still in a dream though), fake killy substance inside it), and so Gordillo-in-the-dream smuggled me out of the venue where he was performing 'murder' (oh yes, this was in front of a paying audience), and put me in a small room with Pappy's Fun Club, who had also been fake-murdered by The Great Gordillo the day before. Cut to a day later, and the amazing illusionist lets us out, in front of dozens of press photographers, all convinced that JG had actually committed homicide on the 5 of us (and yet no one had arrested him? plus they'd willingly followed him to this small abandoned room, thinking he was a killer? Alright, it's dream logic). We appear, the photographers go mental, we get to tell the world that we were never injecting with lethal poison in the first place, although at the time we did think we were actually going to die.

And then I woke up. In a panic, cos at one point there I thought I was about to die, but in my first moment of waking I was also briefly sad that the dream wasn't true - because, I thought to myself, think of the press attention and ensuing ticket sales that my pretend murder would generate.

That's when you know it's time to leave Edinburgh.

Our fave raves from this year's Fringe..

Jay Richardson, him of Scotsman reviewing fame, has replied to my original blog post regarding reviewers, which I've cut and paste below (he couldn't get the 'comment' facility to work). This, theoretically, is a review of 'reviewing the reviewers'. Yes, my head is hurting now.

-------------

Hi Stephen. Enjoyed your set the other night. And most of this post is spot-on. But I must take mild issue with a couple of your points as I have pressing work I'm procrastinating from.

Firstly, I think that if the review word count allows the space (and frequently it doesn't) a reviewer can have an obligation to note external factors outwith the comic's control. While acknowledging that it may not be the performer's fault, the reviews are primarily for the punters (specifically at this festival and visiting these venues in the case of many publications) and if they're paying a decent amount of money for a venue where water leaks from the roof every night and affects enjoyment of the gig, that is potentially worth inclusion. Playing devil's advocate, why shouldn't reviews of shows in consistently hot venues note the liquid or confectionary bribes that the comic supplies the audience with to ease their suffering? Sadly, it may have far more bearing on their enjoyment of the show than all of that comic's years on the circuit.

Also, if there's an especially drunken heckler who affects the direction of the show (ie the comic announces that they're dropping a large portion of it to deal with this idiot) it should be worth noting that this was not a typical performance.

Secondly, in the case of John Gordillo's show, I can only speak for the Scotsman. While they obviously respond to buzz about specific shows, that particular review was scheduled long before the Chortle review appeared, so it's not always a case of being dedicated followers of fashion. The online nature of Chortle means that their reviews can appear the following day or so, whereas the same cannot be true of a newspaper where a multitude of factors go into deciding what goes into any day's coverage.

The critical process of reviewing comedy undoubtedly should come under greater scrutiny. But, and I may be wrong here, there seems to have been a greater degree of 'student publication' bashing at this year's Fringe from comics as well. Much of it is doubtless justified when, as you say, a cast-iron headliner like Danny Bhoy or Glenn Wool receive an ill-informed one star review (though is it unknown for a top comic to turn up on the night, decide they don't like the audience and essentially take the money and run? Or begin coasting once they've had all the national reviewers in?). Anyway, I imagine there's very few comics out there who've turned down quoting a ridiculously hyperbolic five star review on their posters because they question the reviewer's experience and credentials.

Yours,
Jay Richardson

REASONS I'M READY TO GO HOME:

- Three Weeks misquoted (and therefore, I think, misunderstood) my show 3 times in about 30 words. Impressive. Who says you can't tell they're students?
- Some guys in a car yelled "F*** off you pr**k" at me for no real reason yesterday. They then yelled the same to a pensioner a little further up, and then the same to an empty bus-stop further still. Then a different car nearly ran me over when he turned without indicating, and apparently that was my fault. I'm sensing the locals have had enough of us now. Come on, chaps - back to Blighty.

Having said that...

REASONS I AM LOVING IT:

- I cannot think of a better way to spend £50 then the three shows I saw on Monday. The Faulty Towers Dining Experience was brilliant. I expected to hate it ('Impressionists? That's not real comedy...') but it was excellent. You arrive to be greeted by Manuel, Sybil and Basil, all looking for each other among the crowd of punters. Basil slowly seats you, getting more and more annoyed by the slowness of us (oh yes, they don't just get annoyed at the other cast members - they get annoyed at us). A pigeon craps on someone's head (I don't think that was planned, but it was perfectly executed. Well done, pigeon - I award you 5 stars). We sit, and there are only forks on our table, and only knives on the next table. Between us, we swap them round, then complain to Basil that we had to do it ourselves. "Oh aren't we self-sufficient," he sneers as he strides across the room to throw Manuel against a wall. Perfectly done, brilliantly mimicked, and it's truly liberating to have restaurant staff insult you horrendously, but expect and encourage it.
- Oh, then I took my girlfriend to see Jason Cook - lovely and moving and funny and all that.
- Finally we saw some music - Antonio Forcione and Adriano Adewale - Italian acoustic guitarist and Brazilian percussionist. Just amazing. Go see, and go hear.
- Oh, and that day (Monday - my girlfriend's birthday), was rounded off with a fine meal with good friends. Where else could you see three excellent shows, do a show of your own (also excellent, of course), have a lovely meal in good company and with the backdrop of castles and mountains and the sea, and still have time at the end of it all to go and get ratted? Nowhere, that's where.
- The other reason I'm loving Edinburgh is that I'm loving my show. I'm happier with this than with any other I've done, and I genuinely get a little bit excited just before the last 10 minutes of it, because I enjoy doing the end of the show so much. So thank you Edinburgh for giving me the opportunity and excuse to write this show. But Edinburgh can you send some more proper reviewers rather than someone who can't spell the brief two-dozen words they have written?

Oh Edinburgh, you are a fickle mistress, but how I do love thee...

Dear Blogsters
Forgive me for I have not blogged. It has been nine days since the last bloggings, and there is much to tell. No I’m not dead, or living in a cave or anything that should prevent me from blogging. The truth is that there has been no blog for two main reasons:
Reason 1. After finally getting my laptop back and all in working condition, the wireless dongle I have (yes dongle is a funny word. I giggle every time) doesn’t get reception in our flat. I think the main reason for this is because it is a 3 dongle and 3 are massively shit. Its only meant to do one thing and it cant do it. What a useless dongle. Yes I could bypass this by using much of the free wi-fi dotted around the venues, but after the previous damage to the laptop I am too scared to carry it around. So it must remain on my desk. I’m not sure what I will do when I have to leave Edinburgh. It could get tricky.

Reason 2. I’ve been super busy. Yes many other blogsters are also super busy in Edinburgh, but the business combined with lack of wi-fi means blogs don’t happen. And I have been proper busy too. By the end of this festival I will have done 76 gigs. Its not as many as Paul Foot’s attempted 100 (go Paul go!) or as many as Phil Nichol has probably done every year, but its lots for me.

Happily they are all going fairly well, and most importantly, it is week three and I have my voice, my sanity and I’m not dead. Quick run down of the last week:

- Its still raining. Still bloody raining.

- Comedy 4 Kids is the most fun ever. Best quote this year from a 9 year old boy after being asked if he cares about global warming – ‘No I don’t. I’m going to get an army of cows and make them all fart.’ That’s our future people.

- Silent Disco is the best thing ever. Although having headphones on too loud means that for two days after you cant hear properly and your throat is sore as you have no idea how badly or loudly you are singing.

- Shows what I have seen and are all damn good: 66a Church Road (another damn good Kitson show. Damn him and his clever face), Ginger and Black (they rock the kasbar), Freeze (the Tim and Tom dance is just brilliant), Roy Walker (legend), Jimeoen (best mime gag ever). More shows to see soon!

- Certain critics in Edinburgh are angry that we do a sketch about crap mime. Angry enough to only write about those sketches through the whole review. Even though we don’t insult mime, just people doing it badly. And at the end of the show the mimes win. Certain critics don’t seem to watch the whole show.

- Audiences love the sketches about crap mime. Eat that certain critics.

- Old ladies do not like our sketch show. They especially do not like offensive lines about sex with dead people.

- People should not eat McDonalds meals in the front row of a show.

- Comedians are better at pool than the E4 podcast people. Much better.

- There is a small cupboard in our flat 7 foot above the toilet and sometimes it opens itself. No one likes using that toilet. Its scary, and someone clearly lives inside that cupboard. Someone who is small but can do jump high. There is also a light that turns itself on and off. Conclusion: Our flat must be built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Or a Scottish one, which is more likely.

- If you do not sleep and drink lots you lose your voice. If you sleep and do not drink your voice is fine. Conclusion: It’s the fringe. You have to drink lots, not sleep but use your voice. Hmmmm.

- Tim Minchin stole my crepe.

- Carey Marx thinks crepes should not have mushrooms in. He is wrong.

- The crepe place is the place to hang out. Watch out for Minchin though.

- Sam has the bizarre ability to make 3 drunk if.comeddie judges mime fellating a tramp.

- Mexican wrestling is apparently very cool.

- Lauren likes to eat all the ice-cream.

- I’ve won diabetic top trumps twice.

- I’m already thinking about next Edinburgh, which is wrong.

- I still haven’t seen the Dark Knight. I know. I know.

I’m sure more stuff has happened, but ultimately we are selling well for T&C and the stand-up shows a lot of fun. My i-pod gag was the first comedians gag to be bluetoothed from the Udderbelly today which is ace, and I did the E4 podcast last week and there’s a pic on the website so download from here:

www.e4.com/edinburgh Stephen Grant, Ivan Brackenbury and Tom Deacon are all on it too and they are all ace and very very funny.

Well done to Sarah and Pippa who got nominated! Both much deserved! And well done to Russell and Rhod too, nice work chaps and good luck for Sat!

Right, will attempt to blog again soon, but depends on my dongle. Tee hee.
Only 14 shows to go!!

the one I took over from whoever was originally supposed to do it, has turned into a story largely about rental issues I had with a couple of elderly, Jewish landlords in Los Angeles. (I was not the best tenant they ever had.)

Yesterday, with the show about to start and a reviewer in the house, a Chassidic rabbi appeared, standing with Zen-like stillness in the doorway, sent (he pretty much said) by God.

I knew his presence would not help my show but I let him in. (If I can dish it out, I gotta be able to take it.)

told me I looked gaunt and it made me happy.

But gaunt's not good, is it?

A tribute to our Edinburgh staircase.

We've spoken to a few people whose internet access up here doesn't let them watch YouTube clips. Boy, ours must be Earth's more boring video diary to you.

Just an ad-hoc blog entry from me after the previous set of marathon submissions, to say that after my piece on reviewers (which I’m sweating on slightly – and I’ll explain why in a few days, as the reason for this delay will become apparent) I have had the first of those reviews I mentioned, in The Stage; and it is here.

Even though The Stage doesn’t have a star rating, they have a ‘must-see show’ stamp, their highest recommendation, which they rarely to give to comedies. And hooray, I got one. That faint ‘whispy’ noise is me punching the air, albeit feebly. No Fest review out yet though and their website appears to be down. Which is still an improvement over ‘The National Student’, whose fringe review website doesn’t actually appear to be up, and apparently hasn’t been all festival. Meaning their reviews so far this year aren’t actually being published – in either printed or online form. I actually feel sorry for the reviewers.

Favourite review of the day though, goes to Jay Richardson’s review of Sarah Millican, which actually gives a quotable review of her boyfriend. If you check here, you can read about “the unremittingly vicious comic Gary Delaney, master of the one-liner”. Actually, that’s his bit in total; but such is the influence of Edinburgh you can be reviewed without actually having a show, or even being here.

As this is pretty much a non-diary blog, I thought I’d thrown in some random pics that I hadn’t posted yet:


John Ryan hugging Janey Godley. It’s hard to tell, but who means this the least?


Carl Donnelly and John Robbins – still best of friends just over halfway through the run of their double-headed show.

Bus came.

Driver said, sorry mate, you can't bring your coffee onto the bus.

Well, having just spent £1.60, I indicated he could move on.

It was a relatively long walk to my destination but, luckily, I'd been drinking coffee, so it was an easy one.

Somehow, I find myself in a place where it's more or less acceptable to drunkenly vomit in the street but you can't take a coffee, with a lid on it, onto the bus.

So! I'm back from good old Edinburgh and I have to say it was much fun indeed. As I mentioned in a previous bloggy, I wouldn't be gigging this time round - But that all changed on my arrival cause Caroline asked me to compere her show GCSE revision class, starring Caroline Mabey, Miriam Elia and Sean Walsh. The show's nothing to do with GCSE revision class, tiz but a ploy to pull in the audience but I still played the old school favourite "Nervous" with one lucky audience member. Very good fun this show - would recommend - on at the White Horse on the Royal Mile.

Katie and I did our best not to drink loads so that we'd last for an evening of craziness but it was tough. Later on, in Brookes bar (which is a bar in The Pleasance Dome which looks like a youth club) we saw the legend Jim Bowen. I instantly texted my parents and they replied simply with "Super Smashing Great" followed closely by a text saying "That was one of his sayings". Ah they're sweet.

Sometimes in Brookes bar you get major RADA's, and this particular night was no different. There stood a group of fresh faced Americans and they started beat boxing and singing loudly in the BAR. I cringed severely. When I looked at Jim Bowen he was rubbing his forehead as if he had a migraine or something. I took this as my cue for us to bond. "Hi Jim, aren't they vile!" he agreed and said "Ya know they all wanna just be stars" and we laughed knowingly together like celebrity friends do.

Later on we went to the Gilded Balloon with Caroline to watch a late night show in the downstairs nightclub (where the days of Phat Cave were). On the bill was Andrew Maxwell, Caroline as Helen Heels, Paul Foot and these singy people. Andrew Maxwell was exceptionally good dealing with some scary Norther Irish hecklers. We could barely understand the argument - but it was one that bordered on uncomfortable. Ultimately though Andrew slammed them and won. The singers were great, just can't remember them. The only problem with this show is it went on too long - and by the time Paul Foot came on we'd all sat there without a break for about 1hour 15 mins. I was DRUNK.

After the show finished we decided to call it a night - which I found a bit strange cause it was only 2:30am and that's pretty early. Oh well - meant that we got up at about 11am the next day and thus didn't waste the short time we had there.

We spent most of Friday at the Pleasance, cause most of the shows we would see were on there. Plus beer was there too. First show we saw were Adams and Rea which was ace, they are both extremely funny AND musical. Go see. Then we saw Pappy's Fun Club, which again was excellent. I did prefer last year's show cause of the audience participation but this show "Funergy" was still to an exceptionally high standard. This is the third year I've seen Pappy's at Edinburgh and each time I have a great laugh. Lovely lads.

And then I saw MIKE. Mike from Hollyoaks. AGAIN! Like last year! There he was, at the pleasance wondering about like he wasn't even famous. Like he wasn't even a DILF. My insides went all wrong when I saw him.... Mmmmm Mike.

Katie and I bumped then into my friend Gareth Kane who's in an improv group and whom I met a few years ago. So we sat with him and his mate (Dan) for a few hours drinking and being silly. Then it was time for "The Clock Hour" starring Michael Legge and team Margaret Caborn Smith (who's excellent) and a load others (from real Daniel o Donnell show) My friend Muki is producing this so it was fun to see her too. This show is mental. Mental fun that is. I laughed and laughed. Seriously, go see. On at the below at the Pleasance 11pm.

After this we headed to Gilded Balloon and Loft bar which is just as pretentious as it always was. Great days. Bed time now I think.

Saturday we went to Miriam Elia's birthday lunch a nice little seafood restaurant off the Royal Mile. Many were there who I hadn't met before and I sat next to Thom Tuck and Pat Burtscher who were excellent company. Fishy was nicey too. Saw Lou Sanders who was on excellent form also.

On the Royal Mile we bumped into Chris Martin and Benny Boot who were doing a show on the free fringe. He was on my list to see so off we went. Mark Talbot was MCing and I have to say he was AMAZING. So so funny - so so random. Loved him, loved him (but he didn't love me back) Also on the bill was Gareth Richards who I'd never seen before and was GREAT. He reminded me of one of Marc Wootton's characters in the way he spoke. Joey Page was also on as well - again I'd never seen him and have booked him for Catface Comedy in December.

Randomly we decided to PAY to go to a show called 10 years from now starring Andrew Bird. This man I've never seen and what a likable chap! Its a good show - nice and stable and consistent. Funny - again at the Pleasance.

After this we decided to go to a Butlins style bar so headed to Brookes. We nearly didn't get in cause you need a PASS. Luckily I emanate success from every pore so I strode right in. I said Katie was my PA. Not really. Anyway, we drank some wine and then I saw many I knew. Corry Shaw was there and Michael Fabbri (her beau) had seen me MC at the GCSE revision Class show and he said I was filthy. Excellent.

After this there was a FIGHT. Twix an act and a reviewer. Basically it consisted of the professional artiste' screaming "I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!" and the reviewer/critic did quiet talking trying to simmer the situation down. Then the artiste' pushed the crtic over on a sofa and the critic did kicking the artiste' with his legs. Sorry but it was funny.

Katie wanted to go back to the B&B at this point so I sat around chatting to Muki, Michael Legge (who is just lovely), Johnny Candon and Robin Ince (no less). It was a pleasant close to a cool Edinburgh.

Taking Catface Comedy up there next year.

Sorry this blog reads weird - just wanted to cover everything.

Giving the Socks a break for a moment, time for reflection and reviews. First the reflection: we're having a brilliant time and feel really sorry for those performers who aren't. I've read a handful of blogs and spoken to a good half dozen comedian friends all of whom are longing for the Fringe to end, feeling rundown, exhausted etc, even though they've mostly been getting good reviews and good audiences. From our point of view we want t to carry on forever. I don't know about you, but back home I can't play to a full house every night, doing our full one hour show, and I'm going to miss that. So far we only have four bookings to do the whole hour again between now and Christmas, which is awful. And next year's tour is, well, next year. So I'm loving this while it lasts, and sighing at the thought there are only 7 more shows to go.

Now, reviews. Refraining from star ratings (which I gave once this month, till Heather suggested I was pissing people off by doing that and she was right), I can say, of the very very few shows I've seen:

7 Sins with James Judd - a very good and tragically under-noticed show. Probably getting overlooked because of its awful title which doesn't represent the show at all. Exuberant and engaging, with more words per minute than any other show I've seen.

Jarlath Regan Relax The Cax - lovely, charming, funny and, to use a Scots word for which there's no English equivalent, coothy.

Liam Mullone in A Dead Man's Hat - some very good stories, well told and nicely strung together. Liam is steering away from a stand up style into more storyteller mode, which is pleasant and endearingly vulnerable.

Ha Ha Hamlet - Very silly end of the pier comedy, which I really enjoyed. There's a lot to criticise, some gags being corny, some being dated, but with the energy and performance skills, especially of the central performer, this is as good as panto-that's-trying-to-be-better-than-panto gets.

And of the shows I'd already seen, my two recommendations remain Beth Black in Beth Becomes Her and Dan March in My Myspace Baby.

However, at last I have something to really rave about, because this week Heather is up in town, so today we started doing art. And we saw the best show in town. It is:

JANET CARDI