07/12/06
And on it goes... -
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I was well up for updating this blog last night - really was - but then I did a gig in Winchester and it put me in a bad mood so I decided to let you all off.
Gigs get all weird as the run up to Christmas starts, people in the audience are either overly up for it or too distracted to care.
I did a gig at the University of Gloucestershire the other night and it really should have been a fucking nightmare, as up until the time I got on the stage (I was headlining), proceedings had been dominated by some stupid fucking girl in the front row who had taken it upon herself to keep standing up and shouting out and waving her arms and all of that shit. She was clearly coked off her fucking tits (a fact later confirmed by her associates) and an absolute pain in the arse to anyone and everyone. I have major issues with drug culture. How fucking dull and without soul must you be to need cocaine on a night out? Not being a grandad about it but I just think that there is rarely a more objectionable site or experience than crossing paths with a coke-head. It is utterly unnattractive.
The coke girl had gone by the time I got to the stage, but not before turning from the shouty "up for a laugh" (those inverted commas are SO important there...) lass into a nasty little bitch screaming obscenities and bragging that she will make more of her life than being a "fucking stand up comedian".
I'm clinging to the hope that she was found dead with crusted nostrils and covered in her own rancid vomit in the toilets this morning to make myself feel better. Is that too harsh? If you'd seen her you perhaps wouldn't think so...
Thing was, once she left the gig it was a happy room, but up until then it had been a fucking nightmare. Just shows how one egomaniac can ruin a good night. It was nice for me not to be that person for a change.
The same can't be said for my gig in Winchester last night. I was compere and they took against me from the second I stepped foot on the stage. It was like the late show in Brighton the other week all over again, but this time with passive aggression instead of balls out vitriol. The audience were just a bit sneery (not all of them, but enough), and the problem is, when they are like that, I just get sneery back. And perhaps a little nasty and sulky. It's all very childish. On everybody's part.
Yet it wasn't the audience that ultimately pissed me off last night, it was one of the acts.
Yes sir, I'm going to go there...
After 15 minutes of me compering to these humourless fuckers, which had mainly involved me resorting to pretend insults and critiquing the mural that was painted on the back of the stage, I got them all clapping and cheering for their first act, Alex Lasarev. After I announced his name, Alex stayed sat in his seat, refusing to come onto the stage and shouting that he didn't want to do it. It was a jokey reluctance, and I went over to him and encouraged him to get up there. The audience didn't go for it too much but it was worth a crack on his part to do something different. He went onto the stage and started critiquing the mural, just as I had done. In keeping with the bantering mood he had set between the acts I shouted out "I tried that it doesn't work, they don't like it". He then said back to me, with a kind of angry face "that's because you are shit".
Now.
I don't want to get in a bitching session on here. I've really resisted being shitty about anyone personally in this blog, but I can't let this one go. I was fucking incensed. There was a little smattering of applause after he said it, as the 20 strong audience (yes 20 - that was all it was) had their dislike of me vindicated by one of the acts. Thing was, I hadn't been at my best, but where the fuck is the solidarity? It should have been clear to any other comic that the audience were a tough nut to crack (as Alex found out in the rest of his set), but I felt it kind of disrespectful for a comic to be joining in with the crowd against the compere. And, okay, maybe if there had been a joke, I could have laughed it off, but it was literally calling me 'shit', which isn't really a very good joke and just, well, like I said, disrespectful.
My temptation right now is to lay into him and be cutting about his act and general demeanour but I'm not going to. As I was driving home I remembered that I happen to have a video of him dying on his arse in leather trousers at the Frog and Bucket just before I went onto the stage and ripped the roof off, and was all up for shoving it on YouTube and linking back to it here, but I guess that would discredit my point (and I don't really have the technological know-how to do it anyway). I feel that we should be working as a team on tough nights, not being fucking sheep and pandering to the hostility of that sort of audience. Comedic warriors and all that...
In the second half, I put in a bit of effort and won the gig round, but it was little consolation.
To be honest, I think Alex was already in a bit of a moody because when we were waiting for the gig to begin, he noticed that his picture on the poster was bigger than the one of Stefano Paolini, despite the fact that Stef was the headline and Alex was support. I don't know if it was meant to be a boast, or a dig, or simply borne of insecurity but for some reason Alex, with a smile, asked Stef if it bothered him that his picture wasn't bigger. Stefano replied "as long as my cheque is, I couldn't give a fuck".
Anyway. Point is, Alex has made the list...
So what else?
I did do some great gigs this last week too. I did Tony Cowards gig in Billericay (at Billericay F.C) which should have been awful but was a joy to play. To be honest, it was worth it for the open spot (a guy called Trevor - his act consisted of him essentially listing his C.V and talking about how he is a referee and maths teacher - shouldn't have worked...sort of didn't...but that's why it did...) who I could have watched for another half hour quite happily. He would have done another half hour happily too, if he hadn't been dragged from the stage. It was a chatty audience when I walked on at the end (par for the course for me as we know), but they were dead good natured and we had a really enjoyable 45 minutes of banter. Great club - shouldn't be, but is.
Sunday night I went up to Manchester to see Oasis do an intimate secret gig at the Lowry theatre. I say Oasis, it was just Noel and Gem, but it was an accoustic set so was a bit special. There were footballers and showbizzy folk in the audience. Myself and Peter Kay represented the comedy community. We didn't sit together like.
Overall I didn't really enjoy it, partly because of the audience who had clearly overdone it on the pop and were very heckly (and I would advise any aspiring comic who is worrying about hecklers to try and catch Noel Gallagher performing to a crowd of cunts - immaculate razor sharp put-downs - I felt put to shame by his quick-witted slamming), but the main problem was the venue.
I performed at the Lowry theatre last year on the Edinburgh and Beyond tour, and it really wrong footed all of the performers that night. See, it looks beautiful, it's pretty new and nicely decked out, but there is simply no atmosphere in there. I didn't fully realise the reason for this until I sat in the audience on Sunday, but fuck, it's a rubbish theatre. Not the big theatre there, apparently that's lovely, but the smaller venue. Dreadful sitelines, poor acoustics, just a major example of style over content. If it had been my first experience of a theatre I would never have gone back to any theatre ever again. Somebody with a bit of fucking intelligence needs to oversee the arts centres in this land, they are ironically butchering the arts with their cack-handed efforts in my outspoken opinion.
And that's me for now I think. Been a bit ranty this tonight, hasn't it? Sorry about that - it's December and I've started to get the end-of-term attitude of being a bit gobby and unarsed about behaving. I'll try and get it in check by next time.
And while I think on - can all the people who have emailed or PM'd me about this blog at any point send me their addresses please? I may have a Christmas gift for you all if I can sort it out in time. Just send them in the feedback bits (comments aren't displayed until I have cleared them, and I naturally won't publish your personal details), or send them on a PM (Private message) to me via the Chortle Forums. You don't have to, but it will be your loss if you don't.
I promise I won't stalk you.
If only I could get you to promise the same...
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