07/12/07
Enjoyable Car Games of Varying Degrees of Safety -
Categories: I have had several journeys to gigs of late, that involve me being by myself in the car for very long distances and periods of time. As I am a man who gets easily bored, the monotony of the ever winding road has led me to become a master of inventing new and exciting ways to keep myself entertained on a long journey.
Disclaimer: Don't try these at home kids. Mainly because they are games for car journeys. It wont really work at home.
Musical games ( to be used when bored perhaps 30 mins into journey):
DIY I-Pod Shuffle -
This is not particularly exciting, but as you'll see, its only 30 minutes into the journey and using my i-pod, and a clever thing that tunes it into the radio, I see if I can out shuffle the i-pod by randomly spinning the dial on the 'songs' selection and guessing what the track will be. Sadly I have never ever won this game. Mainly because its dull and I give up after 3-4 goes, but also because out of 7000 tracks, it could be anything. The game has now evolved into me trying to get tracks that relate by randomness. For example 'like irregular chickens' by Kid Koala, into 'Chicken in a Box' by Mr Scruff, into 'Glory Box' by Portishead. This rarely happens though and instead I tend to just select tracks I did not even know even existed on my i-pod, and which I can only blame on my girlfriend and her poor taste in music.
However, thanks to my computer wiping my i-pod, this game has been substituted for the game below, until I can once again fully update my i-pod which seems to take an eternity.
Create Your Own Radio Stories -
The stereo on my car is a bit sh*tty. Not as sh*tty as my friend Mike's old car stereo however. The number 5 button did not work on it, and when the car had its battery replaced, the stereo reset itself, and the password key to unlock was 4555. Hence, very sh*tty.
My stereo is unable to remember radio stations. This didn't used to bother me as everyday was merely an i-pod journey. But now, with the absence of technology I have begun to understand the joys of radio. Current favourite programmes being Jools Holland's show on a Monday, Funk Factory on a Tuesday and Mark Lamarr and the Weekender both on a Friday. As much shows due to their musical eclecticness and the fact that because of them I will find more exciting tracks to scour the Amazon used and new section, there is a more fun game to play. Well its not that fun, but it involves you switching your tuner to automatic, and hitting the switch so that it flicks automatically to the next station. You do this to create exciting stories or conversations using the sentences you hear. Example (from last night's trip back from Cardiff):
'..so if you want to hear some true old school English soul...' flick
'...try calling her. I'm sure she wants to resolve the situation as much as you...' flick
'...said Hanuman, the wisest, swiftest and strongest of all apes.'
That's special.
Sing like Tom Waits -
Sometimes I decide that I will attempt to sing in a Tom Waits accent to any song that appears on said radio/i-pod. This can be funny when you turn dull pop songs into eccentric and often disturbing jazz pieces. This weeks favourite is the awful and bland Shane Ward song 'Breathless' becoming a heart broken love lament, and at sometimes a bit rapey.
The downside to this game is that if you play it enough on the way to a gig, it can ensure that your throat is sufficiently damaged, therefore hampering your performance ruining the only reason you've been driving for bloody ages in the first place.
Imagination games (to be used when quite bored but not yet bored enough to be dangerous):
Points scoring -
Thanks to much recent playing of the computer game 'Burnout: Revenge', and previous years of playing GTA and the legendary Carmageddon, I imagine that I can clock up points were I to hit or damage other items on the road. You might like to create your own points based system, as mine changes every journey due to forgetfulness. However, you might like to use the following few as indicators of the scoring:
People who walk right in front of your vehicle as you are driving - 7 points. Not many points because these arrogant f*ckers deserve to die and there should be laws that allow you to rev into them.
Swaying cyclists - 25 points. Only the ones who don't look behind and sway from left to right driving through red lights.
Smashing into the side of a shiny 4x4 - 150 points. They are easier to damage then their over protective planet killing owners believe.
Already dead roadkill - 3 points. Points are purely for the satisfying 'squelch' noise. 4 points if its a bear.
Middle lane hoggers - 200 points. Extra points for revving really fast past them, swearing at them, shouting move over and hitting them from the side as you do so.
Domino effect traffic jam rage - upwards of 4000 points.
Confusing other drivers -
I recently discovered thanks to acts putting their satnavs in my car, that my speedometer is 7 miles faster than the speed I am actually going at. This means at the ridiculous 50 miles an hour average speed camera sections of the motorway at 57mph, which is usually faster than the other cars who are believing in their speedometer. To cut to the chase, while on these sections of road, its very fun to drive alongside another vehicle and make imaginative faces at them, whilst either indicating that there is something wrong with their car or perhaps your own brakes. Make over elaborate faces and gestures before zooming off, leaving them baffled. Fun.
Making up swear words -
These can be directed at other drivers, areas, traffic jams or generally anything you feel deserves abuse of some sort. My rules are simply that it must be an old school phrase I haven't used in ages or a brand new word. This week I have resurrected 'div', and 'dicksplat' whilst inventing the term 'shit wizard'.
Dexterity games (only to be used when extremely bored and preferably the road is emptyish) -
Dodge the Cat's Eyes -
A game taught to me by Dave Hadingham and which many a seasoned travelling comic plays. When changing lanes, try and do so so that your tyres don't touch the cats eyes on the road. Tough but extremely satisfying when achieved. Even if it means you have to endlessly switch lanes unnecessarily just to do so, at the frustration of other road users.
The Passenger Side Reach -
You know that thing that fell of the passenger seat when you took a corner earlier. Well you want it now don't you? Even though its on the floor in the corner of the other side of the car. Hmm? Why not get it? Why not? Don't worry that you cant see the road while do. Just try, go on.
Road Chef -
Want to prove that you have magician's hands? Try using only one hand to drive whilst peeling a satsuma, tangerine or other citrus fruit of your choice with the other (oranges only to be used when at a professional level). Also try opening pistachio nuts or tearing that foil bit off the tops of bottles for fun food related malarkey whilst swerving the steering wheel in a dangerous manner.
In conclusion, I have realised that there is a very good and sufficient reason as to why comedians have extremely high insurance rates. Roll on the days of KITT becoming a reality.
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