Had a massive moan about my show and told Manera and Lucy that I was going to do the show without the songs and props and just do an hour of stand up. I was that fed up. Manera pointed out that he wanted to see the sow and wanted to see the proper version. He then said he’d manage the door for me.

I am now going to wax lyrically about Manera more than I normally do. He made sure late comers didn’t interrupt punch lines and told women going to the toilet to be quiet and stopped anyone coming in after 20 minutes as It was pretty full and was one of the best shows I’d done. I could relax and do the show as it was intended. It went really well. People kept talking to me after, the collection was generous and it was a great way to finish the show.

Had a few beers with Greame Casey then Eric walked in and we all gassed till I got a cab to Lindsays. It was a good send off. We were rammed, all the acts did well. I wasn’t supposed to go on, but Manera insisted. I was a bit pissed and so was Ismo who was amazing. Andy White destroyed the first section and Andrew Roper closed brilliantly.

It was rammed. We must have turned away 40 people. Got loads of stroppy people complaining about not getting in, but they were FUCKING LATE! So had to man the door constantly. It was a fitting way to end the shows.

After show we drank till very late and James Sherwood brilliantly played the piano as we all sat around singing songs. This is what I love about Edinburgh and the last time I was in a similar situation James Sherwood was there as well. Good man. He really knows how to orgamise a knees up. At one point I got my blonde wig out and camped it up by singing Lola and Wuthering Heights. I think a few were a little shocked at my behaviour. I got a cab back but the gang went to the library bar. Bloody Exhausted.

The show went well, but I’m starting to lose the will to live with the interruptions. They’ve not got worse, but I’m seriously starting to resent the interruptions. A group arrived late and picked up a folded chairs and scraped them across the floor. I stopped in the middle of my show to point out that there were loads of spare seats on the other side of the room. This is getting more and more stupid and I'm getting more tetchy.

Contacted Phil Nicol to say I wanted to get my cock out in his show. I needed another break and to have a laugh. Got Okse to MC the late gig and made my way to the Pleasance Grand and watched from the sides. Ironically I sat there amazingly adoringly at how brilliant Phil is and what and amazing show the Naked Racist is. I also envied the fact that he didn’t have to put up with any shit, when he got nastily heckled and they had to call security who weren’t in the building to remove her.

Phil pointed out something very valid to this woman. Can’t you just sit down for an hour and watch a show? I was distraught. Some guy I didn’t know asked me if I was OK. I was clearly shocked at this. The show was brilliant. I’d seen it twice before and was loving it. Phil managed to pull it back so the audience was 110% behind him. As Jerry Seinfeld says in Comedian, “How big do you have to be?”.

There were about 50 of us naked on stage naked and it was brilliant fun. I’ve been naked in front of 700 people. I recognised people in the audience and they didn’t look me in the eye. No their eyes were somewhere else.

We were all supposed to go to the Underbely to do it again. Bumped into the Teaurn Doobie and a few others and was a bit pissed so went home by accident. Grabbed a kebab on the way home.

God sometimes doing this show is a pain in the arse. I’m sick of people walking in and out with food or going to the toilet. I’m now seriously starting to get pissed off with this. I can’t do my show properly. When it works I know it’s a great show, but every time that fucking door moves it put me on edge. I’m not doing this venue again next year. Starting to wonder why I even bother wasting all that money on the brochure entry. Even the 4 times I’ve more or less filled the venue I ask at the start who saw me because of the brochure and only a few people have said yes and they could still mean the Free Festival brochure.

Getting really grumpy. Missing normality and doing one a gig a day.

That’s why I’m glad Manera and I pulled the show at Lindsays. To be honest it could have gone ahead, but it was 15 minutes after the show should have started and out minimum 25 audience members weren’t there. It always gets at least 40, but to be hinest we couldn’t be arsed to deal with late comers…

AND WENT TO WE ARE KLANG. DICK PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I’m going to say about them is this.

BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT
BRILLIANT

Then we went to the So You Think You’re Funny party and drank and boogied till dawn. I really needed a day like this. Certainly gonna party, see more shows and have more fun next year.

Also not going to bring a guitar and props around with me either. Straight stand up.

Just had a fab two days. Woke up feeling rough on Thurs, but to be honest that’s how I’m always feeling even when I get a lot of sleep.

Didn’t have time to flyer or have breakfast because I needed to meet up with the Big Night Out boys and go quad biking. It’s the annual Edinburgh Big Night Thing. And do you know what? It’s brilliant to hang around with people that have just turned up to have a bit of fun in Edinburgh for a few days. We were constantly cracking jokes and taking the piss on the way to Quad Biking which was quite a way out so it was brilliant to catch a bit of countryside.

The weather was brilliant and the bikes were fairly easy to use. You had to really lean over when you took a corner which was really scary at first. Of course, 7 guys on Quad Bikes and no one was going to admit that. Although Coppin was riding around like he was Ghost Rider.

Lucero arrived with velvet trousers, which probably isn’t the best thing. He got the nick name of Driving Miss Daisy. Although the award for biggest fuck up went to me for crashing into a tree, going straight into a bush of thorns rather than take a corner AND getting half the team lost. Muchos piss taking and laughing was had by all. At the end the instructor handed me the bottle of champagne. Good honest macho fun. Jeremy pointed out that when you’re on a Quad bike you can’t think ablut your Edinburgh show. And that’s just what the Doctor ordered.

We then went and had a pub lunch and I’d drank 4 pints of Stella then ran home to get my stuff for my show. I got chatting to Manera and arrived quite late and bit drunk. I suppose it had to happen once. I sat down to tune my guitar and 4 people walked out. I was left with 12 people including Lindsay and I have to say what a wonderful crowd. I was confident with the show to just do it and not mind when they didn’t laugh too loud in places. Then just towards the end I pulled a few bit out from my club set then ended with my final piece. The collection was good so I could tell they enjoyed it.

Went home and slept for a bit then made my way to Lindsay’s. I have to say it was one of the most enjoyable nights there. The audience was well up for it, I spent my opening MCing bit winding the crowd up and they kept interrupting, including Pam Ford. I deserved it because I said my hair was looking a bit shit and she shouted out, “Oi!” I explained to the crowd that she cut my hair. Typical, I’m just getting to the end of the festival and I’m getting in my stride.

It was an awesome night, wonderfully finished with Manera reconstructing the Spanish Civil War with the audience, a straw and an egg whisk. It was pure pandemonium.

We got a cab to th Pleasance Dome where we caught the Gonzo Dog Do Bar Band. Hooray! My favourites were back for one night only. They were brilliant. They’d got some extra people and were really tight. I got to go on at the start and play the keys. I say with Mark Banana at the front and Kiki was there, who is always in Edinburgh, always goes to the Gonzos, was in an episode of The Office where she snogs Gareth in the night-club and she’s damn sexy to boot. So we got up and shook our funky stuff. Had a boogie with Diggins when Jollity Farm came up. I stayed around and had a chat with some of the guys then eventually tried to leave, but I bumped into John Mawer and Kirsty. So we had a drink in Brooks bar, where I ended up chatting with the band and loads of people that know me, but I had no idea who they were. This has been happening a lot in this festival. Either I’m a lot more famous than I realise or I’m self-obsessed. He says writing a public diary. You choose.

Finally got home at 5am.

PBH was at the Bonzos. It was nice to see him and I must admit, I miss him. He did walking like and Egyptian and did the letter from the mother in sport.

I only dragged myself out of bed until the very last minute today. God I’m fucking knackered. Really tired. I want to go home. I’ve had enough. I was like this last year. I’m starting to get irritated with everybody and everything. I had a shower and made my way to the Underbelly and the audience was great. A little quiet in places but up for it. Decided to do more of my club stuff and had a bit of a ball doing material I haven’t done in weeks.

Pippa Evans saw me on the Royal Mile and said that my hair was “interesting”. I had a look in a window and indeed it looked greasy and lank. I want to go home.

I bumped into the bundle of joy that was my audience member from hell and by member I do mean cock from last night. I asked her out of interest in she was offering me a free ticket to her show and she said that she had no control over the free tickets, but might be able to get me in half price. She then explained her behaviour last night as it was like being in the bar. I told her there was a bar downstairs for that kind of behaviour. I think she’s starting to understand through my gritted politeness that I’m slightly miffed with her pig ignorant behaviour.

The gig was shit to be honest. At least the great people sat in the front two rows. All I could gather from the rest of them was they were in a show, ran out of money and got a shit review. So like a gang of Dementors they sucked the life and hope out of the room. To show how much they hated the show I got £2.50 in my collection. This was from 17 people. I actually wished the audience member from hell was back. At least she laughed and had life and a smile about her manner. Cute too.

On the bright side I got a gig from Mirth Control and someone from the Leicester Mercury interviewed me over the phone, so it was nice to have something positive happening during the day.

Got to Lindsays and my laptop was freezing up and I couldn’t get onto the Internet, then the power supply stopped working. At least it isn’t raining.

Everyone was telling stories of big shows they’d seen with miserable audiences, shows cancelled, low numbers all across the board. At least I know the bastards aren’t out to get me.

I thought we were going to have to cancel the show upstairs, but we got a crowd in. I decided to treat the gig a lot more gentle and called it laid back Monday. It worked. Barbara Nice was in and really enjoyed the show and the style on compering. I think this is what all audiences needed. My hat goes off to James Christopher who opened wonderfully, Stuart Black who closed the first section perfectly. Nats Luurtsema, a fantastic new act that is going to be big, she did great opening the second section, Rob Debb was fantastic closing the second section and got the biggest laugh all night with his closing comment.

I ended the evening having a lovely long chat with Rob Debb and Mark Logan from Men With Bananas. Yes it’s the geek posse together. Got a cab back and the flat was empty. At 3.30am. Manera arrived and we sat up drinking wine and chatting till 5am.

Jesus I have the Underbelly to do at 1.40pm. God help me.

Didn’t bother to do any flyering today. Was still knackered from last night and the weather wasn’t great. So decided to have another night off especially as there tends to be crowds in anyway from the weekend. Kind of wish I had now as the show started with 9 and ended up with 14. During which the other 5 that weren’t there at the start and the food being brought out and the women going to the toilet all helped to ruin the show. Once this started the audience kept nipping to the toilet, going for drinks and one of them slipped out for a cigarette. If that was bad enough she locked herself out so someone else had to let her in. Then a man came upstairs and completely interrupted the show because he didn’t realise the men toilets were downstairs. The doors and the chairs creak. I had the most miserable woman sat right at the front in the middle. I kept having to stop and pulling the show back. All in all my worst one. A real shame especially after the last 5 or so have been getting better and better.

The worst offender who went to the toilet, arrived late, got a drink and locked herself out for the cigarette asked me if I wanted to go to her show. She didn’t offer me any free tickets and told me she couldn’t put anything in the bucket because she only had a twenty-pound note. She also didn’t have a flyer for her show. Part of me was wondering where the hidden camera was. She topped the cheery on the cake by asking me if I could get any weed. Think Her show is at C Soco around 9.20. Please gatecrash and heckle.

Had a drink and chat with Emma which was great. She assured me the show was great and I was judging it by the last load of shows. We had a good chat about future plans and had a general catch up which was ace.

Dragged my sorry ass and guitar back to the flat, made a pizza and lay on the bed. That was fantastic to say the least. Sophia and Tina came back and we all flopped for a few hours then Sophia and I went to the Mercat and I got to do an opening 20 there to a lovely crowd. Rob Debb went on after and we had a good chat after. It was good to catch up.

On the way home Sophia and I found a Dim Sum restaurant that was open till 3am and we ordered a load of starters and a bottle of wine. It was a lovely way to send her off as she’s off to Turkey the next day. Lucky cow.

I’m just going to have to do this when I can. I’m horribly busy. Too busy to even blog. So you’ll have to get entries all over the place in the wrong order.

Today I got up, had a chicken fahita dish made by Mister Manera and went out to flyer. After my pep talk by Duggie Dunlop yesterday, I tried my best to not look so dejected and knackered. I can understand the knackered bit, but not sure why the dejection. Must just be over knackered. My number have been good, slightly up on last year. The show’s now in the swing of things and I’m starting to adlib more which is what I wanted. It’s a better show than last year and it’s more like an Edinburgh show. I’ve had people coming back from last year. My lovely girlfriend Sophia is in town with her friend Tina. My friends Dave and Lucy are out for a night of watching shows and drinking. This is all good stuff. But boy is it all getting to me. I haven’t been chilling out enough.

Today I flyered for ages on the Royal Mile then popped down to the new Pear Shaped in the Afternoon at the White Horse with Rob Debb who’s also looking not his chirpy self, but confesses to have between half full and full rooms. He’s getting groups of gamers coming to his show and he’s been chatting a lot to the C-Files improv guy about conventions. It must just be the passing the halfway mark that’s doing it. A lot of people are doing their last shows this week. This means there’s going to be loads of irritating people full of happiness and energy and excitement because they’ve just got to the festival.

I have to say, the new Pear Shaped was really lovely. The place was full of punters enjoying themselves, the acts were sober, some of them had talent, the landlord was lovely, smartly dressed and called me sir. There was a friendly guy whom I knew from somewhere but he was welcoming and collected glasses, the room was a fantastic space which looked like a reconstructed cellar and even the pissed guy who kept talking at the back was friendly. So nothing like the old place.

I went up and tried to do a spot when people kept entering. Eventually someone in a wheelchair was being wheeled in so I decided to stop and let them get in because pissed bloke, while being helpful was suffering from verbal dihorea and was giving Coughlan a run for his money. So Brian got me to sing a long with one of the many Pear Shaped songs he’s written advertising the show, to which I didn’t know the words for. Then we started again. About a minute into my set, the person in the wheelchair was being wheeled out. All that fucking fuss for nothing.

From chatting to other acts it seems my theory of free shows bringing more people to the festival is probably true, but when I first wrote that comment I didn’t take into account how many more shows in general there were. I read an interesting article in The Scotsman that has mentioned the fact that it has finally got too big. I would like to think that this will put people off or make them think twice, but it will probably get even bigger next year. I even struggle in the first week. I cancelled two of my solo shows and played to single figures twice. However this week is up on last week and on Sunday I played to a bigger crowd than I did last year. I’m still coming up next year, just not going to take on so much stuff.

I got to my gig and The Good, The Bad and The Cuddly were packed as usual. I ended up with about a half full room, so again, very pleased with that. I also had a lady that saw me last year. Look at me with my cult following. Doing a full run at the festival certainly takes it out on your stuff. My guitar seems to now be permanently out of tune, my gay cowboy hat is in tatters and I have to keep brushing my lady boy wig.

Saying that the show was a corker. Sophia spoiled a bit by accident, when I asked the room if there were any ladies out there that would have sex with me. Then one guy said, “I see your girlfriend’s in”. This actually made the show more fun as all the stories about picking up crack whores etc got bigger laughs now the audience knew she was there.

I actually had to cut the show short again due to adlibbing and messing around. Especially when I did my annoying poet to a woman that just walked in and redid the first half of the show in 30 seconds to some late comers.

All in all a great show, I was well happy with that also I had a woman that saw me last year and she brought a mate. Muchos happiness.

After I dragged all my stuff to The Counting House to watch Manera’s show. Dave was particularly interested to see Mike’s show because he’d read so much about him in last year’s blog. A good time was had by all and Manera did sterling work when the batteries on the cordless mic started to make a heartbeat noise so he got the crowd to sit forward and did the rest of the show a cappella. A very classy show, with a classy performance in a classy venue. Not for the likes of me. I’m thinking of doing the Jekyll and Hyde next year.

We then got a cab to Lindsays and did the show there AGAIN. The show started off quietly and eventually got full. By the end I was tired and pissed and to be honest fed up with dragging all my props and guitar all that way for the umpteenth time. That’s my entire day, I’m in the middle of the biggest festival in the world and I’m not getting to see anything.

After the show we quickly finished our drinks and got a cab. We sat up for an hour or so drinking wine and chatting before bed. It was about 2.30am. Quite early for us.

Got up and made pasta a tuna for Manera and I. It was midday so it was more like brunch. It went down a treat. Manera’s been of a no carbs diet, but in Edinburgh it’s a bad idea to not have them. So we’ve been stuffing down the pasta, chips and battered food like no one’s business.

We buggered off to the Underbelly to do the show. It was almost rammed. About 90 in so that was a great start to the day. Flyered the crowd then went off to the Teviott to flyer a bit more. Had a lovely chat with Abi Roberts and bumped into Lionel Ritchie sketch gang. Really lovely guys.

Got my stuff and made my way to the Meadows. Not my best show and to be honest, not the best audience. Half of them seemed to not like comedy. The other half were lovely and enjoyed it. Praying that no one reviewed it.

My lovely lovely Sophia turned up at the meadow bar with a massive bag. I had a few drinks with her, Greame, Gannon, Jeff Downs and Manera, then we headed back to the flat and chilled for a bit.

We then popped down to the Pleasance Courtyard and was chuffed to see so many people I know had sold out, including the divine Paul Sinah who I had a chat with. I got tickets for Sophia and I to see Eurobeat Almost Eurovision. That was absolutely brilliant fun fort he sake of it. Really fanstatic. Well worth the £11 for a ticket. When it hits the West End it’ll be three or four times more.

We walked past the old Holyrood and saw it covered with posters for shows from big venues. It was quite sad to see. We grabbed some food from the shope around the corner and not only were they lovely in there, the food was quite healthy. Went for a drink in the Three Sisters for a late night drink and we stayed outside because inside was a tad chavvy and I got odd looks for wearing a kilt. Later Sophia spilled cold white wine on my kilt and I felt shrinking.

Got home knackered but incredibly happy.

Woke up and realised that I suddenly had a double sided flyer with a show on one side that was now defunct. I ran to Woolworth’s, got some glue and started to stick the flyers together. Me and Manera were putting together a collection of the worst flyers of the festival and now mine has been added to the pile. I put it in myself.

Flyered and had not a bad show. Only about 10 in but they enjoyed it and I performed it well. Seems to be less people in the streets but I am flyering twice as much as I did last year but last year I never played to less than 15. Still it’s all about doing the Edinburgh festival and learning and flyering and drinking and eating. Also the free tickets and 2 for 1s are still being touted about on the Royal Mile. I’m starting to worry about how the paid shows are fairing. If we’re struggling then I wonder how they’re doing.

I grabbed myself something to eat and waited for Cils to pick me up. We both decided that we wanted a day off from the festival. And we did. We had a few glasses of cheap cava, I invented a live lift the flap book game with Bruny which he loved so much I had to keep doing over and over again. It basically went like this.

Where’s Mummy? Is she under the cushion? No, she’s not under the cushion.
Is she under the TV? No, she’s not under the TV?

This went on for about an hour, but we had a lot of fun and I started to forget I was in Edinburgh. I love Bruny, he’s one of my best mates.

Me and Cils let rip and let rip about what’s going right an wrong in the festival. Surprisingly, there was a distinct lack of bitching. How tremendous. How relaxing. How very much needed. Because Cils isn’t doing a show, it’s great to not go to someone’s house and have it full of flyers, posters and newspapers with reviews. However it is full of Lego and toy cars. A great time was had by all.

Flyered like a bastard with Sheena and helped to organise a bunch of us to flyer in a gang. Manera had made a huge comedy sign which attracted loads of people to us.

However I didn’t bank on how far away we were from The Meadows and got tot he show just as it started. Well it was a disaster. 5 people were there, Richard had started talking to the crowd, two stroppy engineers complained about us using the DJ booth while the show had already started, we were an absolute shambles and the biggest laugh we got was when I told them about the collection.

After the show Sheena and I were barely talking mainly because we were quite ashamed about what we’d just done.

I did my gig in the Meadows to 7 people. Sheena thought it was a great show and it went well, but I was fed up with the low turn out considering how much work I’d been putting in.

Nick met me after the show to tell me that he didn’t want to do Bunker anymore. So that was that. No more sketch show. It would be impossible to do and to be honest no one’s heart was in it.

Dragged all the stuff over to Lindsays feeling tired and hungry. I said I’d get something to eat but Lindsay insisted on making me something, which was sweet of her. About an hour later I popped upstairs to get the gig ready and do Pam’s collection and when I got back all the food was gone. The excuse, “I thought you had some” did not go down well.

Not at all happy with the situation, I decided to tell the audience about this and got more and more pissed as the lack of food and pouring of lager down my neck actually made for a funny show. It wasn’t the best turn out at the late show. Typical for the day I’d been having, but all in all it was good fun. Sadly Lindsay felt upset and apologised for my lack of food, but this was just a huge joke to everyone else. I told her not to apologise for being generous.

Duncan Oakley said he enjoyed my angry shouting MCing style that I needed to do to wake the crowd up a bit.

At the end of the day, I had a drink and got a cab home. Another day of feeling like I’ve done nothing but work my arse off but getting nothing back for it.

Had a massive breakfast with Manera. Sausages, beans and mushrooms with smoothies and coffee.

After yesterdays disappointing turn outs I decided to do some drastic measures and decided to flyer on the Royal Mile with a silver cowboy hat and my kilt. I had my guitar with me and James Sherwood said, “People will look at you and realise you’re not a real Scotsman and leave your show.”

It was pissing it down with rain so bought a tartan umbrella to go with the kilt.

I met Sheena on the Mile and we were part of the hardcore flyerers and did two hours in the rain. And it was cold too. She told me that I’m getting a reputation now for having a big cock. Not a rumour that I want to dismiss lightly.

It was actually quite fun flyering in the rain as there was a bit camaraderie between the flyerers. One side admitted this was their job and they were being paid for it and the other side were lunatics because they can choose to stay at home.

Went to the Bunker gig and there was no one there. So I dragged all of the props and guitar over to the Meadows and had an audience. It went well so I was chuffed with that. About a third full and the show went really well. Very happy bunny. Last year the first show was a bit of a shambles, but this almost worked like clockwork. Back on form now.

I had to get some more bits and pieces for Bunker and the gang got together and the flat and we rehearsed the show before going out, so no flyering was done. However I think James Sherwood was right. I got no one in for Bunker Thinks He’s Hunter and 3 people in for Raised 2b Stupid. We used the no show to do a dress rehearsal and the lovely Ashley Frieze was our guest and gave us feedback, it went really well. I decided not to go ahead with Raised 2b Stupid, but one third of my audience asked for something so I did a couple of songs and they were happy with that. Not exactly the start I was hoping for.

Did the door and lights for the compilation show at Lindsay’s and Christian Riley opened and was spectacular. What an opening, he really rocked the room. The place was packed and everyone loved the whole show. Bit pissed off to be carrying all the stuff around me and not getting anything out of it. Will make sure I flyer properly tomorrow.

Woke up feeling shattered again. The festival hasn’t officially started for me but here I am feeling like I’m here on the last week. I wen out and flyered and when James Sherwood realised my shaw wasn’t on yet and that I flyered yesterday he said, “Well that’s a complete waste of time.” He’s in a good mood, he told me he loves the new venue and he said there’s a proper performer’s space and bar. Get her. I also had a few people on the Mile who saw me last year said they’d come along again.

Had a pepper steak and a scotch pie in the Piemaker.

Bought a kilt, a silver cowboy hat and a ginger beard.

Press party was excellent. Dizzy and I did the barbecue and made sure everyone got fed. I wore my kilt and quite a few people wanted to check if I was being an authentic Scot. Pam Ford checked first by lifting it up from the back with the sausage tongs. I thought it was a gust of wind until I heard her scream. Lindsay checked, Kerry Hudson, Okse took a photo.

The showcase was also great fun. Manera did a stunning job Mcing in his Dandy Pirate outfit. Two girls did a fab slot on bass and alto sax they were excellent and Robin’s phone went off in the middle of their song, Furry Muff, Karen Bayley, Jo Jo, Coppoff with his red nails and a whole host of funsters and entertainments.

I was glad to see a skull and crossbones put up in the garden, so I got myself a picture of that.

Spent the rest of the evening chatting to a million and one people who were all full of food and drink and optimism.

I was having a chat with Dizzy outside when a gust of wind did really blow my kilt up. I am proud to say I shocked Dizzy High. That must be a first. I really have no idea what time I got home but I knew it was late.

2nd Aug 2007

Stone me. I was having a conversation with everyone and Dizzy laughed and told me that I’m turning into Tony Hancock. That’s funny, I don’t recall Hancock referring to someone as a winging cunt.

Spent most of the day getting more venues ready for the Free Festival. I woke up feeling like shit even though I got a good night’s sleep. I didn’t have a hangover, well actually I did. It was a hangover from physical work. I hadn’t realised how unfit and flabby I’d been getting recently. I ached all over and I still haven’t got festival legs yet.

Manera made a breakfast of sausages and… erm. Sausages. Very nice sausages they were too. Then we all set out to Linsays to help out set up the Hillside venue. It’s amazing how you can turn a basic box room into a divine venue. And it only took an hour. I was in charge of curtains.

After we grabbed a cab to the Underbelly to do the gig. What a fucking awesome start to the festival. We got a good crowd in and had a blast. I MC’d, Manera stylishly opened, Coppin did a fantastic impromptu set due to an act not showing and the mighty Pat Monohan wowed them as a closer.

After the show a bunch of student to some reporting course interviewed us and a good time was had by all. I even bumped into a few girls who I asked if they could do a spot in the sketch show.

I did a bit of flyering and bumped into my flyering rival Pippa Evans. Ha ha! I am already 8000 flyers in front of her… OK 43. Also got to know a few professional flyerers on the Royal Mile as we’d be seeing each other every day of the festival.

Then onto the Jekyll and Hyde where there were far too many people to help out, so everyone was sent to Linsays and I helped Andy White by ripping off bits of gaffer tape handing them to him so he could stick cables to the ceiling. I never knew Andy White knew so much trivia. Especially about Leonard Cohen.

I went to the Underbelly to pick up my pass and didn’t have a photo so I used the one for my flyer. I then ran off to pick up Sheena from the station who had the heaviest bag in the whole festival. She was also twenty minutes late because there were sheep on the line. Never heard that one before.

Show’s only two days away. Got to admit I’m panicking a bit. I’ve got a few need bits I need to add to the solo show and need to learn some lines for the sketch show. That’s all.

We got a cab to mine and them walked to Linsays where I was put to the task of making a comedy tonight sign. For some odd reason this caused much hilarity and conversation with everyone else sitting on their fat arses doing fuck all in the garden. Especially Richard Cockhard who seemed mesmerised like a moth flying into a light bulb. Let’s just say half an hour later I was getting a little tetchy. Maybe the Hancock thing was right. Linsay asked me if I was using a permanent pen. I looked at it and it was whiteboard marker. I gently touched a bit that I did about twenty minutes ago and it came off in my hand. Oh the hilarity that ensued from everyone but me.

Richard, Sheena and I went and did a bit of a rehearsal and got a lot done on the sketches we haven’t rehearsed properly. Are all Edinburgh shows normally like this? Last year I was a happy go lucky fool doing his show drinking his way through Edinburgh. This year I’m stressing out about the venues and the shows. Where is that young puppy with a wagging tail, wet nose and a bounce in his step?

We got a shit load of Chinese food in and read some of the press. The split between the two camps has actually been good for all concerned. One of the articles mentions how it’s good for the festival as there’s more shows, which is good for the visitors and the residence. All in all I think it will be good for everyone, because surely this will also bring in people that have never been to the festival before and would never have considered it if it wasn’t for the free shows. In turn some of those people will go to the paid shows as well. It’s great for everyone.

Bumped into Barry Dodds (who was off to go on a ghost tour for a change), Carl Donnelly, Ian Stone, Liz Carr, Tanya Lee Davis, Hils Jago, Matt Rudge and Duncan Oakley through the day. It’s getting closer. Brown trousers time.

Got a cab back to the flat and Okse arrived at that moment with even more heavy stuff that we helped him up the stairs with. Sheena crashed in his room and he crashed on the sofa in mine and we got to play who farted and I got to see his cock while I was lying in my bed.

Had loads of trouble sleeping that night.

Aug 1st 2007
Well the journey went well. We left Manera's around 5.30am. We found Dizzy under a pile of duvets and he groggily made his way to the car and moaned that couldn't have a cigarette and wanted a coffee. No, don't thank me for picking ya up ya bastard. ;-)

Anyway the journey was a blast. Manera played loads of great music from his MP3 player, we all took the piss out of each other. Dizzy and Coppin ate an extraordinary amount of service station food. Right down to the family burger meal where there was still a burger left over and I left them to discuss how to split it in two with no knife. Animals.

Eventually after about 260 miles of driving under my belt Coppin took over. I think he wanted to take over sue to the fact I was having so much trouble getting in and out of the car park. I did some really shit parking but fuck it, there wasn't anybody there so I parked over two bays.

Coppin was an expert driver and was zooming round trucks and shit heaps going two miles an hour on a single lane motorway and eventually we got our arses to the flat. We didn't have much time to explore it as there wasn't any proper parking nearby, but it's gorgeous. Even better than last year and it's a bit cheaper too.

I drove the guys over to Linsays and finally got somewhere tp park. Made my way into the bar and had my first beer of the day. My god did it taste nice. It was 4pm and I'd be travelling for 12 hours. I gave Linsay a big hug and after looking at all the posters and feeling back at home, Manera pointed out that one of my posters had already been graffiti'd. Someone poked out my eyes, drew devil's horns on my head and wrote a speech bubble that said, I am the devil incarnate. Must have met them last year in the Speigel Tent.

Spent the rest of the day helping Alex and the gang putting up the venues. It's really cool to watch a room turn into an Edinburgh venue. We also started plugging Rob Debb's show because there was a Dungeons and Dragon group in the Hillside venue using one of the rooms.

Coppin asked me if I could lend him twenty quid for a cab, which funnily enough was exactly how much he owed me and gave me a few hours previously. Hm.

Once most of the work was done, we fired up the barbecue and ate like the hungry working bastards we were. Men. Working,. Food.

We went home fairly early. Well half ten and got a cab back. Kev the Shepherd was staying with us but was having a drink and enjoying himself so he said he's come over later.

I waited for him to call, but woke up around 3am with a message from Kev asking where the flat was. Sure he'll be OK.

Aug 1st 2007

It is 4 am in the morning. I've packed and I'm off to pick up the rabble. Last night the window got stuck on the car and wouldn't close. I fear this car will either fly like a banned magically altered muggle machinery. Or it will blow up Jack Bauer stylee.

31 Jul 2007

Last minute cast members joining Bunker Thinks He's Hunter. Losing a member for the last week. Gaining two members for the last week. Not having a full run of either Edinburgh shows. Having previews cancelled. Having cunts in the audience. Passing my driving test. Having my car break down on me two days before I give a lift to three other comics. Moving house. Getting my own radio show and plugging the Free Festival. Tears, tantrums, cross dressing, nudity, wankers, bastards, fuckers, madams, drinking, smoking, shouting, laughing, piss taking, flirting, skeletons leaping out of cupboards, trips to the clap clinic and molestation of farmyard animals. My god, what a life.

Yes, Belgrave's back with his 3rd Edinburgh blog. First he was afraid, second he was petrified, third he's camping it up like a disco diva. Yeah, Edinburgh rocks man. I'm doing two full shows and sometimes up to four with MCing at the Underbelly and Lindsay's bar. This doesn't include any guest spots I'll try and cram it, but to be honest I think that'll be enough.

I'm sharing a house with Dizzy High, Okse and Mike Manera. We all cook and we all have strange sexual desires. It's a veritable Marquis De Sade and his three dirty brothers under one roof.

I rushed out in my lunch break today and got my car out of the garage. Drove it to where I'm going to live and got the train into work. It only took 90 minutes but I lose my lunch and extended late night tea break. But what with the car breaking down, the tight schedule I have cleverly planned had a massive spanner rammed right up its arse. Or is that Dizzy? I'm seriously stressed, but I've re written the plan. I'm going to crash at my lady's house then get up in the early house and pick the boys up. Then I'll give the comics a lift.

Stay tuned Edinburgh fans. Gonna blog sometimes more than once a day. Coz I'm crazy me.