06/05/08
Complete Night-Mayor -
Categories: See what I did there with the title? Do you see? I was proud of that I have to say. Apologies in advance for any non London readers who will either find this dull or hilarious as you mock the idiocy of London voters. Ok ok, I know this is going to be a much over talked about subject for the next four years at least, but how the hell did London as one of the greatest cities in the world let Boris 'massive twat' Johnson in charge of mayoral duties? I honestly didn't think we would let it happen. I knew people were bored of Ken, and I knew there were many things people wanted to change, but Boris? Fucking Boris?
'Oh won't it be funny if we vote for that racist, homophobic rich bigot? hahahahah bloody ha.' What many people failed to see is that that such joke will now make an impact on our city and the way we are viewed by the world for much longer than most punchlines. I understand people's 'serious' reasons too. Congestion charge complaints (although it has made a massive difference in traffic in Central London), policing issues, spending large amounts of money on crap like the Olympics (especially as the British won't win any of the golds) etc etc, but lest we forget that of all the people that may remedy or attempt to remedy such gripes, Boris is the man who backed Thatcher on the poll tax. Anyone remember that? Strictly speaking I don't because of being of a young age at the time which meant that I only really hated Thatcher for taking away my milk at school. However I didn't hate her as much as the kid with a severe calcium deficiency who broke three weeks later while playing 'tag' on the tarmac. Despite this I do know from latter knowledge that poll tax was an invention of true evil, that deserved its welcome demise after crippling many working peoples lives.
Oh well what about bringing the people of London together? Creating public unity on the city's streets which is what we need in such a hostile time? Well I'm sure the Johnson with his homophobic views, public verbal bashing of the poor and well known racist remarks is the man for such unity creation. I could happily quote things that he has said and done, but it his backing of Section 28 is not by any means hidden knowledge, nor is his recent attack on the people of Liverpool or general use of such racist terms as 'picanninies'. Its the equivalent of voting Prince Phillip in, only if he had the stupid blonde hair of a some sort of seventies Swedish porn star. To be fair the thought of that is perhaps even more terrifying than Johnson himself.
Also, on a childish level, Johnson is one of many slang terms for 'dick', a fact that is especially well known to any fans of the Big Lebowski. Admittedly, Paddick also has 'dick' in it and 'Livingstone' sounds like a Golem, mystical and dangerous beast of stone. Those would be suitable London mayors either, but all in all its a rather silly null point. Boris also looks uncannily like Patrick Marber. No point there, just something that bothers me.
What I find fascinating is that nearly everyone I know that voted, did so for Ken to make sure Boris wouldn't win, and yet he did. So where are these many voters who are intent on the decline of London? I really don't know and as much as the whole thing angers and frightens me, I don't care. Its been done now and I suppose the only benefit is that (as I saw on someone's facebook status and will not claim the thought as my own) there will at least now be four years of easy material for comics everywhere.
I'm not a political comedian at all. Not because I don't want to be, but I never feel that I have the knowledge or skill to make such farcical events funny as this blog happily proves. However I managed to write a couple of bits on Boris on Thursday day, the day of the elections. As such since Thursday I haven't gigged in London once and the material is now a tad stale. Its a shame because topical gags work that on the basis of freshness of gag, even if its less well thought out that the rest of your material. There is something so exciting about news gags and yet so sad when they disappear like a really shit and poorly written moment of sharp wit. One of the gags I was most proud of was to do with a train crash that happened near Reading when a man parked his car on the tracks. Not a massive subject for comedy I agree, but there was one caption in a broadsheet that sad 'On impact the train had twisted like some sort of metal baguette'. Now it just so happens that the suicidal chap in the car used to be a chef, and so I merely commented that a 'twisted baguette' was perhaps what he would have wanted. I was damn pleased with that. Two weeks after it happened no one cared about the accident anymore enough for the gag to work. So not fair.
I can only hope Boris screws up so massively both for the benefit of London and for my gags to last that little bit longer. Is that so selfish?
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