Anyone who remembers my Edinburgh show (or has my DVD) will know of my invention for spring-loaded toilet seats.

Here's Matthew Parris of the times thinking he's invented them instead.

Grrrrr.

I'm swirling around a glass of 18 year old Caol Ila, in a pretentious but 'not as pretentious as if it was brandy' fashion to mark a personal milestone.

That is - the day that just passed, the 21st Feb 2007, is the 10th anniversary of my first ever stand-up gig. To the day.

I'm not sure if tonight's gig was representative or not of the last decade. I was compering the Comedy Store's Bournemouth gig at the LandMarc - a venue with a roof so high you could get more people in if you turned the building on its side. OK, it's not the Adelphi, but with 180 people in the room and a substantial three figure fee for a mid-week gig, this was worlds apart from gig no. 1.

Gig 1. Hmmm. I'm sure I'm not alone in the comedy fraternity in remembering most of my first ever gig quite vividly. It was in a pub function room, the 'maternity ward' of all stand-up comedy; above a pub called The Good Companions in Brighton. I'd been the week before and watched the acts who did 5 minutes each be so cataclysmically hopeless that it gave me great confidence that I could be easily better. That confidence unfortunately evaporated about 2 hours before the show, when I became a nervous wreck. I was so sure I would be physically sick just before (or during) my stint I put a large plastic bag in a coat pocket to vomit into just in case.

In fact, it went well. I got laughs, they liked me, and even when I forgot what came next, they accepted my mild on-stage panic. I left to applause, and I felt like I'd taken the worlds best drug. What a buzz. The material was about a months worth of ideas I'd written down shortly after a relationship had gone sour, and was the result of a need to be both creative and isolated; that frankly, was the making of me.

I remember what I said, when I said it, what I wore, and the audience's faces. Gig 2 went well, but I'm not so clear on what I did or said. Gig 3 however was abortively bad; so thank God I'd already had gig 1 and gig 2 by then, because I would never have got hooked if this utter death happened to be gig 1. In a strange sort of way, I miss the nauseating sense of nerves I got before that fateful day. It was definitely the reason for the size of the buzz I got when it was over.

Nowadays, I only seem to get nervous when the gig has a 'career' implication. I'll be honest. I simply don't get bothered by a gig beforehand, regardless of how unplayable or technical it may appear. I know I can do well enough so I don't fret that much. But when the show is being used to 'showcase' your skills to the wider world, like the Montreal show I did two weeks ago, I feel rattled. And in a small way, that nervousness is nice. It reminds me of the buzz I felt when a gig went well in the early days, and it's a good motivator.

I'm not saying that buzz has gone altogether now; but because this is now my profession and everything I've aimed for in 10 years, my biggest sense of joy comes from the execution of a job well done. Likewise, the gutted feeling of a performing death (which isn't really that common) is only really replaced these days with the frustration and disappointment of knowing I haven't done my best. It's a far cry from the rollercoaster I got in the first year or two when everything was new. I sometimes meet newer acts who long to be in my position, but in fairness that rushing feeling you get on stage when you are new to it all often does not last, and I really miss it in day to day gigs. I still get it from things like playing the big theatres and the TV shows I go on, but like any drug, you need bigger and more powerful hits if you want to keep the buzz alive. You just don't get high going to work.

But tonight, bizarrely, I got that tingly feeling. Because sat at the back of this usually quite unremarkable gig (other than the fact that they get 180 people in when the football is on - massive respect for that) was Don Ward from the Comedy Store, who had chosen tonight to come down to see how his franchised show was getting on. This is not something he does all that regularly (2nd visit, according to the staff), and for some reason (probably the fact that I don't do regular weekends at the London Store), I was a little unnerved by his presence.

With that sense of trepidation bubbling around my veins, I went on stage, and remembered for the zillionth time that actually, the nerves are *not* my friend. They make me hurry up, stumble over words, and lose focus. I overran - something I rarely, rarely do - and was cursing myself for the rest of the evening (which was perfectly good, and to all intents and purposes, so was I - but I was totally aware of what I'd done wrong).

So, in the end, I did alright; not as good as I hoped, but certainly good enough to convince a room that I had the ability and got the all important laughs. And while you should never summarise something as extensive as a ten year stint in a brand new career into a single gig, I think my review of my own performance is a fair summary of the last ten years as well. I've carved myself a nice career and it's still moving along; never running, but never stagnating either. There's been flashes of the brilliant, both intentional and unintentional, and the strongest positive is that even when I've done well, there's been signs I could be even better. That'll easily push me along for another five years. I'll just have to find extra reasons to push just as hard for the next five after them.

So here's to another ten years. Cheers!

Oh for fuck's sake.

Did I say I had a sense of foreboding? Hmmm? Well, guess what, I'm on last - out of 12 acts! Sigh. What's wrong with nestling nicely in the middle? The running order was picked at random by the Store acts on Friday night. Here it is.

Ben Hurley
Shappi Khorsandi
Miles Jupp
Micheal McIntyre
Interval
Paul Sinha
Tommy Campbell
Jon Richardson
Ray Peacock
Interval
Rob Rouse
Mark Olver
Arnab Chanda
Stephen Grant

So, if you're still there at midnight, see you then. I also noticed that I forgot to mention a few extra people who weren't listed on the Chortle listings; so they are...

Rob Rouse
Who is probably the most 'famous' person on the list, what with his telly work and so forth. I've not seen him live for a few years though so I'm not sure what he'll do, but last time I saw him he was gloriously silly and so full of energy he made me look deadpan by comparison.

Miles Jupp
I'm a good friend of Miles and I love his act. Actually, if the JFL people were looking for someone who can pull off that quintessential 'Britishness' that the rest of the world adores, it's him. He might be the dark horse for the night.

Ben Hurley
He's first on - which can be a tough slot to fill - but Ben's a natural raconteur and I can't see him having any problems getting some strong laughs from the night. He's one of those people who's as naturally funny off stage as he is on it, and I hope that comes across.

Sarah Kendall is ill unfortunately, which is a pity. Oh well - onwards and upwards. I'd better start thinking what stuff I'm going to do. I hope people don't massively overrun or I'll be there well into Tuesday. Literally - my last train home is around midnight.

I've just noticed on Chortle's blogs that the new blogger, Bethany Black (hello!) has already embarked on writing her 2008 Edinburgh show.

Well, if you want to know why I've been conspicuous by my blogging absence recently, it's because I've been sweating over my 2007 show. You know, the one that's really very very soon indeed.

This year is a first year for me where it really will be written from scratch. Previous shows have always taken a theme from routines I had already written and explored them to make something more substantive. This year, I have a theme, and that's it. I'm confident that under pressure, I will deliver a good show (and hopefully an even better one than the 2006 effort, but I'm not that confident - yet).

Anyway - Edinburgh chat is best put aside for another time; the purpose of this blog is to talk about what I'm doing on Monday night (i.e., tonight, at the time of writing).

Firstly, what I'm not doing, is Leicester Comedy Festival. I was supposed to be doing my one hour show at Haali followed by a spot at Spiky Mike's (award winning) Derby club, but something else came up that my agent told me was absolutely essential for my career, so the LCF had to be dropped. Sorry to anyone involved or who was angling to see me; but apparently, the gig I have lined up is oh so much more important.

It is the Montreal Just For Laughs showcase at the Comedy Store - and for want of a better definition, it's a sodding comedy competition. I feel the surge of an 9 year old shiver I've not felt since 1998 (when I was last in a competition), and that nausea hasn't been sorely missed.

Don't get me wrong; it is a showcase, but that word is hardly better in my book than 'contest'. If I get a phonecall or email offering me a gig where it will be a great 'showcase' of my abilities the hand hovers over the 'end call' button - because it's PR parlance for 'absolutely no money whatsoever'.

What makes it a contest is that the ten people involved are all vying for a slot (or two, depending on what they think) at the next Montreal Just for Laughs comedy festival. As you might gather, this is a major deal. But with ten acts on the bill, we're only getting approximately 8 minutes to do our stuff and that's not long at all, especially when my usual sets hover around the 40 minute mark.

But it's the 'competition' part of it that grates the most. I believe stand-up comedy is a form of entertainment where multiple acts work best when co-operatively enhancing the evening. My personal belief is that it never works as well when people secretly want their colleagues to die horribly. That's not a commonly shared view, by the way; many fellow comics openly admit that they love to follow an act who has been hopeless, so that 'comparitively' they hit the ground running as the audience breathe a collective sigh of relief that 'this one's funny' (you get the picture). I don't subscribe to that view though. I'd much rather follow someone who's rocked the joint than someone who's stank it out. I followed Harry Hill once after only a couple of years doing stand-up and had a great gig; I honestly felt like I was riding on the coat-tails of his momentum; it was fun.

Furthermore, the atmosphere can be frosty backstage and the fact that you don't have a nice chunk of time to establish yourself makes you worry about the time you do have. None of these factors add up to a good 'showcase' gig. Additionally, this multi-act fest has no compere so judging the mood of the crowd in an instant will be essential. So therefore, your position in the running order is critical. And apparently that's being pulled from a hat on the night. Hmmm. I have bad experiences of this mythical 'hat' - at the Daily Telegraph Open Mic Awards in 1999 I was pulled out of it first, to go on first, in the final. Whether it was or it wasn't bad luck, who knows; but I knew fairly quickly that any chances I had of winning were minimal. I have a feeling in my gut that history may repeat itself. Hope I'm wrong.

It's not all doom and gloom though; the lineup features quite a few performers I consider to be good friends so it will be lovely to see them; and the gig is at the Comedy Store which is always a joy to play too. The show itself has a strong reputation so the audience is likely to be appearing in good numbers; and apparently the critera on who gets picked is nowhere near as simple as 'who gets the most laughs' as the producers already have a strong idea of what sort of packaged shows they will be delivering for this year's festival.

If you're going, I'm sure you'll love it. Here's my little 'preview' of all the people appearing.

Arnab Chanda
The only person on the bill I haven't worked with. However I've heard good things about him and he's sent me some very nice emails. I know you shouldn't be able to tell how funny someone is by something as simple as a 'can I have a gig' message but you get this vibe with him that he's well advanced of his experience and I'm looking forward to catching his act.

Jon Richardson
If the Chortle 'compere of the year' award actually focussed on people who were jobbing comperes, for whom compering is 90% of their work, and the critera considered the purpose of compering (making the room as focussed and good for the other acts as possible) then Jon would be bang up there* because this guy is an absolute natural at getting the crowd on side. He's superb; and I have yet to meet anyone who has ever had a bad word to say about him (save the people who complained to Komedia a fortnight ago about his use of the word 'pikey'. I bet they still laughed though.)

Mark Olver
Much of what I wrote about Jon applies to Mark, and Mark is a guy who seems to posess the sort of comic bones that means he could do a poo on stage and still have an audience in fits. I love watching Mark work, and what's best is that his humility and humour never comes across as contrived. I bet you his set will just fly by, time-wise.

Michael McIntyre
Well, if the showcase is going to be judged on the best performance and the most laughs, I'd hazard a guess they'd just post it to Mike right now as this guy is on fire at the moment; he's so slick and quick and probably the most complete comic on the line-up. If the running order wasn't random, he'd be on last, for sure.

Paul Sinha
Paul is another 'bang on form' comic and with the Edinburgh nomination under his belt he'll have a strong angle which means that his set will stick in your mind long after you'll have forgotten everyone elses. Guaranteed funny, definitely, and if I was a betting man, I'd put half my stake on Paul getting the shout from the Montreal people.

Ray Peacock
So looking forward to see my fellow blogger tonight. The best thing about Ray is that you really won't know what he'll do or what will happen; which gives him the 'maverick' angle that could manifest in him having the sort of blinder that people talk about for months afterwards. I won't blow too much smoke up his arse but he knows he can nail this and probably will.

Sarah Kendall
I think if the showcase was on material alone Sarah would probably be head and shoulders above the rest. I constantly marvel at the ingenuity and invention Sarah regularly churns out. One for the comedy purists; and with a fair few of them in the crowd, she'll do pretty well, I reckon.

Shappi Khorsandi
I said earlier on that I'd probably put half my money on Paul. The other half would go on Shappi. I can't really say more about her that hasn't been written already (and my god does this gal have press coming out of her ears!) but having worked with her quite a few times in the last 6 months she's getting that sort of rock-solid reputation that means that if she doesn't get a shed load of laughs, I'm a cactus.

Stephen Grant
Same old shit.

Tommy Campbell
Worked with Tommy only briefly yet I already love his style and presence. He almost reminds me of Rob Deering in how he has the ability to get across to a crowd how sharp he is without labouring any of his material. The best thing about Tommy is that he seems multi adaptable - done both a student gig with him and a roudy Jongleurs room and he rocked it both times, without having to toady up to the room.

Anyway, despite the terrible sense of foreboding a 'competition' brings, I'm trying to be positive. I'm meeting Mark (and Jon I think) for a bit of food before the gig as we're the 'out of towners'. As we're all making the big treks to London to do a free gig for a 10% stab in the dark, we're trying to make a night out of it. I'm probably looking forward to that bit the most.

Here's the line-up, along with their associated Chortle reviews.

Arnab Chanda, Jon Richardson, Mark Olver, Michael McIntyre, Paul Sinha, Ray Peacock, Sarah Kendall, Shappi Khorsandi, Stephen Grant, Tommy Campbell

If you're there, have fun. I'll try to get a DVD copy of my stint and YouTube it in the next few days.

Stephen



* alongside me (cough)