09/04/07
Work on bank holiday weekend -
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My onstage unpredictability is in danger of becoming predictable.
Perhaps it already has.
Friday night was another compering evening at the Comedy Cellar in Bracknell. Before the gig I was chatting to Katherine from the Comedy Company (that's yet another mention K - people will say we're in love...) about the fact that I couldn't do material as compere there because I've recently done the gig so often. She correctly pointed out that I haven't actually ever really done material there, so that was that excuse out the window, but I am sure that one day that gig will trip me up. So far it has been nothing short of brilliant every time I have done it, and Friday was no exception. But there was still no material in sight from me.
So, here is the story of the onstage events.
Went up and had a little chat about it being Easter and that, then within less than a minute got distracted by a lad in the front row. My sexuality is beyond question as every girl must surely know just by my masculine aura, and because I am secure within it I have no problem in telling you that he was a good looking fucker, all blonde-haired and tanned and tasteful piercings and tatoos. Something within me got childishly jealous of him being blessed with such outstanding features whilst I have been mocked by god with my looks and physique, and given that I have just completed my first week of weight training with little noticeable difference beside bulging biceps and slightly firmer tits/pecs, I wanted him to join me on stage for a series of comparisons for the ladies present.
This very soon turned into a competition, as I found myself onstage without my top off (yet again) with a better looking bloke topless next to me (yet again) to further highlight my physical ridiculousness. So I decided that over the course of the evening myself and Dan (that was his name) would compete against each other to decide who was, and I quote, 'bestest'. I should really start warning these audience members about how fiercely competitive I can be over the most unimportant things.
First up was a race to see who could do the most press-ups in ten seconds. It was originally going to be thirty seconds until I realised that there was little chance I would survive beyond ten. I know this because it is normally around the ten second mark in sexy situations that I start to work out ways to get myself on the bottom - or at the very least behind, so that I am not supporting my ample weight on just my arms.
So, after some fannying about finding an adjudicator in the audience who could fucking count, the press ups began. I did eighteen. Seriously! Fucking eighteen in ten seconds! Have you seen me? And I wasn't even out of breath so my training this week has done some good.
Dan did 19 like a cunt.
I was heartbroken and got the first act on, ironically John Robbins who had been present during my last partial nudity endurance show in Bristol the other week.
After the break came the next challenge, where I had cleverly decided to do something that I was good at to re-address the balance and give me a fighting chance to win.
So we did eating.
Two bags of crisps each, first to finish won the round.
There was mumblings that I fixed it and made it easier for myself by having 'ready salted' whilst giving him a pack of 'salt & vinegar' and a pack of 'cheese & onion', and some people said they saw me empty one of my bags down the back of the stage, but that was probably just people from Dan's table being all strict and trying to make it look like he won when he didn't. And anyway, he fucking cheated by crushing them all up whilst we were doing the pre-match interviews (he thought I didn't notice that) so that he could just pour them into his mouth, but little did he know that he was up against somebody who was well fucking good at eating.
So it was one all, and I brought on headline act Scott Capurro.
Naturally, given Dan's outward appearance he was targetted by Scott throughout as a potential partner, and by the time I got back on the stage at the end of the evening, I announced to the audience that enough was enough.
Dan had played along gamely all night, but unlike some audience members in that situation who can get giddy and start interjecting all the time, Dan merely spoke when he was spoken to. And he was a funny lad too - when I asked him at the beginning of the night if his parents knew about his tattoo he announced that they were dead. Sensing his fib, I asked him how they died and he said 'car crash'. The he left a little pause and said "...and AIDS", which I thought was fucking brilliant comedy timing. So, point is, he had been perfectly splendid (to use a Bracknell word) and we the acts had been borderline cruel to him. I said that the third and decisive challenge between us was cancelled, and that we should just end the show with a hug of solidarity.
And he fucking fell for it too.
As soon as his arms were around me I threw him to the floor, pinning him to the ground for a count of three and then standing to goad him and revel in my winning the competition. Yeah, some people booed and thought it was unfair, but fuck it - he came on my patch and tried to be better than me, just by being all good looking and sitting at the front and that. He learnt a very valuable lesson in that I am simply not to be trusted. Not ever.
In all seriousness, the throw was far more rough than I ever meant it to be, and his head missed a table at the front by all of an inch. He went to ground like the proverbial sack of shit and I fell on top of him, and when he got up it was gingerly. I thought I'd really hurt the lad, and felt awful as it was only meant to be a joke. I checked a couple of times with him that he was okay, and he said he was, but I really should start taking note of these people who tell me that I don't know my own strength (usually after I have physically hurt them in some sort of playful way). It's only a matter of time before I break somebody.
Anyway, sorry Dan. I'll concede that you are the better looking of us, so I guess you win in that department.
Great gig that Bracknell one though - don't know if I mentioned?
Conversely (and most unusually), Saturday at EDComedy was a far more subdued affair. Before the gig, myself and Ron (who is in charge of pressing buttons) were speculating that all the people present were the ones who hadn't gone away for easter, and so were probably lonely and lacking in social skills and more than likey without friendship. It then ocurred to myself and Ron that we were there too - so it was applicable to us also and we were losers too.
I think I might have liked to have gone away for Easter, I've just sat and been jealous of the fact that other people have whilst I have been working, and then I start thinking about where they have gone and who with and all of that, and really feel like I am missing out. Not after sympathy or anything, just saying that I think I would have liked to have gone away.
So the gig was a little subdued - I was still hawking my playfullness from the previous night as an act and they just wanted to see some fucking jokes I think. All the acts did good, and I got them on stage on time and that, and had little moments of fun with some of the audience, but it was nowhere near my finest hour. Always nice to go down there though, if only to see Ron and Emma who run it - always good company.
And that's it - got a few days off now till Fopp on Tuesday night, so am gonna do a bit of reading, playstation and of course, writing. Going to try and get some sleep too - Bethany Black stayed for a couple of nights again, which meant some long, deep conversations until the sun rose. So, I'm starting my Easter break now so I don't have to sit and sulk about what a great time you are having. And I'm going to be doing brilliant things as well - unique showbiz things, proper adventures, things that you would never get to do...
Right, where's that new jigsaw?
Hope you had a nice break x
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