19/05/08
Beer Pressure -
Categories: Last night, due to audience pressure, I downed two pints on stage. It wasn't one straight after the other thank god, or I may have chucked up over the front row, but it was still pint downing and that's not something I've done for at least 5 or 6 years. The reason I haven't is because I've learnt through trial and error that the best way to enjoy a pint and life is not to open your gullet as wide as possible and chuck a fizzy alcoholic beverage down it. Age, and the fact that beer is pricey, mean I can sup a lager over a very long time rather successfully. Also, I've only ever been physically sick from alcohol five times in my life and three of those were from downing eight pints in a row back when I was a stupid stupid student who had time on his hands to spend crouched over a lavvy, revisiting my night out in the least pleasurable way.
Since those days I don't drink even half as much. Partly because I drive to loads of gigs and if I do feel like I cheeky beer, the law means I just drink a bottle of a piss weak one with a lime in it so I can feel extra rubbish. They say the lime was originally to keep the flies out of the bottle of beer in hot countries. In the UK this is rendered useless so its just for people that can't handle the taste of a nice drink without some citrus in it to soften the blow. Grrr, I felt seriously manly typing that.
The other part is choice. Gigging regularly on weekends means you get a sober view of what drinking does to people. What it doesn't do is make them clever or at all wondrous as examples of the human race. And I'm not getting preachy here. I have been, many a time, a culprit of such behaviour, having woken up at least two times with toothpaste and salad dressing all over my face and hair, and twice managed to urinate on my own carpet. I'm not proud of any of these. Although one of the weeing times, I did say 'I'm awaiting confirmation' before I let loose, and that's definitely a phrase of genius.
So Saturdays occurrence was an odd one. A rowdy Saturday night club in the heart of London. Most of the audience were lovely, except for a bunch of pissed up football players at the back of the room. I say players, but it was hardly like they were professional. At anything. They said they were there celebrating a football presentation, which as far as I'm concerned sounds like something you have at school. Anyway, they were lively but harmless and I had a lot of fun in the first section and the first act went down a storm as he always does. Then the problem arose in the second section. I decided to do my material about not drinking because I'm diabetic. A lie, but a nice lead in to my gag. Within seconds however, one of the alco-fools had run up on a stage with a pint in his hand for me. I thought it was a nice gesture until I put two and two together and twigged it was his intention to screw me up by making me drink it. So I did the honorable thing and put the pint down and continued with my oh so witty banter.
Then the crowd started chanting those evil words...DOWN IT, DOWN IT, DOWN IT. So I caved in. I picked it up, downed it in one, held back my gag reflex and said to them all politely 'f*ck you all, I did it hahahaha'. This then received much applause and laughter, the football lads went quiet and the room became more brilliant than it was. Yey and woo.
Had I won or merely caved in by dong what the audience had wanted? I had thought won, because I had beaten them at their game. Until the third section when they made me do it again on the promise they would behave for the last act. So I did, and they didn't, and the last act had a bit of a nightmare. Suddenly my crowd control went to pot and I finished the night never really knowing if I'd won their respect or just been their organ monkey.
Either way I got two free pints so I guess its not all bad.
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