22/08/06
Mitch Benn vs disabled baby: The truth -
Categories: Seeing as how Chortle have decided to use my quote about Mitch Benn fighting a disabled baby on the front page I'd better explain what actually happened on that day before Mitch finds his way over to me and throws me through a window.
So, here's what actually happened;
We were doing a gig in East Dulwich in the park. It was an afternoon gig in a big marquee and had been orgainised by the East Dulwich Comedy (best club in the world) lot so was naturally going to be a very pleasurable few hours. I was the compere (in character) and had gone on at the beginning (as the compere traditionally does), done a bit of banter, been a bit playfully fighty (as I do when in character) and then brought on the first act (our friend Mitch Benn).
As it was a gig in the afternoon there were a lot of families in there, meaning a lot of kids too. I'd dropped the bad language and toned down the agressive approach, so it came as a shock to me as I stood backstage whilst Mitch was on to hear the word "cunt" being shouted with alarming regularity at a very high volume. I was sure it wasn't Mitch, so stuck my head around to see the culprit.
I was about thirty yards away from the guy in the audience who was shouting. Even from that distance he looked pretty big. It didn't seem to be Mitch that he had taken against, rather the fact that there was a person - any person - on stage at all interrupting his drinking. I watched as the man pushed two of the lasses from East Dulwich Comedy away from him as they tried to placate him, so decided to go out and have a word myself.
Up close, I think the man may have been approximately 8 foot. Same width too. He was enormous, he had no shirt on, he was bright pink (I assume from the sun) and had a scar from his forehead to his chin - then a little break - then from his neck to his waist. He was exceptionally drunk. I very cautiously, and very nervously, approached him. I asked him to keep it down, he swore into my face, I told him security were on their way, he swore violently into my face, I felt my knees go to jelly as I realised this was really happening.
I was sure I was going to get hit badly. Added to this, Mitch had clearly had enough of this idiot and was starting to warm up to the idea of the stand off. Anyone that knows Mitch can vouch for the fact that he truly is a gentle giant, the only way he would break someones neck was by petting them too hard. But this bloke had obviously wound Mitch up to the point of destruction - Hulk smash Hulk smash - you could see it in his eyes as he shouted insults at the pink man to the great amusement of the crowd and to the utter dismay of myself as I was, if you remember, about to get twatted.
Another man stepped between me and the pink man, and I felt a huge swell of relief envelope me. I later found out this new man was pink mans brother. I didn't know this as he picked me OFF the floor. Swear to God, actually held my arms by my side and lifted me off the ground. Now I haven't been picked up since I was four - it was a VERY odd feeling to have my legs just hanging. Another shout came from Mitch and both men were distracted, I was literally tossed away as they both decided to make a beeline for the stage.
The last thing you do, regardless of how big or pink you are, is run TOWARDS an annoyed Mitch Benn. What I saw next will stay with me to my dying day. I sometimes wonder if I dreampt it (both pink man and his brother had kicked me in the head as I lay crumpled on the floor) but I'm sure it happened. Despite the agression and violence of the situation, it was one of the most beautiful, some may say, graceful things I have ever seen. As the pink man got right up to Mitch, going full pelt, fists waving he was stopped dead in his tracks. With unbelievable timing, Mitch swiftly held up one hand and clasped it around the pink mans neck - it literally looked like the pink man had run top speed into an invisible brick wall. Add further kudos to this as I tell you the fact that Mitch still had his guitar strapped to him...what a king.
Then anarchy prevailed. The pink mans brother piled in, the audience were screaming and cheering in equal measure, some of the audience piled in to help split it all up, I got up from my pile on the floor and jumped on the pink mans back as he wrestled with Mitch who was now shouting about how much his guitar was worth.
The police arrived - far too late like - but the riot was eventually tamed. Mitch got his equipment, and more importantly his backing band, out safely, and I had something to talk about as I compered the rest of the gig (yep - show went on - aren't I a trouper?).
So when I said that Mitch started the fight it wasn't actually true, I was just pretending. I did get a bit of a kicking in the riot, but that was hardly the fault of Mitch Benn.
Hope that clears it up.
Oh, almost forgot, he punched the disabled baby as he left the marquee. The baby had nothing to do with the main incident but I think Mitch was still a bit upset.
Come on, we've all punched a disabled baby in the heat of the moment haven't we?
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