14/04/07
Another day -
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Unlike normal human beings, when I have a rubbish day I have the luxury of being able to come on here and have a whinge about it. However, unlike normal human beings, it doesn't take much for me to classify something as a rubbish day. Often, as in cases like today, it is for hardly any reason at all.
The malaise started in the early hours of Friday morning. I went to my local Tescos (because I do exciting things like that, I just literally think "Know what? It's 4am and I'm going to just go to the supermarket - and I don't even need anything"), and returned with a copy of Total Film magazine.
I don't buy specific magazines (with the exception of Rugby League World) on a regular basis, I just tend to pick and choose as the mood takes me, such is the impulsiveness of my existence, and this particular tome was purchased simply because it had some old Star Wars pictures inside it, but as I flicked through it I found myself becoming increasingly uneasy. I was finding that their reviews of movies I had seen where in direct contradiction to what I had thought about the films.
For example, the other week at the cinema I watched TMNT and then The Hills Have Eyes 2 on the same night. Other than the Star Wars marathons which don't really count as they are all the same thing, I'd never watched back to back movies at the cinema before, and the idea of watching two such disparate films in tone and content back-to-back was too good a chance to miss. It meant I had to have two hotdogs, and if you have seen the beginning of The Hills Have Eyes 2 you will know that having a ketchup soaked hotdog is perhaps the last thing you want to be dealing with, but it was worth it because, in my own way, I really enjoyed both flicks.
So imagine my unease when I found out this morning that I was wrong.
Such a stupid thing to get upset about, I am aware, but there we go. It was that feeling you get when you say you like something and then somebody says "oh noooo". And, don't get me wrong, people have every right to say "oh noooo", indeed, I have been the person saying "oh noooo" on plenty of occasions, but it really isn't nice to feel as though what you feel is incorrect and you may be...well...out of touch.
Anyway.
Then I got myself in a bit of a weird one because I remembered something from ages ago that a TV Producer said to me in a casting that hadn't made sense to me at the time, but then this morning it fell into place as I realised what had happened.
We had been discussing my blog in the meeting, and he had said that he found it "pulled no punches". A little further into the discussion and he was saying that I came across as "ruthless" and "harsh".
Now, when you are in these casting situations as a performer, you kind of want to give a good account of yourself and come across as likeable and what-have-you, so at the time I just figured that I should try and prove otherwise if this was the image this dude had gotten of me from this, and went about the rest of our meeting being as charming and amiable as I could be and all was left well, but afterwards I started to get a little concerned that somebody could judge me that way from this.
I mean, I know I have my moments, but I think I'm for the most part relatively open and fair on here, and I couldn't work out why a persons general overview of me from this would be that I was ruthless or harsh or both.
Then this morning it clicked into place.
I typed "Ray Peacock blog" into Google and it all made sense.
See, the year before I started this one, I did a blog online written as the "character" of Ray Peacock. It was an interesting experiment to write in character, I was essentially forcing myself to write new material and fictional situations on a daily basis, and sometimes linking the fictional characters existence into real life situations, I thought it would be a cool thing for anybody that had seen me live - almost like a deleted scene in addition to what they had seen at gigs.
It basically gave 'him' an existence beyond the stage, and was equally helpful for me in making him a more developed character for that years (2005)fringe show Ray Peacock & son . It had started well and I had been committed to it, before falling off dramatically when I actually got up there as is so easy to do when dealing with the distractions that August in Edinburgh throws up (despite the fact that, like this one, that had been the whole fucking point of starting it). The last post had been on August 6th 2005 promising to get back on track the following day which for one reason or another I never did, but there were a shitload of entries before then, and as it was in character, and I didn't care as to how ugly I came across (not like the shallow and vain me now - have you seen that new picture of me on MySpace? How fucking gorgeous have I been photoshopped into being?) I think it would be fair to say that it's overriding image was pretty ruthless and harsh.
I mean, I must stress, it was funny - having read a lot of it this morning I would go as far to say that it was really fucking funny, but to an outside eye...
Yep...ruthless and harsh.
It was funny though I assure you. Well I thought it was. That said, I liked TMNT and The Hills Have Eyes 2...
So I am presuming he had read the wrong blog, and fearing that others may have done the same, I went through it this morning and deleted the lot. I've saved it like, if anybody was desperate to read it again I can send you a copy, but the idea that people would see me onstage now and then go look me up on the net and find that, with no knowledge that it was tongue in cheek or a character or anything...well...best to get rid of it and I did.
But it made me pissed off with myself that I may have cost myself a job with it in some way, and the mood continued from there. I hadn't slept for over 24 hours, and every time I tried to the kid from next door kept coming round and knocking on my front door because his football had come over again, and then my weekends plans were completely decimated by the fact that my gig on Sunday was cancelled today (when did clubs start basing whether a show would go ahead on advance ticket sales? Didn't it used to be that people just turned up to comedy? I don't think I have ever bought advanced tickets for a run of the mill gig), and then Saints were on telly but it was a rubbish game (if it's any less than brilliant I sulk because I stupidly allow myself to really look forward to watching the live games on TV), and so on and so forth.
I just have a general sense of unease about me, and over next to nothing too, but there we go, ain't that just me?
I really should try and fucking sleep.
And I haven't got a gig till next Wednesday now so it's only going to get worse. You might want to not read this blog for a bit, I wouldn't want to drag you down with me.
That would be ruthless and harsh, which of course I am not.
Not all the time anyway.
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