For every last one of you that has been involved in bringing a show up to the Fringe, either this year or any before it:

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotion, spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never tasted victory or defeat.”

Bye then xx

Right.

I knew this day would come, I swore I wouldn't let it upset me.

There was an air of resignation before I even set foot in the Hut last night. I sat with Julie (one of the Hut staff) and listened to her walkie-talkie churn out excruciatingly low audience figures for everyone. Fuck that. When I got into the venue still feeling rough as fuck, I was confronted by Jen and Gareth (the other two Hut staff) playing with cheapo lightsabers. I had a lightsaber in my show - that's why they had them. Everyone that has seen my lightsaber has become obsessed with it. I actually have two (we got one as a spare and swapped them over mid-way through the run). They are currently in a van ploughing it's way down the M6 by my estimation.

I should say thankyou to the people who have inhabited Edinburgh with me this year...

The staff at The Hut were an absolute pleasure to be around. With respect to the others I've met in my time, I have never had a more supportive group of people to meet me at the venue on a daily basis. They were so cool and have been a major part of my fringe experience - wouldn't wish to lose touch with any of them, but one of the saddest things about this fringe thing is how fleeting everything is. In fact, that's a sad thing about working in entertainment generally. You meet friends for life that last a few weeks. But, as I can, and if any of them happen to read this, I'd like to say, Jen, Julie and Gareth you have been a pleasure to be around and I sincerely thankyou guys for being so kind and cool and funny and supportive. xxx.

The Avalon team - in particular Simon Streeting and my manager James, Many thanks for tolerating me xxx

On the subject of tolerance, Jenny, for letting me stay with her away from the trappings of the fringe for no money and just ocassionally going to the shop, and - importantly - for having no interest whatsoever in comedy (this is very good thing for when I am believing it is the most important thing in the world) - thankyou xxx

The other person I wish to draw attention to is Kat (my lady at the back of the room with buttons). When I got home last night I realised with regret that by not doing the final show I had been unable to thank Kat from the stage. Some shows do that from beginning to end, every night of a run, but I've always found that a bit crap. The signalling to the back of the room so the audience can applaud someone who has turned a light on and off always jars with me. If they have been operating a highly technical show then maybe, but not for a straight stand up show. I'm sure Kat would be the first person to say that my show this year was no stretch for someone of her ability. In fact, it's a bit of an insult to have someone like Kat operating a show that requires next to no operating (and I know how good she is because she operated my show last year which did have some light and sound cues). Thing is though, she's been wonderful. This has been an emotional experience for me at times, doing something different to what I have normally done up here and being alone on the stage night after night. As I've said before on here, seeing her at the back of the room has always left me feeling less on my own. She doesn't like that, that whole thing of being a 'constant' but it's tough shit because that's what she's been and I'm glad she was there. She hasn't pandered to my ego, she hasn't been patronising or a yes-(wo)man, she's gauged me just right (which is no mean feat) and...well...yes...she's cool. A delightful imp, thankyou Nugent xxx

So.

I don't really know how to sum all this up. I've had brilliant audience figures and rubbish ones, I had brilliant audiences and rubbish ones. I met people in my shows who re-ignited my love for my job, and I met people in my shows that made me feel there was no point even trying. I wanted to prove that I was never 'hiding' behind a character with Ray Peacock, I wanted to prove I could cut it in a show on my own, but that was actually about me. Who was I trying to prove it to if not myself? The thing is, I don't really know why professionally I brought a show up here, and that's been my overall lesson. I need some sort of direction to point myself in and that's the next important step. I can't carry on treading water, I want some sort of goal with all this comedy bollocks. And please don't think there is going to be some revelatory moment now on here because I haven't worked out what that goal is. One step at a time, I'm being big enough to acknowledge the need, I'm not going to reveal the plan. Just be grateful with how much I've given you.

I had a fucking cool poster too, eh?

Anyway - I'm going. There'll be more tears if I carry on.

Sincerely thankyou for reading this if you have. If you haven't - you should have. And don't forget - I'm on "Doctors" on September 14th. I'll probably win awards for it or something. I really am that good. There'll be one more quickie post straight after this - same as I put in the "My Edinburgh" piece last year but as relevant as always. It fucks up the 45 posts thing I wanted so badly but, well, it's worth it...

Penultimate post time - can you feel the choke of emotion swell?

Stephen Grant is pretty much forgiven now as he sent me a text tonight apologising for his unceremonious exit from the fringe. His promise to put some Komedia dates in (and it was a promise Stephen - I have it saved on my phone) will go some way towards him being ultimately forgiven by me.

Didn't do a show tonight - instead choosing to spend the time arguing with the venue about how it "isn't my decision to make to pull a show". Not sure how that works. Last time I looked I was the only person accountable for my budget, but anyway, let's not follow this line of blog as it could end with me getting into legal bother. Fact of the matter is, I was and am fucking ill. I did both my shows last night and suffered because of it - I love comedy but I'm not going to make myself even more ill for it.

Am going to have a drink now and then hit the hay - I'll finish this all off tomorrow with an aesthetically pleasing 45 posts.

I'm a little bit too poorly to write this.

Two shows last night which I REALLY struggled to do, felt close to collapse during my show (especially given that I was bunged up and the Hut does tend to get rather hot as the show crawls on). Did that thing you're not meant to do by making excuses to the audience about how poorly I was and all that.

Have been having a bit of a strop to myself at how many people have promised to come and see my show and how many actually have. I know it happens every year, and god knows I have said to people I will come and see them and then not, but I have been disappointed at the distinct lack of 'peers' who have shown support to me. Major double standard on my part, and maybe they'll all turn up tonight, but there it is. Not to worry. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself cos I'm poorly-sick.

It was the last Free Beer Show last night and it was quite a low key affair to be honest. We had a band last night which was cool, and there were only two acts on plus me as the moaning, snotty compere, but it actually went pretty well. I've enjoyed doing the Free Beer Show. I am happy to report that other than the first night I never did a word of material during my compering residency. But I did a fuck of a lot of breakdancing. The audiences have been by-and-large a pleasure, I've had a bit of cross-sales between that and my own show, and I think I've learned a lot about relaxing on stage. And I made about forty quid or something for the whole run.

I'm going to go now as I perhaps need the toilet and I'm feeling a little bit teary for some reason. In a manly way you

Great, I'm ill.

I felt it happen halfway through last nights show. Something in my chest felt different and I got a bit wheezy and that was me. Officially ill. I didn't have a coat with me, so I got even more of a chill to my chest as I went over to the Free Beer Show. Now I am fucked. I'd done so well, and despite the fact that my venue is so intimate that if someone comes to my show with a sniffle I would be guaranteed to get it too, I was beginning to dare to believe I would make it through this years fringe without any illness. This would have been a long shot, but I was so close!Oh well.

So yesterday we found out the winners - St Helens RLFC ran away with the Rugby League Challenge Cup after murdering Huddersfield Giants by 42-12. Such a bittersweet moment for me, as I have already logged here, but glad to see them lift the trophy.

My show last night was fun, other than the onset of illness and the drunken 'woman' in the front row. See, the problem is, sometimes you are on stage and getting nonsense from some drunk idiot in the audience and you just wish they would fuck off and die. Yet, in truth, they are often just trying to join in and misguidedly think they are contibuting to the show because they hear the laughter when they are involved. They often don't realise they are the butt of the laughs and start to get more confident and excited and do it even more. They never notice when other members of the audience are getting pissed off with them. Then they wait for you afterwards as they think you are now friends.

This is one of the advantages of having to run off to do the Free Beer Show.

Last nights Free Beer Show was I think my favourite so far. Great acts, great fucking about, mainly great audience, top breakdancing of course, and Will Anderson ripping the fuck out of his headline spot to wind it up nicely. Enjoyed it a lot despite the fact that I was getting increasingly ill. Tonight's Free Beer Show is the last one - it was meant to be a gong show and I was going to do it IN character, but it's looking like it'll just be a normal one given that there are no acts booked to my knowledge.

It's my penultimate show tonight, I feel like I should be constructing some sort of conclusion to this blog now, like what Stephen Grant has done, but I can't really think of anything and Stephen has set the bar pretty high with his essay. I'll have a think on it...

I met Leigh Francis last night (off of Bo'Selecta). He was a nice man as far as I could tell. He said my poster was "right good that".

Lemsip time.

I saw the Durham Reevewe (is that the right spelling?) today finally. Great show - can heartily advise it. Some really good ideas, and a lot of near-the-knuckle stuff which I am never happier with. Part of the fun is watching the audience responses to these bits - they get a fairly broad cross-section of society into their shows, but given the early hour of the show (4.15 @ Underbelly) and their affinity to such a prestigious University they naturally attract a few touristy middle-class posh folk who struggle to keep their mouths from dropping. Their last show is Sunday - don't say I sent you.

Another word about the Underbelly - I asked three members of staff where the baby belly was and not one of them told me. Not one! They all told me to go somewhere else and ask there. Turned out I had been standing outside it before starting my hunt, but as there had been no announcement of the show starting, I missed the first few minutes of the show. So did at least eight other people. Made me realise how lucky I have been with my front of house crew (Jen, Julie and baby Gareth - who has recently become a teenager - happy birthday dude). They are fantastic and have been a major help in getting me through this fucking trial.

Speaking of which...

So, tonights show was better than last nights which was rubbish. Not perfect tonight, but where would the fun in that be?

As I was hanging out of the back of The Hut waiting for my audience to get organised I had a little chat with Ed Byrne. I like Ed Byrne. I thought he was a twat when I first met him about eight years ago, and he held me in as high a regard also. But not for long and now I think he is great and he, erm, tolerates me - he's a fantastic prospect and should definitely be playing bigger venues if he manages to get a slot at The Pleasance again next year. I let him announce me onstage from the backstage mic as a little taster for what it will be like when he 'makes' it. you should have seen his excited little face as he nervously tried to remember not to mention the fucking Carphone Factory or whatever it is he's always banging on about in the adverts for Big Brother.

So my show was eventful then pedestrian. Another great famous comedy mate of mine (whose name I shan't mention as we have already had Ed Byrne in this post and it will look wanky if I start dropping in other successful comedians names) once said to me that if you are doing a gig and it is going great guns without doing a word of material - stick with that plan. Don't try and go back to material if the audience are loving you fucking about and the gig couldn't be going better because that's when you truly start to find your comedic self onstage. Then he said he wasn't even a comedian but an entertainer. And then he probably said something about a monkey.

I don't know if these were wise words, I have seen said comedian follow his own advice to the point of gig destruction on several ocassions. At the same time I've seen said comedian follow his own advice to the point of achieving comedic and theatrical brilliance the like of which I could never dream of on several ocassions too. Perhaps it should be regarded as an ocassional rule rather than a universal one. Time and a place and all that.

It may (probably would) have been the best rule for my show tonight, but I didn't take it. After a hugely enjoyable twenty minutes interlude of audience interaction about halfway through my show (particularly with a wonderful elderly lady called Greta who had been brought to my show by her daughter), I returned to the show I had written. It dipped a bit but re-found its feet in the final story (about me believing burglars were in my house) to peak nicely at the finishing line. I overran by fifteen (maybe twenty) minutes but the way I see it I have earned that time in lieu after cancelling Wednesdays show. I presume I will still be charged for that night...

I enjoyed my show on many levels tonight, particularly given the shitty couple of days I've just had up here, and it was nice to feel my confidence begin to bubble again (if not surging as it should...).

Tonights show, however, will predominantly live in my memory eternally for the look of amused horror on Kats face (my sound and light lady/girl/angel) at the back of the room on hearing me ask an octagenarian (apologies if this is over-estimating) lady if she was "all right for cock?".

I would never normally do what I am about to do - but I am beginning to think that the only way I am going to get potential audience to see my threeweeks review is if I actually type it up here myself. This is going to be difficult whilst trying to adhere to my rule of not reading them but here goes;

" Stars: ****

Mr.Peacock himself even admitted,
begrudgingly, that his new show took
the format of a 'confessional'. But
this isn't the kind of material that you
would share with your priest, no matter
how much sanctification you needed.
All the taboos are crumpled, trampled
and spilt with beer like last nights
promotional fluers, from threesomes
and porn to paedophilia and bestiality.
At 5'6" both up and across the middle
and scraggy haired, or, as he puts it, "A
cross between Jay and Silent Bob", you
wouldn't quite call him 'cute'. But there
is something endearing about Peacock,
and you can't get angry with him, mainly
because you're too busy laughing.
Like a kebab on the walk home, this
confessional is a guilty pleasure"

That's nice isn't it? Apparently I am like a kebab.

I reckon if someone took some quotes out of that and put them on my flyers and posters then that would get people interested a bit, maybe even make them want to come and see it. I've even put the ones I would choose in itallics. And, can I point out, earlier in the festival threeweeks gave a four star review to the Free Beer Show and described me as the "Cute compere" so make your fucking minds up.

As I was traipsing back from a rather lacklustre effort by myself at tonights Free Beer Show I was accosted just next to the car by a couple of young girls. They pointed at one of my flyposters (I always try and park near one) and asked if that was me. I said yes. The blonde one (the other was I think brunette but couldn't really tell because of the street lights) said to me "You write a blog on the comedy site, don't you?". I assumed she meant this one so replied with another yes. "I read it every day", she went on, "I think it's amazing". I thanked her but she wasn't done. "I love it" she said, "You're clearly having a breakdown day by day - it's brilliant".

It so wasn't the 'compliment' to pay me tonight.

This'll be good...

Right - first off - whilst I think on - if Katherine Jakeaways is reading this then Katherine, I am reeeeally sorry I didn't catch up with you. I came to the loft bar but wasn't allowed in, and couldn't get a message to you as this could have been a coded terrorist message (???). I spent two hours trying to track down your number, eventually did and texted you. I hope it was the right number but if it wasn't then you've got the message from me now on here xx

Let's talk about the good bits of the day.

I went to Stephen Grants show. Loved that. To be fair, I can watch Stephen on stage all day - particularly his interaction. I've always said he is the best compere in the country based on that (and that was never me sucking up to him or trying to get gigs, I genuinely believe that). He's either super quick minded or he has a response written and ready for every opportunity. Either way, it's fucking impressive. He was captivating for the full hour, a really interesting and funny show and he never gave less than 110%.

What else good happened today? Erm...I got a four star review in three weeks. But hang on - I'm not reading my reviews! But hang on again - Stephen Grant IS (reading my reviews) and just HAD to tell me! Well I know now, and he was being kind really.

Can you spot the thing I'm not mentioning yet viewers?

Well? Can you? That thing I always talk about on here? That thing that is the reason I am up in Scotland and writing this blog in the first place? I'll give you a clue...I didn't do it tonight...

That's right - my show.

I don't know what the fuck happened. As far as I know the tickets were on sale. This is me putting on a brave face by the way, don't think I'm not tortured beyond belief with humiliation on the inside because I am. Right now I just want to play on the Playstation. That's all I want in the world. It's switched on but I am doing this - that's because I care. That's because I made a commitment to you dear reader, representative of the general public that you are - the general public, I might add, who abandoned me so harshly tonight.

Four.

Yep - that's not a typo.

Four.

We thought we'd heard it wrong ourselves over the front of house radio.

Four.

Was there ever a crueller number?

Sorry to the people that did come down to play - hope you come back tomorrow - it wouldn't have been fun for any of us though and I was on the brink of fainting which would have been even more awkward, particularly if I'd swallowed my tongue as well - it just wouldn't have been much of a show.

I was ill already when I got there. I didn't need much of an excuse to cry off and I grabbed it. They were going to make the street team come in and watch it to boost numbers but fuck that - they've had a busy enough day without having to sit through me at the end of it. So there we have it - I can't do you a show report as there was no show. Don't really know what else to say, feeling pretty fucking sorry for myself if the truth be told.

I've never felt less wanted in my entire life.

Right I'm back - said I would be didn't I?

First off - well done to Simon Streeting (Avalon dogsbody) and Kat Nugent (my lighting and sound person - well I say 'sound'...only when it suits her) for their very witty texts that came through on my phone 5 minutes after I posted my last entry explaining the difference between a headache and a migraine. Here are the texts as I recieved them;

From: Kat Nugent
5:46am 23-Aug-06
A migraine is a severe recurring headache usually affecting one side of the head, characterised by sharp pain and accompanied by nausea, vomiting and visual disturbances. x

From: Simon Stre Mob
5:46am 23-Aug-06
A headache is 1/a pain in the head. 2/informal. Something, such as a problem, that causes annoyance or trouble. x

So there we go.

Now for an update on what we really care about - me.

My show last night was a really odd one. It wasn't a bad show, I actually really enjoyed doing it, but it was an odd experience for me. I had difficulty seeing the audience through the lights (the lights in The Hut get fucked around with on a daily basis) which would usually knock me out of my stride but instead I just went for it and did my show to the darkness. I like to have a bit of a link with the audience but last night I really wasn't fussed (not in a bad way), I just made a mental decision shortly after I started to let the show rely on the material rather than me just charming my way through it. The results of this experiment were mixed. Some stuff went better, some stuff went worse. It's hard to talk about "Animal Farm" (the bad one not the good one) without a cheeky smile and twinkle in the eye to show you are only messing. I felt like I was doing a one man play at some points - which wasn't the nightmare you may think. I actually like acting very very much and I am dead brilliant at it and if you don't believe me then you can watch me when I join the cast of "Doctors" on September 14th and then you'll soon come round to my way of thinking. I've not seen it yet but I bet I'll be fucking ace in it. In all, last night was a "considered" and "controlled" show - not the norm for me - but it was a nice change.

I went out for a little bit after my show and a strange trend started to emerge. People - lots of people -were coming up to me and talking about this blog. I've had a bigger response to this blog than I have from my show which leads me to believe I may have wasted a billion pounds in paying for a venue. That said, I have also sold tickets to my show on the back of this blog so it's swings and roundabouts sort of. Mitch Benn had another little huff about it, I spoke to Ewan Macintosh (who you may recognise from his legendary co-starring appearance alongside me in the film "Hic" and "Casualty" the other week which is good but not as good as "Doctors" - there you go Ewan, told you I wouldn't mention "The Office" - I bloody won that bet) and he said he has been really enjoying this blog.

Then I spoke to Katherine Jakeways (out of loads of brilliant stuff, but mainly that Comedy Lab "Skin Deep" that I was astounding in but never went to series - probably because I was in it). Katherine said lovely things about this blog - apparently when I was in my slump shows she was having trouble sleeping as a result of it. This is good because when writing is rubbish people say it is a "cure for insomnia" as a horrible joke to be unkind and witty at the same time BUT my writing has now CAUSED insomnia which must mean that it is the best writing in the world.

Thankyou people that have said nice things about this, I am not growing tired of it so carry on.

What was the other thing I was going to talk about? Oh yeah - the rugby.

I've only ever missed St Helens Rugby League Team appearing in a Challenge Cup final once, and that was when a certain celeb friend of mine didn't come good on his promise of tickets, and made out he couldn't get them for himself even, only to then be seen by me on the television at the match. He has since made up for this but - the point is - I am going to be missing a second one on Saturday.

I don't care for sport generally. I don't watch football (I don't even support anyone - I used to follow Liverpool as a child but I stopped that on the night of the Juventus business and never returned), I don't watch the snooker or the tennis or any of that bollocks. I certainly don't watch Rugby Union. But, St Helens Rugby League club have provided me with the highest highs and lowest lows of my life and I am gutted that I can't be there in person on Saturday to see them in the Challenge Cup final. I can't properly explain or do justice to how I feel about it. I don't even think of them as a sports team, they're like my family. Isn't that ridiculous? There is an ongoing major push to promote the sport of Rugby League to a wider audience, but I don't want that - I'm territorial about it. I'm also very selfish about it too. Saints are trying to get a new stadium at the minute, and everyone connected to the club seems to think this will be brilliant but I don't want them to move from their present ground of Knowsley Road. I love it there. That's were all my memories are, I grew up on those terraces - how dare they suggest taking that away so they can have better floodlights and toilets with a roof on. I have just realised that this has fuck all to do with my show or comedy in general so I am going to stop. I just wanted to say something publicly about the game so I could feel a part of it rather than apart from it.

In other news I have just had a shower and found a lump under my arm which I believe is cancer. I don't have an awful lot of gigs in my diary for the rest of the year, and as I wont be around much longer because of my illness it would be nice for me to have a few more before I die so that I can leave a bit of money behind for my friends and family and Avalon. I also think it would be nice if I did some acting on telly, just so my friends and family and Avalon have a reminder of how brilliant I was, and can pop it on the TV whenever they wish to see my gorgeous face.

Failing either of these things can somebody just give me some money? (Not you mum)

Was going to update tonight but I appear to have developed a migraine (or a headache - I don't really know the difference to be honest...in fact, how does ANYONE know the difference? They say a migraine is a really bad headache but what constitutes a bad headache? It's not as though we can compare our headaches/migraines because only we know what it feels like from our own experience of our OWN headaches and migraines surely?).

Anyway, now that I have given you a headache too...

I shall be doing some brilliant updating when I get up. The things you have to look forward to hearing about are;

1. My show tonight natch.

2. The people who have said kind things about this blog tonight.

and

3. How I am starting to get depressed about missing this coming weekends Rugby League Challenge Cup final between St Helens (hooray) and Huddersfield Giants (boo).

So now that I have whet your appetite I shall bid you good night and look forward to seeing you tomorrow. If you miss me too much I think Stephen Grant will be posting a picture of me and him on his blog soon and I look fucking gorgeous on it. Well, I assume he'll put it up - either that or a load of pictures of Steve Coogan playing with one of Grants fucking yo-yos.

Oh, there you are...

Right, so, Sunday night - fab show. A great gang of people in the audience, very kind and good gigglers. It was a predominantly female audience (no doubt due to my almost-horrifically sexy poster) and a lovely hour (and ten - sorry Pleasance staff) was had by all including me. I even signed autographs after the show, which I normally have a real problem with (not in an annoying way...I just don't quite understand why anyone would want mine yet), but that night it was actually a more-than-welcome confidence booster. Sincere thanks to all in the audience on Sunday for taking the time to come and play. Although, as I mentioned earlier, one lady in the audience took exception to the fact that I had been involved in a threesome, saying this implied a lack of respect for one's other half.

I am always amused when an audience member takes exception on behalf of somebody they have never met. Steve Hall has a joke which says his mum is ugly, and whenever we performed together on the Comedy Network (university tour) it would, without exception, provoke disgust from pockets of the audiences. Steve and I have spent many an hour in my car driving to and from gigs discussing what inspires this vociferous loyalty to strangers. We never worked it out. There we go.

My audience tonight (Monday) were again just a very pleasant and supportive group of folk. Really chatty to begin with but never imposing enough to ruin the show - happy to have a little chat with me but aware enough to shut up as I got going. They may have been a model audience. Over the last two shows I have started to enjoy it again - I really hope that it stays that way for the few remaining shows and that those few bad ones last week were genuinely, as I suspected, just a little blip.

I found out halfway through the show that one group came as a direct result of reading this blog and I really like that. The lady who told me (I'm sure you didn't tell me your name but if you did I apologise for not recalling it) said very kind things about this here bit of scribble, and I am really glad you have/are enjoyed/enjoying reading it. Despite avoiding posting on this site like the plague throughout my comedy career I have really enjoyed writing this. I bumped into Steve "Fagin" Bennett tonight and told him about it. His stupid face dropped a mile as it dawned on him that I had sold tickets as a direct result of his stupid website despite his earlier efforts to sabotage my show by giving it a miserly 3 stars. I felt very pleased with myself as I strolled away from him into the Gilded Balloon loft bar but then I saw a framed picture on the wall of Rob Rouse looking all handsome and famous and came back down to Earth.

Went out for a quickie drink after the show with the great Simon Streeting (Avalon production manager...I think...I really should check this...he's doing something technical anyway). Went to Brookes bar again but I whinged so much about it that he let us go to the Gilded Ballon loft bar instead. Bumped into Mitch Benn - he told me he had been reading this blog and was being pretend huffy because I said in an earlier post that he started a fight at a gig I was compering once. He insists he didn't start the fight. But he did. And not only that, it was with a disabled baby so that tells you what sort of bloke he is.

Had a nice drink with Simon, and we were joined by some of the Avalon flyering team (lovely), Jen and Julie from the Pleasance Hut (lovely too) and Kat my in-show technical operator (drunk but all the more lovely for it). I'm generally not a very sociable soul, but I had a nice relaxing night tonight in good company.

I really hope Kat isn't feeling too ill now. She has been the one constant in my shows (good and bad), sitting at her tiny lighting desk at the back of the Pleasance Hut, illuminated in shadow by a little blue light and valiantly attempting to not look bored as I plough through my show again and again. I felt very protective of her tonight as she drunkenly 'danced' and jumped about in the loft bar, particularly when I overheard her whisper to Alex (from the street team) "let's pretend to be imps". Have you ever heard anything more utterly adorable? She's been great and has only forgotton to turn on the microphone once in the whole run which is pretty good going really.

That's me for now. I don't really have anything else to add, and my feet are starting to feel a bit cold so I am going to go to bed.

Seeing as how Chortle have decided to use my quote about Mitch Benn fighting a disabled baby on the front page I'd better explain what actually happened on that day before Mitch finds his way over to me and throws me through a window.

So, here's what actually happened;

We were doing a gig in East Dulwich in the park. It was an afternoon gig in a big marquee and had been orgainised by the East Dulwich Comedy (best club in the world) lot so was naturally going to be a very pleasurable few hours. I was the compere (in character) and had gone on at the beginning (as the compere traditionally does), done a bit of banter, been a bit playfully fighty (as I do when in character) and then brought on the first act (our friend Mitch Benn).

As it was a gig in the afternoon there were a lot of families in there, meaning a lot of kids too. I'd dropped the bad language and toned down the agressive approach, so it came as a shock to me as I stood backstage whilst Mitch was on to hear the word "cunt" being shouted with alarming regularity at a very high volume. I was sure it wasn't Mitch, so stuck my head around to see the culprit.

I was about thirty yards away from the guy in the audience who was shouting. Even from that distance he looked pretty big. It didn't seem to be Mitch that he had taken against, rather the fact that there was a person - any person - on stage at all interrupting his drinking. I watched as the man pushed two of the lasses from East Dulwich Comedy away from him as they tried to placate him, so decided to go out and have a word myself.

Up close, I think the man may have been approximately 8 foot. Same width too. He was enormous, he had no shirt on, he was bright pink (I assume from the sun) and had a scar from his forehead to his chin - then a little break - then from his neck to his waist. He was exceptionally drunk. I very cautiously, and very nervously, approached him. I asked him to keep it down, he swore into my face, I told him security were on their way, he swore violently into my face, I felt my knees go to jelly as I realised this was really happening.

I was sure I was going to get hit badly. Added to this, Mitch had clearly had enough of this idiot and was starting to warm up to the idea of the stand off. Anyone that knows Mitch can vouch for the fact that he truly is a gentle giant, the only way he would break someones neck was by petting them too hard. But this bloke had obviously wound Mitch up to the point of destruction - Hulk smash Hulk smash - you could see it in his eyes as he shouted insults at the pink man to the great amusement of the crowd and to the utter dismay of myself as I was, if you remember, about to get twatted.

Another man stepped between me and the pink man, and I felt a huge swell of relief envelope me. I later found out this new man was pink mans brother. I didn't know this as he picked me OFF the floor. Swear to God, actually held my arms by my side and lifted me off the ground. Now I haven't been picked up since I was four - it was a VERY odd feeling to have my legs just hanging. Another shout came from Mitch and both men were distracted, I was literally tossed away as they both decided to make a beeline for the stage.

The last thing you do, regardless of how big or pink you are, is run TOWARDS an annoyed Mitch Benn. What I saw next will stay with me to my dying day. I sometimes wonder if I dreampt it (both pink man and his brother had kicked me in the head as I lay crumpled on the floor) but I'm sure it happened. Despite the agression and violence of the situation, it was one of the most beautiful, some may say, graceful things I have ever seen. As the pink man got right up to Mitch, going full pelt, fists waving he was stopped dead in his tracks. With unbelievable timing, Mitch swiftly held up one hand and clasped it around the pink mans neck - it literally looked like the pink man had run top speed into an invisible brick wall. Add further kudos to this as I tell you the fact that Mitch still had his guitar strapped to him...what a king.

Then anarchy prevailed. The pink mans brother piled in, the audience were screaming and cheering in equal measure, some of the audience piled in to help split it all up, I got up from my pile on the floor and jumped on the pink mans back as he wrestled with Mitch who was now shouting about how much his guitar was worth.

The police arrived - far too late like - but the riot was eventually tamed. Mitch got his equipment, and more importantly his backing band, out safely, and I had something to talk about as I compered the rest of the gig (yep - show went on - aren't I a trouper?).

So when I said that Mitch started the fight it wasn't actually true, I was just pretending. I did get a bit of a kicking in the riot, but that was hardly the fault of Mitch Benn.

Hope that clears it up.

Oh, almost forgot, he punched the disabled baby as he left the marquee. The baby had nothing to do with the main incident but I think Mitch was still a bit upset.

Come on, we've all punched a disabled baby in the heat of the moment haven't we?

Just read on Stephen Grant's blog that I am very sick.

I think there may have been some crossed wires as I am absolutely fine - I just had a night off the Free Beer Show. Perhaps it was because I was briefly ill the other night and had to pull it, or maybe someone has just been saying I am sick in the mind after reading in the Sunday Times that I defend "Animal Farm" in my show.

But thankyou for your well wishes though Steve - and keep away from MY gig...they have got used to a very low standard of compering and I don't want you going in there and ruining it by being the best compere in the world (like I've always told you that you are) and upsetting them by letting them see what they are missing. You better not have done breakdancing...

Will update with my report back from last night later on, but in case anyone is worrying, it was low audience numbers but a brilliant audience and a hugely enjoyable show. Some people have said they like my show because it is an hour in "good company" (meaning me). Last night I felt that I was in good company also (depsite being abused by a girl in the front row for certain 'choices' I have made in my personal life...I'll tell you later).

Must go back to my sick bed now as I am feeling very very weak from doing this. I'll be back later (although may have to do it from Intensive Care if I get any worse...).

Well, it would appear that not only has the "Sold Out Kid" gone home, he has also taken with him his friend the "Decent Sized Audience Kid" leaving only the "Embarrassingly small audience size that I'm not even going to type but it was double figures but still depressing Kid".

This blog has become a bit of a quandry for me at the moment. I'll tell you the problem. See, this blog is primarily for publicity, just a little effort every day to get your name known a bit more and then perhaps shift a few tickets with recognition. The other reason I thought it would be a good idea is because my show is called "Out Of Character" and is basically about me (the real me - not the 'character' of Ray Peacock), so this blog has been a companion to my show which is - and I hate this word - confessional. So, that's the problem. I am committed to writing a daily thing in order to promote my show, but I also have to be honest, and being honest at the moment with three tough shows on the bounce won''t sell my show.

Do you see?

So what do I do? Do I crack on with the all-important "projected image of success" or do I tell the truth and say I'm in a bit of a slump (which - I might add - I am fucking getting out of tonight come what may at my show) and retain some sort of credibility?

I have to tell you, I AM okay. Have had a few supportive messages through this site, and even more texts from folk sending me their best. I fear I may have provoked the opinion that I am falling apart, and that really isn't the case. I've never done a Fringe before when I haven't had a little blip thing, and I think the past few days have been just that. Really regretting having a day off, it may have knocked me slightly out of stride.

There were three factors to last night's show being a tough one;

Firstly it was a low audience. Like Stephen Grant said about himself in his blog recently, a lot of my on-stage success comes from a two way energy between myself and the folk sat in front of me.

Secondly, it was being filmed. I don't really need to explain that. Two cameras recording every move of it can really jiggle your paranoia.

Thirdly, I found out early on that a bloke in the front was reviewing for Metro. If I was a reviewer I don't think I would reveal myself in a show - even if the performer asked (which I stupidly did). I don't look at which reviewers are coming to my show, and this year have avoided reading them too (with the exception of Chortle which - naturally - I couldn't avoid) for the simple reason that it is distracting. So, not only had I walked out in front of an audience of 20 people tops (looked like less mind you) with camera's whirring, I then found out I would be publicly judged as well as committed to film.

Wasn't a great show. The audience were supportive, I'll never watch the recording, and I don't think it is too defeatist of me to predict the reviewer is going to crucify me (possibly upside down).

I was meant to compere the Free Beer Show last night but came over ill on my way over to Reid Hall. Probably things getting on top of me a bit. Genuine thanks to the brilliant Nick Revell for agreeing to sub for me at literally the last minute. He's a life saver.

I had a brief chat with Wil Anderson before I left Reid Hall. I first met him in 1999 when we were both doing our first Edinburgh Fringe shows. I really enjoyed his company when we used to both be flyering our shows in the, now barbequed, Gilded Balloon Bar on Cowgate. After the fringe he went back to Australia and became hugely famous, but this year he is back over here. His reasons for doing this, that he told me last night, were accidentally inspirational. He has a blog on here too so you can read that to see how he stands, but I feel I should give him a little thankyou, as well as an apology for leaving abruptly without a goodbye after taking the phonecall that interrupted our chat. I wasn't being deliberately rude - I thought I was going to be sick.

I am going to spend the rest of the day getting worked up (in a good way) and charging myself up for a good show tonight. I have just been getting too concerned with technical distractions and perhaps going through the motions slightly on stage. I'm never good when I just regurgitate stuff. In tonight's show I will get a grip - I absolutely promise.

As best as I can.

So, now that we have all recovered from getting misty eyed at my beautiful blog entry yesterday, why not join me now for a thunderously fast and bumpy ride back down to Earth?

Tonight was the worst night of my 2006 fringe. I was going to put "so far" but I really can't see it getting any worse than that.

Started quite well today did though. I went down to the Gilded Balloon and did a really enjoyable radio interview with Festival FM (despite the ungodly hour - Midday for fuck's sake!) then I went and had lunch with my mum in Bonsai before coming back home for a few hours sleep.

Then I went to do my show.

God, I tried to do material. I mean, I really fucking did. Here are the highlights;

1. Stupid girl in front row brings one of those tubes that you turn upside down to make a cow noise.

2. She makes it moo constantly as I try to begin.

3. I confiscate it and keep it onstage.

4. She produces another one and repeats point 2.

5. Some students start getting mouthy.

6. I try and fail to get two of them to go out with each other.

7. One of the female students says she doesn't like my hair.

8. I drag one of the male students backstage, introduce him from the offstage mic and sit and watch him try and do 5 minutes. I find myself with my shirt off (I have no idea how or why this happened but I do recall trying to get the lad to 'milk' me...)

9. An old man starts being mouthy and talking about how he lives in a home as a joke.

10. Old mans wife leans to woman next to her to say the show is rubbish. The woman next to her happens to be my mum.

11. I try to start show.

12. Old man does his 'living in a home joke' again.

13. And again.

14. And again.

15. And again. Exactly the same joke by the way...

16. And again.

17. And again.

18. I open side door to my venue and shout out a request for a 'proper' comedian to come and do my show (secretly praying that Ed Byrne may still be knocking about...).

19. Girl with cow noise tube gets fed up with not having attention and grabs my lightsaber off the stage, swinging it about and basically being a cunt.

20. I pick up girls bag and fling it through the open door (we are relieved of her presence for a Utopian three minutes whilst she goes to retrieve it).

21. I have my head in my hands both figuratively and emotionally.

22. I vocally pray that there are no journalists in.

23. Man in front row reveals himself to be a reviewer from The Scotsman.

24. Old man from 'The Home' starts to berate and threaten the reviewer, saying he won't get home safe.

25. I find myself defending The Scotsman newspaper despite them calling me "shit" last year. Actually I was defending the reviewer as he really hadn't done anything wrong.

26. Cow woman starts goading me with the fact that she also has tickets for the Free Beer Show and is going to sit in the front there too.

Oh, you get the idea, I don't want to log any more of it, doing so is beginning to genuinely upset me in real life.

To quote my alter ego the erstwhile Mr Peacock Proper - "it was a fucking car crash".

Were there any positives? Erm...well. The reviewer came backstage afterwards and told me that if I didn't want him to review it he wouldn't. He reassured me that he'd only write positive things about the show and the fact that I did everything anyone could have done to remedy an impossible situation. I told him my concern was that I didn't want people coming to my show expecting more of the same, as that really isn't what it was about this year - that was the whole point of doing it "Out Of Character". He said he understood, and I told him that it was his call and we shook hands.

I appreciated him doing that - he needn't have come backstage - he could have scurried off into the night and destroyed my show in print. Of course, there's no guarantee he won't do that anyway BUT he did give me the right of reply and went out of his way I felt to reassure me.

The cow woman WAS at the Free Beer Show (which is more than some of the acts were). She was still making her cow noise like a...well..retard (apologies - too tired to work out the PC word for this).

It wasn't funny - it really upset me. I sometimes think that some audience members think that comedians just disappear into thin air when a show is over, and that we don't have feelings. Heckling I can handle all day, even when it is agressive etc. I like a gig fight as much as the next man, but to just be irritated whilst trying to do your job...I'll be honest, I'm having difficulty putting into words what I am trying to say which, I know, kind of defeats the idea of a blog but there we go. I just feel generally that the wind has been knocked out of my sails tonight by the inconsiderate actions of inconsiderate people.

Even when I smashed the cow noise thing to smithereens by stamping on it at the Free Beer Show I couldn't feel entirely liberated.

I know from experience that she has another one.

This is the story of my first ever gig. Don't worry - it's not that long a story.

When I was in the last year of junior school (so about ten years old) I got obsessed with Laurel & Hardy. I'd always watched them avidly up until that point but then my Grandad (who was from Cumbria) took me to the L&H museum in Ulverston. The man who ran the museum, who I think may now have died, was so impressed with this little kid liking the duo so much that he let me try on what he said was one of Oliver Hardy's hats. It may not have been really, but I choose to believe it was. After this my obsession with L&H blossomed dramatically and has never really left me to this day. The most happy I have been in the past few years was the day I purchased the box set of their movies on dvd last year (even though "Flying Deuces" and a couple of others aren't in there due to different copyright ownership and all that bollocks).

Anyway, I'll get back to the point of this, I started - the more obsessed I got - to do short plays during assembly on a Friday morning at school. Me and a lad called Ian Duke (don't really know what happened to him - but I think he may work for the council in London somewhere - but this bit really isn't relevant) would do Laurel & Hardy 'plays' and they became quite the anticipated event as I recall (I may recall incorrectly). The headteacher of Burtonwood County Primary School at the time, Mrs Lyons, used to love them and encouraged me to always do them.

At the same time as all this, I used to really enjoy watching "Live from Her Majesties" on a Sunday night. It was the successor to "Sunday Night at the London Palladium" for those of you old enough to remember, and was a genuinely brilliant variety show hosted by Jimmy Tarbuck. If that has just made you sneer you can fuck off now and never read this blog again. You are not welcome. I will not be drawn into an old school versus new school of comedy argument. It's as difficult a job for everyone and, in my opinion, there should be respect for what has come before regardless of whether it fits into our own remit of what is nowadays 'credible' comedy.

Anyway again, on one of these Sundays, Tarby introduces an "exciting new comic". For the next five or so minutes I laughed and laughed. For some reason I was videotaping the show, and as soon as the comic left the stage I immediately re-wound the tape and watched it again. Then again. And so on.

The following Friday I did my first ever gig, in school assembly. Me on my own for the first time on a stage, doing word-for-word the material of the comic from the previous Sunday. It brought the house down (and I am certain that I haven't remembered it with rose coloured erm, memory...) and a seed was planted in my head and heart to recapture those laughs at some point. I've probably never had a gig like it in my professional career, but I think I may subconsciously be striving for it.

The reason I am telling you all this, is because - despite him becoming a bit of a hero to me at the time, and despite me seeing him perform live and in panto and stuff as he got more successful - I never met the man. It's odd for me that. As a teenager I would go out of my way to meet my heroes. I once spent an incredible evening in deep comedy discussion at the age of seventeen with Rik Mayall and Ben Elton after a gig that they did at the St Helens Theatre Royal. I was always one for waiting backstage for autographs and stuff. I'm still not too proud to get an autograph - I think it's really exciting. But I never met the guy who wowed me on that Sunday night.

Until tonight.

And I am genuinely thrilled that I did, and - you can call me wanky but - I feel like there was a genuine karma to me meeting him upstairs in the Gilded Ballon loft bar. I've done an awful lot of looking back so far during this festival, remembering times when I've struggled to sell tickets up here and times when I have really not enjoyed my job because of the stupid, often self-enforced pressures that accompany the Edinburgh Fringe. You may have got the impression from me recently that I am enjoying doing my gigs up here this year and that would be true (except tonight's show which was truly shit - but let's not ruin the magic of this sentiment I'm imparting to you).

Seeing that comic on "Live from Her Majesties" was a major catalyst in my eventual choice of career. I told him this tonight - he liked that. He reminded me to have fun doing it. He was friendly, and interested, and asked about my show and whether he could come and see it. He shook my hand several times and was genuinely touched by how he had unknowingly influenced the ambition of a ten year old twenty plus years ago who has now begun to (painfully slowly) realise that ambition.

So look, if you don't like that I'm a comedian you can blame him, but I won't hear a word said against him.

Go on.

Blame Bobby Davro.

I'm not sure that having a day off yesterday was the right idea. I am feeling more tired now, and for some reason have got it into my head that in the 48hours between doing my show I will have forgotten it entirely.

I didn't really have a proper day off as my mum has arrived (you may have seen the police outriders as her cab went from Waverley to whatever posh hotel she is staying in) so I had to indulge her with dinner last night. It was a nice dinner though - it was at the George hotel. I would advise you go to the George hotel for your dinner at some point - the service is second to none, but I warn you it is a bit pricey. My advice would be to wait till your mum comes up and then get her a bit drunk so she pays. If you have to know I had lamb shank.

I have just had a text to say that my show is meant to be being filmed tonight for a dvd release (by dvd release I mean that I will get a dvd of the filming and then make my own cover for it and put it on my shelf so that when strangers are in my house they can believe that I had a dvd out). I can't see there being a big audience in tonight so, at the moment, I am trying to get the filming to be done on another day. Not sure I want a film of me trying and trying to a few people for an hour committed to dvd for posterity. Plus, as we know, my mum will be in the audience and she has this habit (entirely unintentional) of speaking out loud at gigs. Just the ocassional "oh, that's terrible" when I say something naughty, but it's still there. I told her last night that she does this but she denied it flatly. This is how I know it is unintentional.

I have decided to start collecting home made topless pictures so why not send yours to me?

Please help me to win this bet.

Ok, you've waited long enough.

Of course everything was ok! How little faith have you got in me? Back on the "Sold Out" board with a vengeance and a really cool audience who made an utter mockery of my claims last week that Monday night crowds are shit (or whatever I said - can't remember).

I've chopped about five minutes out of my show - as I have been starting to get into my stride it has slowly begin to overrun. This is because the audiences find me too funny, which can be a terrible cross to bear and means I have to remove the least good material from my 'hour'. If you have seen my show, then you will know how difficult this would be as my material is definitely my strong point and I don't just get away with gigs by being charming and having a twinkle in my eye...

I eventually decided to take out a bit from the middle about when I got embroiled in a fight at a gig in East Dulwich Park that was started by Mitch Benn (sort of). The story was more scary than funny, but did have me saying the line "I haven't been picked off the ground since I was four" which I always quite liked. Anyway, it's gone now. If you remind me I might put it up on here at some point.

It is my day off today. I've normally scorned days off but last year I decided that should I ever return to the fringe I would definitely have one. So I am. But my mum came up here today and apparently she wants us to go for a "look round". A look round! This is my sixth festival...

I was a bit scared logging on here today when I saw the headline on the Chortle front page. I thought my brilliant jokes about Steve Hall had caused offence and that I was at the centre of another controversy like the time at the fringe when I said "Leave John Leslie alone! Come on...can any of us, hand on heart, say we haven't raped Ulrika Johnsson?".

Oh grow up...it's a fucking joke.

And that's how I feel about the little furore kicking off right now on the front page. I don't really know Steve Hughes very well, only met him a couple of times, so I can't speak for his personal opinions in real life. He's always seemed pretty on the money onstage to me and that's normally a good indication of someones moral fibre I think (there are exceptions obviously, but generally I mean...). I do know Reg fairly well having toured with him, and other than the fact that he has little respect for hotel linen he is also straight down the middle morally. It all seems to have been blown out of all proportion and, dare I say, there is an air of it being maybe personal?

I really wanted to finish this post by putting "And anyway, let's not forget they did kill Jesus" but I thought that maybe people wouldn't see that I was being "ironic" (fucking hate that word in comedy) and being deliberately naughty so decided not to. I think I am losing my bottle...

And that brings me up to speed.

So what happened at my show tonight? Did my mood lift? Did audience figures drop further? Did I re-find my comedic form? Was I allowed to do the Free Beer Show?

I have realised why the programme "24" works so well...because of its cliffhangers. I will answer all the above questions tomorrow. I know you may well be in a state of mild unease at not knowing but you'll be back to find out.

(Actually, I can answer the Free Beer Show question - it's only on from Thursday to Sunday so no, I didn't compere it but neither did anyone else so it's a bit irrelevant).

Sunday 13th August 2006

Yep, spoke too soon. The "Sold Out" kid got stuck in the bathroom or something and it was back down to earth with this evenings show.

I didn't prepare myself properly for the show in fairness. I sat in the Pleasance Green reading "Hamlet" and feeling very self conscious that if I continued I could very well end up being discussed in Russell Kanes Theory of Pretension show. I discussed my paranoia with Marek Larwood as he came out of the Klang show. Marek said that "Hamlet" is a "fucking great" play but I could tell he'd never read it.

Adding to the woe of my lower audience figures tonight was the fact that Alex (or her name might be Emily...not sure...either way she's a lovely girl) one of my street team/flyering people told me that there was a gang of ten girls who wanted to see my show but were just too late to get tickets. I have a feeling they may have made a difference tonight.

All pretty low key onstage this evening, felt in a slightly low mood for some reason which was compounded by the fact that a girl fell asleep in the front row after four minutes. Now that takes some doing. Only a certain level of performance ability can lull someone into slumber that quickly. If the girl in question can keep her eyes open long enough to happen upon this blog, you know, thanks for the tenner and all that (well, thanks on behalf of The Pleasance for the tenner), but I really wouldn't have minded if you'd gone to bed instead. Just so you know for future.

I wandered over to do the Free Beer Show after mine, in a mild state of weariness, to be told that I wasn't meant to be doing it. I was glad of this, which isn't the attitude I have been trying to maintain up here this year, but I am allowed one slip. I said a brief hello to Glen Wool who was almost in tears when he heard I wouldn't be compering. We did a quick private gig together to make him feel better. I hope he did well in the real show...I wasn't allowed on that one.

It is now Saturday

Saturday 12th August 2006

Busy busy day. As I have now broke my duck I decided to see two fringe shows today. I didn't though. I just saw one.

I wanted to go and see the Durham Review. It's okay you can take that quizzical look off your face - I'm not mental, I just know some of them - it's a mates thing (they took it in turns to play a tax inspector at the end of my hugely popular 2005 show "Ray Peacock & Son"). I walked - I'll repeat - WALKED from the other side of town to see their show at the Underbelly. That's a fuck of a long way for someone who doesn't really walk further than the kitchen usually and whos legs haven't finished growing properly yet. And when I got there - was my comp ticket on the door as arranged? Was it bollocks. I WALKED back. And they wonder why my manager pretended to be asleep whilst watching their show last year. I was going to give them some publicity on here as well but instead my review of their show reads as follows: If you see Ed Gamble from the Durham Review punch him in the face and say "that's for not sorting that ticket properly".

The show I DID get to see also needs no publicity from me, they are doing perfectly well on their own thankyou: "We Are Klang: Klangbang". Great show. Really was. If you like them you know what you're getting, if you don't then you never will so you can fuck off. I'm really made up for the three of them that they have such a thriving fan following, they are all cool fellas and fantastic performers (except Steve...but he does well with getting female attention so he's probably a good dancer or something...I bet that oh hang on I've already done that joke a few days ago). What was also a nice touch in the Klang show was the fact that all three of them were gracious enough to acknowledge my presence in their show as a superior performer by gesturing towards me as the audience applauded at the end. My manager (who was in there too) seems to think that this was a gesture to the sound and lighting technician who was sat directly behind me but why would they do that? Like they are gonna get a round of applause for someone who presses buttons! That's just stupid - it was obviously for me so thanks guys!

Now on to my show. Once again, the "Sold Out" kid was back in business. In fact, even though my show starts at 11pm - I was on the "Sold Out" board by 8pm which is probably a record for ANY fringe show. Now, let's try and not get too giddy but my show was great AGAIN tonight - possibly the most consistent show in terms of audience response I have done so far. Despite it being roasting in "The Hut", there was no discernible dip in the regularity of their laughter throughout which means that I either had a mega fluke night or I am finally learning how to do this. Modesty dictates I assume it's a bit of both.

After my show I was on to the Free Beer Show for my compering duties. This was sold out too! That means I sold out two shows tonight and that has NEVER been done on the fringe ever before I reckon. There was rather predictably more breakdancing this evening but there is a twist and it will come as sad and shocking news to many people: I lost my champion crown. I didn't win the breakdancing. It was won this evening/morning by a truly great man called Richard who discovered a natural falir for the art form (and it IS an art form actually) despite looking like that bald bloke from The Goonies. There is not usually a prize for the breakdancing but, so impressive was his spontaneous contribution, I nicked and gave him a Free Beer Show T-shirt.

I concede that Richard is the king of the FBS breakdancing.

For now...

ps. Oh and I finally crossed paths with Steve threestars Bennett as I left Count Arthurs show. He ran away from me the big girls blouse.
_

Ok...so...catch up time. My next few posts will be as though they were on the actual days probably so you may have to indulge yourself with a slight willing suspension of disbelief.

Ahem

Friday 11th August 2006

I saw my first show today. As I said at the time, we are not counting "Copacabana" from the other day as that wasn't part of the fringe. I have to be honest with you, and this is in no way detrimental to the other performers up here who I love to the point of illegality most of the time, but there is only one performer whos show I can always absolutely guarantee I will catch: Count Arthur Strong.

Many years ago I appeared in a TV show for UKPlay/PlayUK called "Terrorville". Not gonna mince words, it really was for the most part a pile of shit, but I am a bit proud of it because (despite us not actually appearing on screen together) I was in the company of Count Arthur Strong. The man is a living legend and the fact that he's not hugely famous proves there isn't a god. And I mean - proves it hands down.

He is starting to get a bit famous though. He did a series on Radio 4 which I am only just getting to hear on CD (you can buy them at his show at the Assembly rooms along with his dvd and you WILL want to buy them I assure you) and a good proportion of his audience were obviously familiar with him from the radio and his previous fringe shows.

I'm not gonna give too much away, the beauty of his shows lies in their unpredictability, all I will say is (Spoiler alert!) the show has the best opening of ANY show I have ever seen. It is controlled, disciplined and near-brave. I also defy you to see anything funnier on this (or any) years fringe than the 'mirror' and the Counts attempt to say "Les Miserables". Go and see it. I fucking mean it.

"Count Arthur Strong: The Musical? "Assembly Rooms, 6.27pm.

My show, for those of you who care, was lovely this evening. I'm saying 'lovely' an awful lot aren't I? But that's because it was. Back on the "Sold Out" board where I rightly belong, and a super cool audience to boot. I also broke my trend of alternate good shows so I'm happy with that too. I really dont recall much about the show...that's a good thing I think. I went home after it and went to sleep.

That was Friday.

I'm back.

I want to write an entry (entries) on here but I have just been reminded that I have to write the "My Edinburgh" thing for Chortle today (for tomorrow) so I'm not really going to be able to say anything on this bit as I have to go and write another bit for the same site which seems stupid but that's the way it is.

So I'll come back here later after I have done that.

I have decided to take a couple of days off writing this blog to give everyone else a turn to catch up.

I have a silly busy weekend and am not going to get the chance to go on the computer to write it, so come on all you other Chortle blog people - pull your finger out. And I think if all those people with no posts on their blogs yet don't update with SOMETHING by the time the prodigal blog son (ie. me) returns, then they should be wiped off the blog board for just getting free publicity for doing nothing.

Yep, I know it's cruel, but you have to be sometimes and I suggest Mr Steve Chortle Man takes the bull by the horns and fucks them all off in favour of great blogging people like me and...well, just me. I would also suggest Mr Steve Chortle puts the three miserly stars (all right Grouchos you pedant) he begrudgingly awarded my amazing show next to the name of my show on the Chorlte listing, like what he has done for everybody else. I had a low audience tonight and I think this is because my stars weren't displayed properly on this site. As predicted it was a dead good show tonight and more people really should have seen it.

Then there was more breakdancing at the Free Beer Show. I am still the reigning champion. I'm fucking great. Oh, and Pat Monahan touched me in a bad way but...and I swear this is true...he didn't overrun. No word of a lie - he came in on time. Expect this to be the headline on the main Chortle page within the hour.

I know you will miss me during my brief absence. In a way I will miss you too. Let's just do our best shall we? If it gets too much you could always come to my show over the weekend? Could be a laugh...

I have just had a text from a gay friend of mine telling me that one of his friends stole one of my posters and wanked over my bare front.

I am not sure how I am meant to feel about this.

Just been reading about Jim Jeffries being dropped by the BBC for a religious discussion programme with Steven Allen Green from christian Voice.

It's fucking...makes me so...for fuck's sake...just...fucking hell.

I simply don't fucking get it. I don't understand at all. I didn't get it over Jerry Springer The Opera and I don't get it now.

Why is this 'Green" bloke and his horrifically offensive 'organisation' being given any publicity at all? Why is he even allowed on the telly?

I was going to write a post here ripping him and his views to shreds, but, despite the ease of this, what with his and his posse's views being SO childish, hypocritical and inconsistent, I just can't be arsed...

To be honest, having read some of the myriad of complaint letters and death threats that still arrive at the Avalon office about Jerry Springer The Opera (often written in crayon and usually using literally EVERY available bit of space on a hastily torn out sheet of A4 paper) there would have been no point in Jim going on the programme for a "discussion" anyway. A discussion would involve some sort of understanding of where the other persons argument is coming from. I don't think either party would have managed that, given that Steve Allen Green will not budge an inch on any of his vitriolic 'views' and Jim, despite clearly being an intelligent (if evil and blasphemous) man would not have been able to decipher just what christain Voice are so upset about. Like a pre-speech baby suddenly getting violent with one of its toys, you'll just never know what prompted it...

They are extremists, and Sky News has got me scared enough today (to the point where I am beginning to think it may even be deliberate...no, surely not...) to know that extremists are not a good thing. And, by the way, if I can't take my ipod on my flight home in a few weeks I will be shitting pink. Flying scares me at the best of times - I do not want to have to deal with it without an episode and a half of Family Guy to distract me.

But back to our friend Mr Green...

Look. (In my opinion) He's an absolute fucking maniac who spouts 'facts' that, I'm pretty sure, are often illegal and inciting. I just think that christian Voice should be ignored, it's the only way to combat them. They are a gang of teenage kids kicking a ball against the side of your house to get a rise out of you...if you don't look through the curtains they'll eventually go away.

And I've just realised that that's exactly what I'm NOT doing with this post so I'm going to stop. It's difficult isn't it?

And yes -I did deliberately use a lower case 'c' every time I mentioned christian Voice. If they are going to be infantile then so am I.