21/04/08
Scarborough's Not So Fair -
Categories: I've just spent three days in the Northern region of the country at gigs of varying degrees of enjoyment. For the first time ever, my girlfriend, Layla, came along on the road trip with me which was really nice apart from all those moments where she would gasp loudly at my driving because she thought I might crash into the car two lanes away or other ludicrously situations. Apparently if she gets paranoid about my driving its because I've driving dangerously, whereas if I get paranoid about her driving, its because I'm an idiot. Fair's fair I suppose.
Layla joined me on the trip for two reasons, one being that it's her half term (she's teacher training, I'm not perving on a school girl OK?) and the other because we combined the trip with a visit and free stay at her brother's in Huddersfield. This meant rather than going up there for gigs, we had a nice three day break where unfortunately I had to work in between. It was a nice break from Londoness though, with some nice lunches and a triumphant moment where I beat Layla's fourteen year old nephew on the xbox. That makes me a king of games. Or as he would say it 'a noob'. A 'noob' means geek, or general twat as I later found out. Another phrase he used a lot was 'CBA'. This stands for 'can't be arsed'. Amazing how the youth of today have reached a level of laziness where they have to abbreviated the phrase to say that they can't be bothered. That's an incredible lack of effort all round.
In between a gig in Manchester to people who were so lacking in energy they could've been dead and a gig in Stoke-On-Trent that seemed terrible and ended being so nice I did a 40 minute set by accident, I had a gig in Scarborough. Having never been to Scarborough my girlfriend and me had planned that we would head down there earlier in the day and have a look around as many people had said it was lovely. When I say people, I mean my mum, and Simon and Garfunkel who sang a lot about some herbs and things but it all sounded nice.
Now none of them were wrong, but they weren't entirely right either. Parts of Scarborough are filled with brilliant architecture, and there are streets that make you feel as though you have been transported back to the forties/fifties just without the war bit. The beach itself is also extremely clean but the ice cold winds slightly put me off having a dip in the sea for fear of everything retracting and somehow becoming a floating torso. The bit where it goes wrong is the beach front itself.
Masquerading as a front to the picturesque town behind it, the front was filled with the tackiest, cheapest amusement arcades, chip shops and gambling holes you can imagine. Dubious titles such as 'Slots of Fun' and 'Winking Willies Chip Shop' sit alongside sweet stalls that sell marshmallow penises and jellied eels in the shape of arses. OK the last eels bit was a lie, but you get the picture. I couldn't understand why they had to sully this part of the area. Are people really more attracted to the seaside if they can spend all afternoon putting 2p's into a machine in hope of a fake copy soft toy of Scooby Doo? I can't believe they are. Slap bang in the middle of all of this was a very new looking 'Ask' pizza and a trendy coffee shop overlooking the coast as though it was some sort of middle class cry for help. Perhaps its an attempt to make the beach front nice again. Lets hope it doesn't swing the other way and fill the beach with wankers on their Blackberrys sitting in the sand in tight jeans. Thinking about that was when it struck me, that by having a skanky promenade, the locals are keeping the rest of the town safe from overpopulation. They are driving the masses away leaving only Scarborians (is that a word? It must be that mustn't it? It can't be 'Scarbs' can it?) to really be able to enjoy their lovely town. Of course this theory doesn't explain places like Margate which are just horrible throughout. My only theory on that is that someone wanted to drive everyone including the locals away and took their plan a little too far.
Speaking of wankers with Blackberrys, I am now one of them. I upgraded my phone yesterday and due to need for constant paranoid email and facebook checking I got persuaded to sell my soul to the corporate devil. I'd just like to say to my friends, family and social life in general this may be the last we communicate without me spending at least 50% of my attention on a small blue bit of plastic. I'm sorry, and it's been fun.
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