19/06/08
That's Just Swell -
Categories: Thanks to my own sheer stupidity I am crippled in a minor way this week, writing this blog from the sofa with one very swollen left foot up on the coffee table much to everyone in Starbucks' disgust. I'm not really in Starbucks, but I wish I was as that joke would be significantly funnier if true. Instead sadly I am just at home alone and two cats are looking at me like I am worthless.
They have a wonderful way of staying very still and staring right at you as though you are smaller than many of the things they kill. Earlier today I shooed a big ginger cat out of the house because he was harassing our two little kittens. This seems to happen on a regular basis and I have begun to think that he just has no idea how to flirt. He reminds me of a kid at school who thought that by playfully hitting women that they would like them. Instead they thought he was a wife beater and kept away. And now this large furry ginger beast is feared by little Rosie and Bella. So I hissed at him, using cat styles to make him leave, and he looked at me like I was a massive loser, scratched the aforementioned swollen foot, which was already swollen at the time and made me swear, and he pootled out of the flat in his own time. Then my two cats who should have seen me as a hero of catdom, just gave me the condescending expression that the world gives first round X-Factor weirdos. Yes, I have been beaten by cats today. Times are low.
The foot in question is swollen because I dropped a two year old diabetic syringe into it. Why I was carrying a two year old syringe I'm not sure, I had just randomly decided through trying to avoid doing anything else, that it was probably time to throw them away. On the journey to the bin, one fell and landed vertically onto my barefoot. At the time, I thought, how nuts, but how cool am I as I didn't flinch and pulled the offending item out feeling like the Unbreakable King. Two days, a tetanus jab and six doses of the biggest anti-biotic I've ever seen I am not a happy man.
Sitting on a sofa leaves you with little to do but write and this morning more sketches towards our ever nearing show are looming. There are also a couple of new gags for my stand-up set which is nice. Also my left foot is now so big I can finally wear a single clown shoe properly, and the final plus point is that I can drink with these anti-biotics, and I'm off to a friend of my girlfriend's wedding this weekend, with lots of people I don't know. What a perfect excuse to sit down and drink till Sunday. Finally I get to be the odd limping drunkard in the corner that exists at every wedding. That's right kids, dreams can come true. I ought to carry more dangerously infected metal items around more often. Anyone have a rusty ice pick I can juggle with?
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