Aftermath

Spent some of Sunday taking the venues down then made our way to the farewell party. It was a little drab to be honest. The usual suspects and a few others with a barbecue. The barbecue was great as always, in fcat it was more than the usual greatness. But there didn’t seem to be any sense of occasion. A shame considering how Lucy and Manera really dolled up for the occasion. Loads of people went home that day too.

I was going to leave on the Monday but Coppin convinced me to stay another day so that way we could share the driving home. I’m glad I did as I was shattered and would have taken ages to get back home, due to taking breaks and sleeping. I got myself a large Chinese, three bottles of red wine and watched some DVDs and surfed the net.

I’m glad I left the next day because we were able to give Willis a lift back to Newcastle and we had a brilliant laugh in the car having a good old bitch and gossip.

Finally got home at 12.30am and was relieved about that.

Well it was an odd Edinburgh to say the least. Here’s my thoughts,

Welcome to the Edinburgh of 2007.
If I can offer you one piece of advice that would be, Put down the battered haggis.
The long-term benefits of using battered haggis lead to fighting, drinking, cross dressing and tall tales about it’s the only thing that keeps you going all day and soaking up the booze.
I have only done the Edinburgh festival in full 3 times, but these are the things I have learned. You may take my advice or tell me where to stick it. My advice is no more reliable than any hardened Fringe stalwart so take it as you will.

No matter how well you know someone don’t be surprised when they fuck you over.
Reviewers in their desperate attempt to make a point usually miss the point.
There’s always someone worse off than you.
Helping others is fine, but don’t let that get in the way of why you are there.
Networking doesn’t necessarily mean shoving your head up someone’s arse.
Don’t be surprised to find yourself sympathising with a nemesis when they’re down.
You’re on holiday, have a good time when you can.
You’re there to work too, so having too much of a good time can be destructive.
Don’t be afraid to say, “sorry, I can’t remember who you are.”
Standing out on the Royal Mile all day makes your hair start to turn ginger.
Quad Biking is a great way to escape from your Edinburgh show.
When you get a chance, go out and dance and have fun.
See some shows and learn from the experts.
See friends shows, it’s good to support each other.
There’s not just a festival on, it’s a great city, explore it.
There’s more to life than comedy, check out a play or go to an art gallery.
When you start to see daylight, think about going to bed, you have a show to do.
You must try the most unhealthiest thing you can find once.
Don’t forget to eat some pasta and do some home cooking.
Drugs make temporary friends, till the drugs run out.
Invite at least one non-comedy friend to stay with, they put perspective on life.
Read the news in The Scotsman, not just the reviews.
Keep Piemaker in business, they are being swamped by Greggs and Subway.
Try and hug another comic in the nude whilst you are naked.
Don’t be disappointed if you’re not nominated for an iffie.
There are hundreds of other candidates, they only give out two.
Don’t be jealous of acts that are more famous than you.
You’d be surprised how many people would love to do an Edinburgh show.
Remember you’ll look back on these days with rose tinted specs.
You’ll also be a much better act when you’re back on the road again.
You'll so much out of Edinburgh that you will never realise.
But trust me on the battered haggis.

Had a massive moan about my show and told Manera and Lucy that I was going to do the show without the songs and props and just do an hour of stand up. I was that fed up. Manera pointed out that he wanted to see the sow and wanted to see the proper version. He then said he’d manage the door for me.

I am now going to wax lyrically about Manera more than I normally do. He made sure late comers didn’t interrupt punch lines and told women going to the toilet to be quiet and stopped anyone coming in after 20 minutes as It was pretty full and was one of the best shows I’d done. I could relax and do the show as it was intended. It went really well. People kept talking to me after, the collection was generous and it was a great way to finish the show.

Had a few beers with Greame Casey then Eric walked in and we all gassed till I got a cab to Lindsays. It was a good send off. We were rammed, all the acts did well. I wasn’t supposed to go on, but Manera insisted. I was a bit pissed and so was Ismo who was amazing. Andy White destroyed the first section and Andrew Roper closed brilliantly.

It was rammed. We must have turned away 40 people. Got loads of stroppy people complaining about not getting in, but they were FUCKING LATE! So had to man the door constantly. It was a fitting way to end the shows.

After show we drank till very late and James Sherwood brilliantly played the piano as we all sat around singing songs. This is what I love about Edinburgh and the last time I was in a similar situation James Sherwood was there as well. Good man. He really knows how to orgamise a knees up. At one point I got my blonde wig out and camped it up by singing Lola and Wuthering Heights. I think a few were a little shocked at my behaviour. I got a cab back but the gang went to the library bar. Bloody Exhausted.

The show went well, but I’m starting to lose the will to live with the interruptions. They’ve not got worse, but I’m seriously starting to resent the interruptions. A group arrived late and picked up a folded chairs and scraped them across the floor. I stopped in the middle of my show to point out that there were loads of spare seats on the other side of the room. This is getting more and more stupid and I'm getting more tetchy.

Contacted Phil Nicol to say I wanted to get my cock out in his show. I needed another break and to have a laugh. Got Okse to MC the late gig and made my way to the Pleasance Grand and watched from the sides. Ironically I sat there amazingly adoringly at how brilliant Phil is and what and amazing show the Naked Racist is. I also envied the fact that he didn’t have to put up with any shit, when he got nastily heckled and they had to call security who weren’t in the building to remove her.

Phil pointed out something very valid to this woman. Can’t you just sit down for an hour and watch a show? I was distraught. Some guy I didn’t know asked me if I was OK. I was clearly shocked at this. The show was brilliant. I’d seen it twice before and was loving it. Phil managed to pull it back so the audience was 110% behind him. As Jerry Seinfeld says in Comedian, “How big do you have to be?”.

There were about 50 of us naked on stage naked and it was brilliant fun. I’ve been naked in front of 700 people. I recognised people in the audience and they didn’t look me in the eye. No their eyes were somewhere else.

We were all supposed to go to the Underbely to do it again. Bumped into the Teaurn Doobie and a few others and was a bit pissed so went home by accident. Grabbed a kebab on the way home.

God sometimes doing this show is a pain in the arse. I’m sick of people walking in and out with food or going to the toilet. I’m now seriously starting to get pissed off with this. I can’t do my show properly. When it works I know it’s a great show, but every time that fucking door moves it put me on edge. I’m not doing this venue again next year. Starting to wonder why I even bother wasting all that money on the brochure entry. Even the 4 times I’ve more or less filled the venue I ask at the start who saw me because of the brochure and only a few people have said yes and they could still mean the Free Festival brochure.

Getting really grumpy. Missing normality and doing one a gig a day.

That’s why I’m glad Manera and I pulled the show at Lindsays. To be honest it could have gone ahead, but it was 15 minutes after the show should have started and out minimum 25 audience members weren’t there. It always gets at least 40, but to be hinest we couldn’t be arsed to deal with late comers…

AND WENT TO WE ARE KLANG. DICK PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I’m going to say about them is this.

BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT

Then we went to the So You Think You’re Funny party and drank and boogied till dawn. I really needed a day like this. Certainly gonna party, see more shows and have more fun next year.

Also not going to bring a guitar and props around with me either. Straight stand up.

Just had a fab two days. Woke up feeling rough on Thurs, but to be honest that’s how I’m always feeling even when I get a lot of sleep.

Didn’t have time to flyer or have breakfast because I needed to meet up with the Big Night Out boys and go quad biking. It’s the annual Edinburgh Big Night Thing. And do you know what? It’s brilliant to hang around with people that have just turned up to have a bit of fun in Edinburgh for a few days. We were constantly cracking jokes and taking the piss on the way to Quad Biking which was quite a way out so it was brilliant to catch a bit of countryside.

The weather was brilliant and the bikes were fairly easy to use. You had to really lean over when you took a corner which was really scary at first. Of course, 7 guys on Quad Bikes and no one was going to admit that. Although Coppin was riding around like he was Ghost Rider.

Lucero arrived with velvet trousers, which probably isn’t the best thing. He got the nick name of Driving Miss Daisy. Although the award for biggest fuck up went to me for crashing into a tree, going straight into a bush of thorns rather than take a corner AND getting half the team lost. Muchos piss taking and laughing was had by all. At the end the instructor handed me the bottle of champagne. Good honest macho fun. Jeremy pointed out that when you’re on a Quad bike you can’t think ablut your Edinburgh show. And that’s just what the Doctor ordered.

We then went and had a pub lunch and I’d drank 4 pints of Stella then ran home to get my stuff for my show. I got chatting to Manera and arrived quite late and bit drunk. I suppose it had to happen once. I sat down to tune my guitar and 4 people walked out. I was left with 12 people including Lindsay and I have to say what a wonderful crowd. I was confident with the show to just do it and not mind when they didn’t laugh too loud in places. Then just towards the end I pulled a few bit out from my club set then ended with my final piece. The collection was good so I could tell they enjoyed it.

Went home and slept for a bit then made my way to Lindsay’s. I have to say it was one of the most enjoyable nights there. The audience was well up for it, I spent my opening MCing bit winding the crowd up and they kept interrupting, including Pam Ford. I deserved it because I said my hair was looking a bit shit and she shouted out, “Oi!” I explained to the crowd that she cut my hair. Typical, I’m just getting to the end of the festival and I’m getting in my stride.

It was an awesome night, wonderfully finished with Manera reconstructing the Spanish Civil War with the audience, a straw and an egg whisk. It was pure pandemonium.

We got a cab to th Pleasance Dome where we caught the Gonzo Dog Do Bar Band. Hooray! My favourites were back for one night only. They were brilliant. They’d got some extra people and were really tight. I got to go on at the start and play the keys. I say with Mark Banana at the front and Kiki was there, who is always in Edinburgh, always goes to the Gonzos, was in an episode of The Office where she snogs Gareth in the night-club and she’s damn sexy to boot. So we got up and shook our funky stuff. Had a boogie with Diggins when Jollity Farm came up. I stayed around and had a chat with some of the guys then eventually tried to leave, but I bumped into John Mawer and Kirsty. So we had a drink in Brooks bar, where I ended up chatting with the band and loads of people that know me, but I had no idea who they were. This has been happening a lot in this festival. Either I’m a lot more famous than I realise or I’m self-obsessed. He says writing a public diary. You choose.

Finally got home at 5am.

PBH was at the Bonzos. It was nice to see him and I must admit, I miss him. He did walking like and Egyptian and did the letter from the mother in sport.