21/03/08
Within a gnat's pube of a driving-ban, and punching a theatre usher -
Categories: Blog -
Paul Kerensa
@ 02:53:15 am
I got notification of my 9th point on my licence in the post today. Not happy. One more flash and I'm potentially banned from driving. I wouldn't mind if it was me doing 90 on a motorway (alright, I would mind), but they've all been roadworks-in-the-middle-of-the-night-reducing-the-speed-limit-for-no-real-reason type moments.
This latest one (and this is a reason, not an excuse - I'm well aware I was speeding and therefore did wrong) - I'd driven 4 hours back from Preston on a Sunday night, all on the speed limit, then at the last leg, at 2:30am, the last bit of the M40 was shut so I was diverted off down a small road I didn't know. Within a minute from the motorway, the speed limit goes down, and I didn't decelerate in time - so I was flashed at 35 in a 30 limit. Past a school, fair enough, kids playing, fair enough, but at 2:30am, there was no one around, not even another car, and in my head I'm still on the motorway. Anyway, as I say, tis not an excuse, cos I'm well aware I broke the law, but that still doesn't mean I think the law is right.
The good news is, having checked my licence, I've got till the end of May till those first few points drop off. So if I can be a good boy for the next couple of months, I'm slightly out of the woods. Otherwise, one more silly mistake and I'll be begging you, dear reader, for lifts.
So it was a careful drive to Northampton tonight for a gig. Nice gig, in a nice theatre, though a couple of odd staff there - I asked at the stage door if I could park there, and she said, "We have spaces, but no disrespect, but you could be anyone." Right, I'm not. I'm on tonight. "Well, you say that. Anyone could come in here and say that." Fine, where else can I park? "St James's car park is best." Right. Where's that? "You don't know where St James's is?" Let me repeat it. I. Am. Visiting. The. Area. To put on a show for you people. Fine, I'll find my own bloody parking.
Second theatre underling, half an hour later. I've got there early, parked, entered the venue with heavy bags, and want to find somewhere to set up my laptop to get some work done. Is there anywhere I can do this? "There's the cafe bar." Okay. Do you have a room at all for us? "A room?" Yes, for the comedians. For the show. "No, not really." Okay. It's a big theatre. Is there not a dressing-room somewhere. "Of course we have dressing-rooms. This is big theatre. We've had a refurbishment, you know." Okay, can I set up in one of your dressing-rooms? "Our dressing-rooms are for performers only." I am a performer! "I thought you were a comedian." Comedians are performers! We don't just talk about the first thing in our head. We perform a show. "Well, you're best off in the cafe bar." Forget it. I'll go get some food. Is there anywhere that does food around here? "The cafe bar." Anywhere outside this god-and-customer-service-forsaken venue? "Do you know St James's?" Aaaargh. Okay, I'll go down that way. My bags are heavy. Can I leave them here? Perhaps in a room backstage? "Ooh, I don't think so - it's for performers only." Oh bog off the lot of you.
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