So! Its a saturday night and I've just got home (sober) and I feel like writing tons of stuff. The thing is, my mum and dad read this blog so I can't talk about rudey feelings - which is what I fancy talking about. Not like my pal Caroline who says it like it is (dawg). (www.dayinpictures.co.uk) Like she openly announced she "got some" the other day and I was so in awe of her. My blog's so tame in comparison. Shall I? Shan't I? Shall I be honest for once readers? Answers on a comment below.

In other news - I am slightly annoyed. Here's how it is. You know when you feel like you're being mugged off? Like when you know something - but others don't realise you know so are all secret squirrel around you but the thing is you DO know but you don't give a FUCKING SHIT and you really think GOOD LUCK TO YOU. You know when you feel like that? Well that's how I feel today. And now I seem secret squirrel. But I cannot divulge. Its just... I. DO. KNOW. So kiss my fat arse.

And it is fat. But I kinda like it. Specially at present cause my friend did air brush tanning on it t'other day and it was ace. We erected a large tent in my kitchen and it took up the whole room and I was naked! And it was COLD. But then I was a berry made of brown. I always find a tan makes one look less fat. We couldn't get the tent back down after sprayage and we ended up using string. I crunched it down in me' mate's car boot and then shouted "GO GO GO!" indicating for her to shut it fast or it'd ping back up. This took three tries. I became aware that it may have looked to innocent passers by as though we were disposing of a dead body.

So I got a friend request today on Facebook from this guy I went on a date with about four years ago. I accepted against my better judgement. I'd met him the sunday before in "Walkabout" in Bromley and me and my mate were mashed. I remember there were lads and there was one there alot inches from my face. Then it appeared we were snogging. Then it was the next day and my phone had a new number in it. Now dear reader I cannot remember what he looked like but we had arranged a date and I was going.

When I got to the pub for the date, he texted to say he would be ten minutes late. I sat down with a glass of red wine waiting with anticipation hoping that he wasn't going to be rough. A man entered the pub and looked around in a quixotic fashion. He had a carrier bag (I thought this weird but quirky). I raised my eyebrows as if to convey "is it you?" He raised his eyebrows back which to me confirmed this. He ambled over and we shook hands, I noticed his finger nails were dirty. I gestured for him to sit down and would he like a drink (?) to which he obliged. At this point a member of bar staff came over and went "Nigel, now you know you're not supposed to be in here... off you go." And then looked at me and went "Tch! Sorry about that, he's the local tramp and often comes in here. "

I felt great, as you can imagine.

Hmmmm... So I'm looking out over the Londinium skyline and wondering what to do. I had a good pal come over today My mate sam. S'funny, cause we fell out for a year or so but we had such a lovely friendship that we've just found our way back again. Back in November I was meant to see her, but I was busy thinking that I was going to get dumped by my boyfriend, so cancelled. But today, seeing her daughter again was lovely. I used to babysit her when she was three, and she's eight now and really cool. She also has a little babba and he is soooo lovely. I picked him up and felt so comfortable. (Not that comfortable) but there was a time when I wouldn't touch a child ever for fear of breaking them.

It all stems back to the time when I dropped my cousin Ryan when he was a baby. I was ten and he was sick on my sock. The warmth from the puke freaked me out so I threw him on the floor. I remember covering my face and chanting over and over "I dropped him, I dropped him" In my head though, I was on the soap opera "Neighbours" and my being dramatic was endearing, I didn't really care. Often as a child I had an invisible audience. Ever since then I've had issues with holding babbas. Also their heads are so squishy. Too squishy in fact.

Anyway - a rambly blog which I've enjoyed writing.

BYE.

Very interesting gig last night. I was compering in Hammersmith at the Metro for a new act night (which was really a mix of new acts and old acts doing some new stuff).

When I arrived I saw Steve Bennett (a reviewer from Chortle) so immediately tried to work out who he was there to see. My questions such as "Why are you here then Steve?" didn't seem to work cause he simply answered "to see some Comedy Leanne". I was like "God don't you ever get bored?" to which he replied "No, do you?" To which I replied "Yes all the time." Still I was no closer to working out who he could be reviewing.

Anyway, the night was a free night of comedy - I'd forgotten what this usually means. Soon I would be reminded. The ratio of men to women was exceptionally high so this was pleasing for a single gal like me. As the gig got underway lots of pissed people came wondering in but refused to sit down, instead preferring to stagger around at the back heckling (poorly) under their breath. Unfortunately they'd missed my explanation of the premise of the evening (new act night) and also that if they wanted to heckle they could heckle just me.

I felt that going back up and re-reminding the audience of this, may seem patronising to the acts - highlighting that some of their stand-up may not have been as well received as it might of. To be fair the audience (pretty much all of them) were MASHED. In the end I had to speak with the bar staff to say I may need to remove some of them and luckily he obliged in supporting me and I was to just give him the nod. One of the mashed men asked me if they could come back and do a spot another night which would involve him getting his cock out. Well! You can imagine what I said to that. Yes of course! How amusing...*sigh*

Despite being really drunk most of the audience were quite obediant and receptive when I was on stage and the bar man said it was because I have teacherish tones, and Steve Bennett said that I might remind them of their mothers. Ha!

Later on when the last act was on stage, some hecklers at the back took offense to his political material and started saying things like "Get off" etc... It really was all a bit mental. One of those nights. Still, I have to say I quite enjoyed myself. My attitude to them could have gone either way but somehow the no-nonsense approach worked, and I seemed to be liked. My favourite part was when about 10 lads were all chanting "Strip, strip, strip." I felt truly loved at this point dear reader.

One audience member in particular seemed to like me quite a bit - and he gave me his card. I think he might have loved me. Back of the net.

Such a strange dynamic in a room like that. My friend Louisa said she felt really initimdated by the crowd and especially felt for the very new acts cause you didn't know if they crowd were going to slate them. Sometimes they did, and other times they were so very nice. This very very new act who was only 19 was extremely nervous (and I don't blame him - pit and Lion springs to mind) forgot his train of thought and it was very uncomfortable to witness as the pause went on for a while - but the audience started clapping and cheering and shouting words of encouragement. It was actually quite lovely to see. I wonder if any of the audience will remember the night though... I very much doubt it.

So I read in the paper today a really weird story where a woman has been presented a £75 fine cause her daughter dropped a bit of her sausage roll (litter lout).... by the time the fine had been presented however, a sea gull had come down and flown off with the offending pastry but the fine was still given. What? What the?

So glad its friday although my weekend is unbelievably busy but should be a lovely one. Tomorrow I have a really old girlfriend coming over with her kids and sunday another couple of pals coming for sunday lunch. Lamb is the plan. My very very favourite.

I hope your weekend is of a high standard.

So my sister is married and I am officially the last of the Diggins girls to get hitched. (There are only two of us but still...) The wedding was a small affair with no handsome best men to make a fool of myself in front of so that was a bummer although I did do crying in the registry office! (Unusual for me as I am made entirely of stone....)

I got an email last week from someone on the dating site I'm still signed up to. He seemed interesting as his user name is "Crazy Eyes". I've decided to live dangerously and have agreed to go on a date with him. He's taking me to see some Live Music. I thought that'd be a good idea cause then if his eyes become too crazy I can avert mine and concentrate on the band.

I'm thinking of trying out that "my single best friend" site. Which I believe Sarah Beeney founded. I think this to be a good idea cause look at Sarah, she's always preggers ain't she. One of my mates told me a funny story about this site which intertwined with a funny about Facebook.

This girl (we'll call her Clara) went on a date with someone from my Single Friend website and it went extra well. Then followed a second date which was also exceedingly fantastic. Meanwhile Clara was doing some basic house-keeping on her facebook page and decided to delete her relationship status so that no-one would know if she was single, in a relationship etc etc. On the news feed this shows up as "Clara is no longer listed as single." The guy she'd been seeing was due to call her that day and so far hadn't. When she checked everyone's status updates she saw that he had written "'Pete' is PRESSURE!" She texted him the next day and said "Hey how ya doing?" To which he didn't reply and never did ever again. All because he thought she'd deleted her relationship status and directed it at him. What. A. COCK. Get over yourself!

Talking of singles, I am outraged at the girl they use in the London Lite to represent single young ladies of London. She does a weekly article about her latest shenannigans in "London Tahn". Not sure if the picture accompanying the article is the actual girl, but whoever she is, she looks like a gigantic hoe. With a "barely-there" slip dress and a stupid half smile which says nothing more than "Do me" I think this is most uncool. She is slightly better looking than the girl who used to do the single girl article, for she had a massive chin. Still, looks like she's got a boyf now so who am I to judge?

So I've got a gig on thursday compering in Hammersmith which I am sure will be much fun. I have some new stuff to try out whilst making sure the audience are in JOLLY mode. Its a new act night I'm told so I'm also looking forward to seeing some fresh blood. And by that I mean handsome young men.

Time it goes so fast. Friday AGAIN. Today was photo shoot day and it was ok actually, the lighting I'm told masked my weathered eyes. Hope so. Just gotta wait to see it in print now. I had a look at "Look" magazine and it seems ok - nice and glossy and a steal at £1.40. At least the article isn't going to feature in "Love it" or "Pick me up".

Last night I went to a candle party. Now before you make any presumptions about the jolity of this night - it was actually rather good. Its just like Ann Summers parties but no vibrators and cackling women. (Talking of Ann Summers, how annoying was Jaqueline Gold on celebrity Apprentice... OMG. She's a right old cow ain't she. I sang at her wedding don't ya know... She's now divorced, I hope I didn't jinx it with my spinster vibes)

Anyway, this candle party is the sale of nice smelly candles and holders, and whilst there were slight cringe elements to the proceedings (like the names of the candles) it was much fun. I jollied the night along further by doing drinking of white wine. After much candle sniffing I started to feel sick and had to leave the room.....to drink more wine. I knew I'd had too much, when I walked back in the living room and exclaimed loudly to everyone, "POO! It STINKS in 'ere." I left soon after.

T'other night I went round to my pal Kate's house, she does my website and we updated it accordingly. See here for info www.catfacecomedy.com . Kate does make me laugh. She goes to me on friday "Do ya remember that MTV summer party where one of the boys went up and danced with a girl and he was right up close and when he came away he had a red patch of blood on him?" And I was like "Kate, that was in Superbad, you're confusing your life with a feature film." Ah she funny. Just like Bill Murray in Scrooged.

So, I've quite an action packed weekend planned. Tonight, a couple of drinks after work I expect, Tomorrow day I have a meeting with comedy types in town. Tomorrow evening my friend is having a gathering in Beckenham which I shall be attending, and sunday I shall be watching Hollyoaks and Come Dine with Me omnibus's. Soooo exciting!

Have a good one.

I had a nice weekend. I got my hair cut at my pal Cheryl's house. Her little boy is well sweet, he's really unpredictable and even when he's a bit naughty he's not annoying. He was quoting Musical Youth lyrics to me as well. Top marks in my book.

I'm being featured in LOOK magazine. Not, LookIN, "Look". Thats right. All about how I work full time at MTV yet enjoy doing comedy in my spare time. I have a photo shoot for this on thursday at MTV and they're doing my hair and makeup. I have visions of me looking all soft focus and feather boa'd up. Do you remember that? Someone would approach you in the street and say "Hey! Wanna free makeover?" (maybe just I got offered the makeover) and all you have to do is buy the photos for three million pounds. And they always look the same. Soft focus, feather boa or silk wrap, black and white, pearl necklace sometimes...depending on how professional they were.

I just had the weirdest email conversation with someone about doing some compering work for them. It wasn't his fault at all, cause you know when you read an email in angry stressy mode, thats what this guy did. It just kept getting more and more confusing and he thought I was in a big moody. Reading my email back now I can see that it could be construed as being a bit negative but you know when you meant absolutely NOWT at all? I was being all jolly in my mind. Honest I was. Oh well. Powerful stuff is words typed.

On saturday at my mum's, I was studying a Delia Smith cook book (not being funny but I am LOVING cooking at the moment) and I glanced up at the TV (and this just goes to show how powerful the human mind is) I saw a very brief image of a girl with her arms outstretched and wearing a white blindfold. Here is a link to said pic - can't post one for some reason:
">www.geocities.com/ditcin4/watcherinthewoods1.jpg"> Now this haunting image must have stuck in my sub-conscious for about 20 years or so cause when I saw it Saturday I thought immediately "Watcher in the Woods"! I even forgot I knew the film. How powerful the human (my) mind is! Scary film! Recommend.

It snowed yesterday in greenwich. I phoned my mum to see if my cat Timmy was having a nice time in the snow and she informed me that it came up to his armpits. Lucky Timmy.

Going to Real Daniel O Donnel show on Wednesday cause one of the girls in my team are going off on Maternity Leave. Only problem is, I have decided to abstain from the devil's urine for the next couple of weeks cause I've got myself into all kinds of messes the last couple of weeks which I REGRET whole heartedly. I know giving up alcohol for periods of time is not a big deal for many people, and it shouldn't be for me. But when I go to a PUB, I expect to have a drink and one with a percentage value (usually 5% plus) none of this soda water crap.

Sigh.

Right gotta go.